two miraculous years

J is two you guys.

The baby I worried would never be 'normal' is beyond thriving.
He is so spectacular.

I mean. His nose is a tiny bit different. His spine is definitely different. But he is a wonderful creation and so sweet, smart, silly, and boyish.

He is 25%; about 12kg; about 85 cm

In the past year, J....
learned to walk
learned to not throw his food or plate
learned to USE THE POTTY 100% (by 20 months!)
learned to say mama!!!!
started running
started jumping
goes down stairs alone, but does still like to be carried sometimes
stopped nursing (did I write about this? I got him down to 1 bed time feeding over the course of a month and a half and then after about 2 weeks he decided he was done! It was so weird because I was going to hang onto that last one for a while...)
stopped taking his iron supplement and started taking gummy vitamins
fell in love with chocolate and sugar and butter and all things comfort food
developed an affinity for sockets, plug ins, and switches

Walked down the aisle carrying a treasure chest :)
loves trying to be big, sometimes too much so (grabbing for knives or scissors!)
became an expert appliance helper (pushing buttons, flipping knobs, etc)
went on a boat for the first time, and helped "drive" it
started facing forward in his car seat
got a back pack and walked into MOPS on his own!
fell in love with playing baby dolls! (he's very nurturing)
made friends
learned to give real kisses, with the smacky noise too!
learned to say bye bye
spent several nights away from me, after having only 1 in his first year of life
started sleeping in a big boy bed, and has still not yet fully mastered it (unfortunately)
learned to throw a ball and sometimes catch
not cry when he's dropped off somewhere familiar or if I leave home
is still not that well behaved in church, but it's progressing
learned to color and can do a circle
knows J is for him, D is for dad, M is for mom, G is for his sister, P is for papaw, and sometimes he can pick out a few others
can say he is "two!"
has all his teeth except the back 4 molars
has had many hair cuts

says these words (though most are not full words, nor understood by anyone who doesn't know him)
Dadda, mama, na-na (G's name), assahn (attempt at his name--heard once! but he really never tries to say it), dog, ball, book, read, grapes, cheese, please, potty, no, yes, bright, dark, lights, fan, bath, towel, pants, shirt, undies, grammy, papaw, grandma, grandpa, versions of my sister and brother-in-laws names, fork, spoon, drink, milk, juice, orange, banana, ketchup, pickle, meat, chocolate, chip, truck, tractor, boat, up, down, me, more, show, Caillou, Daniel, Peg + Cat, Elmo, bubbles

So it seems like he is doing great for talking, but really those are words that I know he "tries" to say....but they really sound very similar, and you have to know within what context he is trying to say them. And the diversity in sounds has really just come on in the last two weeks. Speech therapy has picked up in intensity and has made a difference I think. His go to sounds are duh and uhh-uhh.

In many ways he's really independent, but in other ways he's still clingy and a mama's boy. I think he's a really good balance, and I also think he's super intelligent. I anticipate this year will be even better, though I doubt he can top the amount of huge milestones from this past one (I guess talking in sentences will be pretty huge though!). His speech teacher and other who interact with him on a learning level say he's pretty advanced in most areas, it's just he speech that has to catch up. We are SO SO proud of him. And so lucky. I am in awe of all the CDPX1 moms I know who have a much harder life and a much tougher outlook for their kiddos. God bless them all for the amazing women they are.

Every year around this time, I will forever reflect on how bad things could have gone, and how miraculously amazing they have turned out.... even if my body is still screwed up. I think that is just the maternal duty..... we literally give our bodies for our children, even if we better ourselves physically....we just can never go back to living only for ourselves.

Being a mother is amazing and terrible, scary and wonderful. You all know what I am talking about. I'd do anything for this kid, on a large scale; but at the same time, I turn on the tube just for a moment of peace some days! It is all about finding the balance I think.....and I'm so much more comfortable in that with J than I was with G. I like to think that G really benefited the best from us having J. I mean, sure she doesn't get us all to herself, but that's not really healthy. She gets a built in play mate, a built in support when her parents drive her nuts, and it made me a better mom to her. Things don't get me as riled up, I'm less up tight about schedules, and less anal.

 I feel truly blessed to have the kids that I do, and will never ever take them for granted. I know in a flash they will be 25 and out of the house and I'll miss them. So even when they make me so frustrated all I can do is scream....the moment is fleeting.

My abnormal hip.

The bad news is, I can never run again. So I mean.... I'm devastated, because I love running. But I'm thankful because I can still walk. I can still ride bikes, and I can still exercise within a moderate level. I'm by no means handicapped. Running is just too high impact for my hip.

diagnosed as congenital hip deformity. the ball-and-socket joint doesn't go out far enough to support my normal sized femur

Because, dun..dun...dun... my hip is not normal. It apparently didn't fully form when I was a baby/child and thus my joint doesn't have enough support and cartilage for cushioning high impact. I will likely end up with a hip replacement, and running would hasten that. So I guess I should say.... I can still run, but only if I want a new fake hip in my 30s.
I'll go with finding a new workout. I just hate it because running was my jam. It's so amazing for my mood and it's so easy! Just lace up your shoes and go.... now I have to put more thought into it. Ugh. Just UGH. I was also totally looking forward to running with my kids some day. My pity party could go on. But let's not.
As for where to go from here....supposedly more physical therapy to strengthen my hip, and massage techniques to easy some pain I'm having.
In other good news, my abs are almost closed (2 years later! and 6 months after starting PT). This has been a frigging journey and I'm so over. They are about 1 finger width apart, which is much better than the 3 they were in June.
Praise God I've never taken my body for granted and have lived the running life I've wanted over the past 12 years. I guess I'll be one of those one and done marathoners. At least I'm happy with my time too. No regrets about anything.

I'm in the mood for more positive vibes, so I'm going to go write J's 2 year post!

Recent life

Excuse me. I was doing awesome at blogging frequently and then went out of town and got out of the habit.

So I'm here to update you.

Thanksgiving was great! It was lovely to see family, have the kids see family, eat a mindful but still indulgent meal, and go on a weekend get away with the love of my life.

helping grammy make dressing

Our anniversary was wonderful, and I can't believe it's been 6 years (but on the other hand, how has it only been 6?).

We decorated for Christmas!

St Nicholas came!

The kids saw santa.

We made gingerbread houses as a family!

My birthday was nice. Hubby made me a pumpkin ice cream roll/cake, it was super delish!

Nothing too fancy, but the following weekend we partied it up at my husband company's district meeting and Christmas party. It's always like an extension of my birthday because it's around that time every year. They treat the wives nice for a day and I got a catered lunch and a painting party (the kind with food and drinks). Then he was recognized for 5 years with the company, we had dinner and (way too many) drinks. I did not feel good the next morning. I will just be honest. I rarely imbibe and there were many contributing factors to this particular evening. Anyways, just being honest. Life has dealt us a pile of poop lately, it seems, but everyone in this family is trying to be happy and positive for the amazing things we do have!

realizing now how unflattering the dress was. meh. $13 at kohls FTW

My wonderful mother in law came into town to watch the kids....they of course got sick while she was here! G threw up and spiked a fever, and by the end of the weekend J was not doing good either. They are both still under the weather...and this non-medicinally inclined family is giving J every 6 hour doses of fever relief because even with it he's hovering around 103. Sucks. Bad. Say a prayer for the birthday boy. thanks!

smiling & making cookies we were supposed to take to a kid's Christmas party before it all went south (viruses come on fast!)

Before J completely tanked, grandma took him on the santa train! G was supposed to go but was too ill to make the journey.

While she was here I also utilized a morning to go to the orthopedic doctor because of my on going ab and hip issues.

So onto that story. See next blog.

Clean Eating Chocolate Cookie Cake recipe

I have another chocolate chip cookie recipe on here, but I've been wanting to make some revisions to it....and I have confirmation class tonight so it was the perfect time to create a new clean eating recipe. I always bring my girls a treat (Sometimes it's pop corn, sometimes it's mandarin oranges, and some times it's a homemade treat!) and I've been talking about chocolate chip cookies for a while.

leaf and acorn shapes for Fall

My favorite kind of chocolate chip cookies are cut out of cookie cakes because they are all middle pieces! Here, I've cleaned up a cookie cake recipe for you but it could easily just be cookies if you plop them down by the tablespoon instead of patting out into a rectangle

Clean Eating Chocolate Chip Cookie Cake

1 stick of butter, softened
1/4 c ground flax (best to grind fresh, I use a coffee grinder)
1/4 c molasses
1/3 c agave nectar
a little under 1/2 c honey
1 egg plus 1 egg yolk
splash of vanilla
2.5 cups of white whole wheat flour (I started with 2 cups and then added more in as needed to stiffen dough a bit)
1/2 c oat flour (grind rolled oats using coffee grinder or processor, or buy already ground at store)
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
about half a bag of dark chocolate chips (I used 60% from Ghirardelli)

Using stand mixer with paddle attachment, beat butter and flax until really smooth. Add sweeteners and mix super well. Like creamy smooth! Add egg, egg yolk and vanilla. Beat again until combined. Mix the dry ingredients together and then dump carefully into the wet mixture. Mix on low speed until incorporated. I turned it on high for a few seconds to really get it mixed well. Stir in chocolate chips.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Using a baking sheet lined with parchment paper or a silicone mat, pat out the cookie dough into a rectangle or desired shape, keeping it about 3/8" thick throughout the whole shape. Bake for about 20 minutes until center is done. Cut with cookie cutters if desired, after cooled.

Clean Eating Pumpkin Dairy-Free Ice Cream Squares - Paleo recipe

A few months ago I made an awesome paleo chocolate chip cheesecake recipe and thus entered into my fascination with soaked cashews. Have you ever used soaked cashews? If not, you are missing out!

They basically can become a dairy base for a variety of desserts or cheese like dips...and it's clean and paleo!

Recently I wanted to make a pumpkin cheesecake using the soaked cashew method, but was pressed for time so it resulted in an ice-cream like dessert that I cut into squares. I personally would (and did) eat the 'batter' without waiting for it to freeze, but if you want the ice cream like feel, leave it in the freezer for a while.

Pumpkin "Ice Cream" Bars

.5 lb cashews, soaked for 8 hours, drained
1/2 - 3/4 c honey, depending on preferred sweetness
1/2 coconut oil, or grassfed butter if you are okay with that (which I totally am)
a few shakes of salt
a drizzle of vanilla
3/4 c pumpkin puree (from roasted pie pumpkin preferred)
1/4 - 1/3 c water to reach consistency

Place cashews in food processor and process until smooth, add remaining ingredients and process until combined well, using the water to help the batter reach a soft serve consistency. Spread into a 9x13 pan lined with parchment paper, or a 9x9 dish for thicker bars. Place into freezer for several hours until frozen--Enjoy!

So far I have eaten them which some dark chocolate, gluten free chocolate cookies (Happy Family Best Friends), and all alone. My husband thinks peanut butter would go awesome with them and I think caramel would. Options are endless :-)

What is Grace? From a 3 year old perspective

My sweet husband taught G to say the "Hail Mary" prayer a few weeks ago and she's been perfecting it every night since. This past week she has been following up the prayer with a question about some word within the prayer. A few nights ago she asked me what sinner means, last night she asked me what holy means, and then tonight she asked me, "what is grace?"

Stop. My. Heart. or SMH for those abbreviation loving readers. She is so thoughtful, smart, and inquisitive.

My answers have been age appropriate but also as close to literal meaning as possible. I've told her that everyone is a sinner. That we all do bad things sometimes, and that if we aren't being good, that's sin. She's used it in hilarious context since. I told her that holy is the opposite of sinner. That people in Heaven are holy, and that if you are really good and be nice to other people then that is holy.
But tonight when she asked me about grace, it was so hard. How would you describe grace to a 3.5 year old??

The definition is "simple elegance or refinement of movement" or "the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings" or "to do honor or credit to by one's presence"

There's really no way to break that down on a kid level easily. So I gave it my best shot. And stuck to the Christian definition.

I said that grace is when God helps people be holy, or good. It is when people are full of good feelings and thoughts and they do good things for other people. She seemed happy with that but then followed up with, "where does grace come from?" So I said it comes from God and it's inside people. So then she asked how it gets there. {I wanted to tell her that we get it at Communion and at church, but I didn't want her to worry that since can't have grace since she doesn't get communion yet--so I left Communion out of it.} I just said we get it at church, when we go to church and sing songs and say prayers. Then God puts grace in our bellies. I said that it goes in our bellies like magic from God and then it goes up into our brains and helps us do good things for others. So then she asked how God does magic.... (I mean.... I don't know okay! LOL) I said that God can do anything and he is so awesome that everything comes from God and he can really do all kinds of cool things, even cooler magic than Abbie Cadabbie (from Sesame Street....).

She wasn't convinced. She asked several more times how God gets grace in our bellies. And I tried a few different word combinations to explain it. Then she absolutely floored me and said the following.
G: "I think that maybe God puts grace in our bellies when we go to communion and the big people up there give us stuff and we get grace from God in our bellies like that."


I KID YOU NOT. This amazing three year old just gave you the most basic description of the beauty of Jesus/God in the Eucharist. All by herself.

I love her. I love how beautiful her mind and heart are. Thank you Jesus for giving me this most amazing gift. God is so amazing and I just know he has been leading her little heart through this prayer and learning what all of the words mean in it.


And the coolest thing is that she started asking those questions all on her own because she wants to understand the words she has been taught. I know Mary is up in Heaven totally smiling and clearing a place for this sweet girl in heaven. She will move mountains some day. But for today.....she's a totally typical 3.5 year old that had a meltdown because she didn't want to leave her best friends house.

Clean Eating; Cauliflower Sweet Potato Butternut Squash Soup recipe

Earlier this year I got an immersion blender. It was actually free thanks to the-now-defunct-EcoBonus program. I collected points from buying things like Annie's Homegrown (now sold to General Mills), King Arthur Flour, and Seventh Generation. I redeemed them for a green kitchen aid stick blender. I mostly wanted it for a carrot soup recipe I haven't even made yet. It gets used a few times a month, so given the free cost....totally worth it!

I have most recently used it to make my latest soup recipe. I have created so many recipes over the past few months of non-blogging, but I've been to distracted by life to actually type them out. Lucky for you, I'm trying this re-branded blog and thus....here is my perfect fall soup recipe! And you guys....The name says it all.

Cauliflower Sweet Potato Butternut Squash Soup

1/2 onion, chopped

2-4 garlic cloves, depending on your love for garlic

1 medium butternut squash

1 large sweet potato or yam

1 good size head of cauliflower (a bag of frozen florets will work too)

 (organic is preferred for all above, not just because of chemicals and GMOs, but the taste is just better, but do what you can)

4 cups of clean chicken broth or stock (I make mine from crock pot roasted chickens, but if you must buy it, get a clean boxed kind)

2 cups of grassfed cream (you can also use full fat coconut milk for paleo approved but I think grassfed cream is close enough paleo)

2 cups of water (more or less to reach desired consistency)

salt and pepper to taste

a bit of cayenne if you want (I used several sprinkles and my kids didn't think anything of it)

First, wash and roast the sweet potato and butternut squash. I do this by cutting the potato in half and the squash in quarters lengthwise (scoop out seeds). I rub them with a little bit of olive oil and put them face down on a foil lined pan. Bake at 400 degrees for about 40 minutes or until fork tender. When they are done, start the broth boiling and add the onion, garlic, and cauliflower. While that boils, remove the skin from potato and squash. Once the cauliflower is nearing fork tender, add the squash and potato. Puree with immersion blender. (You can let it cool and use a stand blender if there's no immersion blender, but it's really not ideal since it's hot and probably too much for most blenders) Add cream and puree again to incorporate. Season to taste. Add water to loosen because at this point it's probably pretty thick. I added about 2.5 cups to make mine as soupy as we like it (and it was on the perfect side of rich and creamy).

I served mine with a bit of shredded parm on top and a grilled ham and cheese on the side.

Baby Shower - Flurry Theme

My sweet momma friend is expecting her second girl and I offered to throw her a baby shower. Most people call a second shower a 'sprinkle' but since she is due in the winter, and I am always trying to personalize things... I called it a flurry! I used helpful pinterest pins to piece together her cream and purple snow themed shower.

For the games we created a name for the baby and taped it to a straw to identify our cup. My friend then got to give the names superlatives like 'most likely' or 'most creative.' It's a fun way to know whose cup is whose :-)
We also played a word game, trying to make words out of the mom and dad and last names. The winner got a 'first snow day' candle.

We had lemon berry sparklers to drink as a mocktail using limonata, a bit of la croix cran-berry sparkling water, organic blueberry cranberry juice.

We had a salad bar with mixed greens, sugared pecans, dried cranberries, carrots, cucumbers, raspberries, pears, bell peppers, Gorgonzola cheese, Parmesan cheese, hard boiled eggs, and the dressing was Ina Garten's vinaigrette.

I also made the ham and cheese Hawaiian slider bake (I used provolone).
My friend brought a fruit salad :-)

I made double chocolate cupcakes with butter cream frosting. The cake and filling is here and the frosting I used is here.

For the guest book, guests wrote a little message on a strip of card stock and curled it up to fit into a clear ornament that I personalized with a paint marker.

For the centerpiece I used a super cute sequined hydrangea in a tall unique vase with a snowy tree trunk candle.

Favors were crochet ornaments. Also seen above is a book I got for her new baby! Sense and Sensibility (classics for babies).

Simple decor was a burlap wreath I made for my friend and tissue paper pinwheels with snowflake centers. I also displayed part of her gifts on purple rick rack and utilized a 'let it snow' sign I had.

Outer space with kids

My kids, mostly the 3.5 year old, have been super interested in planets, moon, stars, etc for a while now and recently we checked out a pretty awesome, though dated, book from the library.

It really helped her learn the planets better and we even did one of the projects out of it teach just how far apart things are on a visible scale.

It is -- http://www.amazon.com/Planets-System-Lets-Read-Find-Out-Science/dp/006445178X

The planets in our solar system by Branley

There are tons of kid solar system books out there and I just encourage you to start young with kids and science! Never too early to teach the scientific thought process and help them learn more about the world around them.

The first photo is of G's project (saturns rings are drawn on it rather than around, fyi) and the second is the awesome moon from our leaf walk yesterday around 5 pm

new name

maybe you noticed that I let lettersfrommomma.com expire?
Sad day, right?

Meh... I was never posting anyways! I guess it makes things harder to find now though, whoops.

I'm wanting to shift things over to more baking and parties and eating clean and life stuff anyways.

So I'm thinking Clean Kaylene :-)

I'll keep you posted.


maybe!

Two years!

It's been two years since we moved to Kansas.... I can't really say that time flies, because we've done so much in those two years that it seems like we've been here forever.
The time we spent in California seems so long ago, an entire kid ago, if you will!

Since we've been in this house we've upgraded it in small ways; mostly the exterior color (hooray for gray!) and some inside fixing-up and paint. It feels enough like a home, but it's not our forever home. So we've got that itching to move lately. We really want a bit of land with a kind of homestead...but it's out of our financial reach in the area we live, so we have talked about moving and can't reach anything conclusive. Don't worry, I'll keep you posted.

It's so strange to have been here this long. We haven't lived anywhere this long in the 6 years we've been married. No wonder my husband says he feels 'claustrophobic.' I wouldn't describe my feeling like that, but it's something for sure. I want to live in this area forever, but not knowing if we will or not causes me some stress.

I love the friends I've made here, and the family that isn't too far away, and my BFF that's less than 45 minutes away....and the kids are settled in with our favorite places and people and routines.

So I guess what I'm getting at is that we are at a tipping point. I told my husband the other day, we either agree to stay in this area for the foreseeable future, or we start planning to move and actually do it. Because I don't want to get any deeper than I already am, or it will hurt too bad when we leave. And I think we agreed that no area is better than the metro, so we'll just have to move outside the expensive land area if we want to get our 'homestead.' Good thing I'm planning to homeschool for a while because those school districts that we can afford aren't really great.




and while I have you, just a quick family update.

no races in our future, which is taking a toll on the waist lines LOL (but not too bad, thanks to still mostly clean eating)
I've been making all kinds of fun recipes, and I really should be better at blogging them... speaking of, I've been thinking of buying a new domain and letting this one revert...something to the affect of life with momma, or something like that... I thought maybe in the kitchen with momma, IDK
J is fully potty trained and it's awesome. He is such a big boy now, except for his lack of talking. We're working on that with speech therapy though. He is amazing at pretend play, and the therapist said she often forgets he's not 2.5 because of how advanced in all other areas he is. I think he's an albert eistein type for sure.
G is a real blessing (except for when her head is spinning around, KWIM?). She's so sweet, loving, and compassionate. She loves red still, and daniel tiger. She also is currently fascinated with learning the planets.(I think last time I really wrote, she was into the moon) Science FTW!
They both love helping me do just about anything, and doing projects keeps us busy.
Being outside was so awesome this fall and winter...hence why I didn't really blog! We were living the life man!
Fishing and park picnicking were our favorite past times--plus visiting family and taking our two trips.
And.... I'm still in physical therapy for my diastsis recti, and it's super sucky. Basically I need to have surgery but that sounds about like the worst thing ever to me.

Happy Fall Y'all!

Chocolate zucchini cake, eat clean

Yes. I am a fan of all things containing chocolate and zucchini. Here's another clean eating recipe containing them both!

My in laws were in town last night and we were having an awesome clean grilled dinner, and I had a zucchini that was getting pretty old. I figured it wouldn't be that good grilled, so I decided to whip up a dessert with it. Enter this thrown together from several online ideas...

Triple Chocolate zucchini cake

Clean eating

1/2 cup softened butter, grassfed preferred

1/2 - 1 cup honey or agave (vary it depending on your sweetness preference, and I used a combination of the two), local preferred for honey

3 eggs

1/4 cup unsweetened applesauce, organic preferred

Dash vanilla if you want

2 cups whole wheat flour (I used half white whole wheat and red whole wheat)

1/2 tsp baking powder, aluminum free

1/2 tsp baking soda

Several dashes of salt

1/4 cup Dutch Cocoa

1/4 cup cocoa powder

A few dashes of ginger

1 medium zucchini, grated

1/3 - 1/2 cup milk depending on how dry the batter looks, grassfed preferred or almond/coconut milk

10 oz dark chocolate chips or enjoy life chips

Combine butter and honey with mixer. Add applesauce, vanilla and eggs; mix well. In another bowl preferably, mix dry ingredients together then add to wet and combine. Add zucchini and whip with mixer, this helps the batter be more wet from the moisture being pressed out of zucchini from fast mixing (my kitchen aid is a champ!) and cake batter like. Add the milk to get adequate moisture. I used 1/3 cup, but you'll just have to see what yours is like because the zucchini you have may be more or less moist than mine was. You want the batter to resemble a mix between regular and Greek yogurt-like consistency. Kind of firm but kind of runny. Definitely not soupy and definitely not bread battery.

Bake in preheated 350 oven about 20-25 minutes until set. At that point put the chocolate chips on top and put back into turned off oven for a few minutes until they melt. Remove and carefully spread chocolate evenly. It's nice to serve about 10 minutes later because then it's kind of like a lava cake but you can let the chocolate harden and serve it later on. Refrigerate leftovers. Can also mix in chocolate chips into to batter for an over the top treat!

Clean eating BBQ sauce

• Cook 12 oz clean bacon (nitrate free) and save 3 pieces (you can eat the rest!) and remove about 2 spoonfuls of the grease (leave the rest)
• 1 - 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 1/4 onion, minced
• 1 6 - 7 oz jar (or can) of tomato paste 
• 2 Tbsp apple cider vinegar
• 2 Tbsp molasses
• 1 Tbsp honey
• 3 Tbsp Worcestershire sauce (the cleaner the better)
• .66 cup water 
• .75 Tsp salt Salt
• .75 Tsp pepper

Instructions

After the bacon has been cooked and you've removed the two spoonfuls of grease, use the remaining grease to sautee the garlic and onion. 

Then add remaining ingredients and simmer for 30 minutes.

Turn the heat off and carefully use an immersion blender to make it smooth. If you don't have an immersion blender. Let the mixture cool and use a regular blender to combine into smooth sauce.

Keeps up to 2 weeks in the fridge. feel free to add some heat via hot sauce or peppers!

potty win bed fail

So it took about a week, but J to use the potty!! I don't know how, because it seemed like we were in for a long training period (As with G), but I think we started young enough there wasn't a battle for control. That first week was stressful for sure...but 8/17 he woke up and just had it under control!! I'm so glad. Nap and nights are a different story. And he may get those if we pushed it, but since he doesn't wake up dry in the morning and rarely does at nap time, I figure we'd be in for many nights of changing sheets and after doing it for forever with G, I just want to wait on it for a while. My husband agrees.

Then there is the climbing out of bed incident that just happened. UGH! I didn't think we were there yet.
One major reason for not wanting to sleep-time train him was we wanted to keep him in a crib longer since we know he won't stay in his bed like G did. He's way to adventurous. So we thought we'd bide our time for a while, then rip the band-aid off and do both undies-while-sleeping and staying-in-your-bed training at once.

Guess it's not gonna happen because he popped his little cute head into my room today during nap time!! I instantly felt my heart drop....like, "are you kidding me!?" He looked shocked about it too, so I didn't scold him or anything, just told him to stay in his bed and go to sleep.
I should have just went with my gut and started it this past weekend, as he had started throwing huge fits about wearing a diaper to bed. I just really didn't want to lose sleep. Mom fail.

I'll keep you posted.

In other news his vocalizing is really improving, I'd give him another two weeks before true words come and I'm SO excited for it.

In more other news, we're busy as ever with work, playing, cooking, housekeeping, and attempts at being social...so forgive the lack of creative writing of this post!

Stuff on my mind.....potty, food, and Babies.

Hi, me again!
I'm so stressed on from potty training already and it's only day three. I don't regret starting, I just wish I was stronger. I did pretty well keeping my cool the first two days, but today (With my hubby back at work, and he is clearly my rock) I just lost it. I screamed so loud at J, I just feel terrible. UGh. Pick up the pieces and move forward....
He has to figure it out for himself and I have to be there to guide him...but when he pees two feet from the potty and then runs through it, slips and falls on the wood floor I feel sooooooooo angry... Not with my 20 month old kid....just with the fact of the matter.
As in.... why can't I do this for him? Please nature, just let me take the lead on this one.
If not that, Why can't he learn instantly? If he knows how to hold it, why can't he figure out how to let it go when he's on the potty and not next to it. Why did we have to do the most ridiculous things until nearly 11 pm last night just to get the kid to poop......he was holding it and I just wish I could explain to him how to relax and let it go..... UGH. control. he needs it, I wish I had it, it just sucks.
I have prayed so hard for patience and understanding. I have prayed for God to please just give me a break on this one...but I'm pretty sure God laughs and says, "listen lady, I've given you a break on nearly every other aspect of your life, you have it SO GOOD, this is your cross, bare it with grace."
OK! Thanks God. Easier said than done and you know it! There is a reason for everything. And I am a sinner. I was doing good, but now I'm human and I screamed at my baby. I feel horrible. Sometimes, though, a momma lion roars at her cubs, and ya know what? It's necessary.... but I guess they pee and poop where ever they damn well please. Thanks for nothing domestication.
For all of you out there saying, "oh just wait....he's not ready" .... go back and ready my potty training stuff with G. Same story. My kids are so similar. Thus, we carry on. I made the mistake of trying "kind of" with G and then it took 3 months for her to figure it out when we finally did go through with official potty training, so I'm not making that rookie mistake here. We set a date, knew he was ready enough, and are going through with it, my frustration and patience be damned. And if it takes 3 months anyway, well then I'll have a potty trained 23 month old and be diaper free for the first time in almost 4 years.... I'll take it. This is my blog and I'm ranting about it for a second, sorry.

Onto other things. I wanted to share a few links about food I found interesting. These are things we already do in our house, but maybe you don't know them so check them out. Eat clean is the bomb.
soy is bad for you. 
don't give your kid soy formula for the love of all things holy.
politically correct food myths
 nutrition food myths
I like this cat, I need to do more of these.

thanks to my husband's aunt who posted this article that led me to the website that the stuff above comes from.

And for my final thought, I have been in baby fever mode for a few months now. And I know two moms with kids with CDPX1 are expecting babies! And both of them are having healthy girls. How blessed and wonderful for them!! On one hand, it kind of makes me not want to press my luck since our girl came first, but then it also kind of makes me want to believe a healthy next kid would happen!

My husband and I are just a big ball of nerves and uncertainty when it comes to 'do we or don't we?' because what happens if we get a blood test done and it comes back positive for CDPX1 (or anything thing else for that matter because Lord knows there's a million things that could go 'wrong' when a baby is created).........we'd feel so terrible for choosing to conceive knowing the bad that could come from it.
But then it makes it seem like we are playing God by being too scared of the potentially bad outcome rather than trusting God to make good of whatever happens.
Ugh. It sucks sometimes, being an intelligent being with life experience.
I mean, look at the animals in nature....just reproducing without a fear in the world because it's all they know.... and if it goes wrong.....well.....that's the circle of life.
And look at the newly married couples so excited to have a baby or promiscuous teens having unplanned babies or the older couples trying desperately to conceive using whatever means necessary...........they just want the baby but haven't been slapped with reality (And I pray they never are) that SO many things have to go "just right" for that baby to turn out "normal."
So many pregnancies end in miscarriage because the cells just didn't match up. The body just couldn't do it. Something went wrong. 
So many kids are, through no fault of anyone, born different from what society tells us is 'typical.' And then there are the young kids diagnosed with cancer or diabetes or a disease no one has heard of.... and no one saw it coming.
Taking on the role of parent is one I really think too many people take lightly because they don't WANT to think about it. It's easier to think of all the happy things, because the bad things may never happen...and I definitely think that's the better thing to do. Don't plan for bad until bad happens, generally speaking, because life is too short.
But then there's little ole me. With a crappy X chromosome. So I DO have to think about it. Because that's the responsible thing to do.
How do I grapple with this? I'm sure most people would say.... you have a boy and a girl, be happy, call it quits, move on with your life. And I think that's good advice, but man I feel a huge tug in my heart for another baby. So then adopt you say.... Are you going to give me the thousands of dollars it takes? Are you going to help me get my milk back? Plus, that's kind of like taking an even bigger risk, because God love them, many kids needing adopting often have a condition that may cost a lot of money to treat or may be life long. Does that mean they are any less deserving of love? Certainly not, I'm simply stating it's a decision to be weighed as heavily as the should we conceive our own kid or not.
I guess I also hate being pregnant too, and I hate what it did to my stomach (And am still dealing with all of that mess) so if I AM going to go through it again, I'd rather just not fix it now because it'd happen again... And since I am in physical therapy now trying to fix it, I am trying to decide if I should quit PT and plan to have another baby in the future (not right now or anything, next year or the year after) or if we are just done-done, and get on with the story.... because how long does adoption take anyway? Or maybe we are just full at a family of 4.... I just don't always feel that way.
....but man potty training is a good natural birth control (speaking of, NFP is going much better this time around, thank you very much. Props to my handy Kindara app).
love to you all.

I'm happy with me

So I have to tell you, the inspiration from this blog comes from many ideas that have been floating around my head.

I'm quite busy now, and this blog gets pushed to the back burner because most other things in my life take precedent. I am not trying to offend any uber blogger, I just can't take the time to sit down and type up grammatically perfected and creatively crafted blogs. But I currently have something on my mind I need to record outside of a facebook status.

If you've read this blog for a while or thoroughly then you know about my past with eating disorder, disordered eating, excessive exercise, unhappiness with body image, struggle to overcome all that, and then also the tough emotions that came with learning to be "just" a stay at home mom.

Thankfully, I kept plugging away at all the anxieties and insecurities. I suppose it's probably something most new moms go through--the uncertainty of finding your way as a new mom. And it's definitely common for many of those moms to take to the blogosphere to find support and information. I was totally one of those moms. In the moment, I thought I was confident and comfortable, but definitely looking back I was not nearly the mom or woman that I am now. Which is a mature thing to be able to say... No one could have done anything about my anxieties or issues, it's something I think nearly every woman has to work through on her own and at her own pace... so if what I write here can help one person tweak her thinking a tiny bit, then it's worth it. Someone at sometime said something that pushed me down the right path.

Ok enough sentimental jibberish.

Recently online there was an article about how J. Crew released XXXS sizing for women, and most commenters were disgusted by it. They "discussed" what it means for the body image of girls growing up knowing such a thing exists as "extra extra extra small." Some people commented, though, that there are medical conditions that exist affecting people who need such small adult clothing and that people shouldn't call them anorexic or 'disgusting' because that's unfair. I can see both sides; but I think the population of women who legitimately are that small, without having an eating disorder, is a tiny percent of Americans. The percent of girls who will hear of a size XXXS and try to achieve that size unhealthily has got to be much larger. But I'm not trying to marginalize those women with a condition, I just think it's a similar situation as little people who need their clothes altered or buy specifically from clothing companies who offer entire lines of clothes for their sizes.

Numbers on a scale and sizes on pants are not at all an indicator of health. They are simply a way to measure a person. Unfortunately many, many people have a desire to reach the lowest weight or lowest size. I think the biggest measure of health is happiness, because life is such a fickle thing that you could be a size 2 and get hit by a car tomorrow...or you could be a man size 48 and live to be 70. If you are happy with yourself and your quality of life is average or greater; who cares what size you are? Quality of life can be defined as that life is easier if you an averaged size person because transportation seats (bus, train, plane, car) are not made with obese people in mind. Life is easier if you aren't having to give yourself insulin shots, or life is easier if you aren't in and out of hospitals for anemia or dehydration etc.... I think everyone reading this can agree that being 'normal' is nice. And not having to work hard to be 'normal' is even nicer. But 'normal' is varied by person. So with that said...here is my humble attempt at how to get you to achieve your best self.

recent dinner of BLT-E salad

Clean up your eating. Just DO IT. Quit buying crap, because then you won't eat crap. At first I was a little worried that eating clean would lead me more to disordered eating because of cutting out entire groups of food. But the truth is, eating clean doesn't cut out any types of food, it just means you have to make them yourself or buy the more expensive versions with less crap in them. Mac and cheese isn't cut out, peanut butter isn't cut out, bread isn't cut out, dessert isn't cut out.... it's just a different version. So this actually doesn't lead to disordered eating because you can eat anything you want! :-) Yeah it takes some work, but it really comes down to commitment and determination. Don't quit. If you have to use those "shake" diets to get you started (think Herbalife, Shakeology), so be it, but it's my personal opinion those aren't the best things for you because it's not a whole-food product. It's processed and not the way humans were meant to eat... I mean... consuming your calories in liquid form? Not for me... but do whatever you have to do to get on the clean eating train but don't let them be a crutch for you for forever because A) expensive and B) I think you'd be happier figuring out a way to enjoy whole foods through chewing and a meal experience. It's more mentally satisfying. I know there are studies and claims saying they help you lose weight, and I'm sure that's true... but go for the lifestyle change that's long term and not a quick fix or unsustainable the second you quit the diet.

#gymselfie

Live an active life. Notice I didn't say 'exercise.' It's my opinion again that exercise is simply a means to an end. It helps release beta endorphins, but so does sex. It helps build and strengthen muscle, but so does chopping a load of wood. It helps burn calories but so does walking everywhere you go. See what I'm getting at? As long as you are active on a daily basis, you'll be happier, stronger, and fitter. I love working out, but it's not possible for me to do it every day anymore, especially when my husband travels. I just keep an active life by playing with my kids outside, walking to the park, cleaning the house, baking all of our meals from scratch. I USE my body to live my life and that's what matters. You should try it. Don't work so hard at your job that you don't leave time for yourself!

I know this is maybe a bunch of mumbo-jumbo to some of you... but I am just so happy that I've reached a place in my life where I care more about making my body work for ME and not me working for my body. If I have pudgy love handles so be it, I can do a lot of s*#t and I am proud of that. I am satisfied with the quality of food going into my body, so I am happy with my body. If I don't eat crap, and don't live like crap, I am happy with me! I literally could sing it from the roof tops. I have no desire to reach a size 0 or XXXS. If I naturally get there, fine (but we all know that's not my natural body size). I have no desire to reach 130 lbs, if I naturally get there (won't happen either) fine. I'm not going to restrict calories (or even count them), I'm not going to kill my body to reach a crazy ideal. I'm going to eat good food, be active, and be happy. Life's too short-- plus I'm a Christian and this life isn't the end!!

FL!

Reach out if you want moral support :-)

What's a brain?

My conversations with G before bed are always fun, but tonight was spectacular and worth remembering for sure. We talked about various things and then she asked what we were doing tomorrow (...which she always does. She likes to know what's coming up. She is a future planner and is very detailed oriented.) I told her the run down and then she asked if the next day was Tuesday. I said no, the next day is Monday. She said, "oh? What are we doing on Monday?"

I told her the main this is taking J to the ear doctor. Of course she asked why and so I said, "to make sure he is hearing well and that his ears don't hurt or anything." She asked, "why?" To which I said that his ears are a little different and we just have to check them sometimes. She asked if her ears were different and I said, not really, they're pretty regular. Then she mentioned how sometime lady bugs are different (last night I told her a story about a lady bug who was black with red spots instead of red with black spots)...to which I said, "yes that's right sometimes they are!"

Then she asked who J's ear doctor is... And I told her his name. She then said, "oh one time we took J to the nosey doctor and that's dr XXXX too!" I was so floored at this point because it's been months since we went to the ENT and she remembered his name that she heard like once! So then I said, "yup! It's the same doctor for his nosey and his ears. You're so smart! You have a big brain, huh!?"

Then she asked what a brain is..... Yeah, been waiting for that one! Haha

So I told her that brains are like computers for people. That they tell us what to do...whenever we have thoughts that's our brain and they are inside our head (I pointed to show her). I also gave examples of things brains do, like tell our body to move in certain ways, or have thoughts about our friends... I mean it's tough to explain to a 3 year old but I did my best.

She seemed appeased with the answer and then asked if I had a brain, if J had a brain, if daddy has a brain...and I said yes to all of them.... THEN she asked if daniel tiger has a brain (lol!!). I said, "sure! But only the daniel tiger on the tv show, not your daniel here (in her bed), he's just squishy so he doesn't have a brain" then she said, "just a squishy brain!!" And burst into giggles.

Oh man, I love this girl so much!!!! Our nightly conversations are the best <3

Just wanted to record for posterity and maybe someone else might find it amusing! 

Day in the life of mom

Alarm at 425 am, up and ready & out the door by 4:46

5 am, workout, today was lower body circuits. Rocked it.

6:05-6:45 am, home, shower, throw on the toddler-mom summer uniform of athletic shorts and a collegiate t shirt, eat a post work out first-breakfast (Greek yogurt, honey, PB, apple), kiss hubby good bye (the benefit to early morning workout is I'm actually awake enough to tell him have a good day).

Close to 7 am I consider (A) folding the laundry sitting in baskets next to my bed or (B)starting the cleaning I've got scheduled for the evening but I'm pretty spent and so I make the rare decision to (C) lay down on the bed for a while.

7:40 am, little miss enters my room to say "I need to go potty!" She used to just get up and go, but now it warrants an announcement I guess, so we traipse downstairs because she likes going down there better. I start a load of laundry.

7:50 am, she (thankfully) doesn't ask about watching a show, so we decide to do some "school pages" (I bought her preschool reading, preschool math, and preschool sequence & patterns workbooks and the first two are completed & we're wrapping up the s/p one now)

8:25 am, I think J is awake (didn't grab the monitor, I was just hearing thumps through the ceiling) so we head up to get him, but it turns out he's not (we had a late night and busy weekend so I guess he's catching up, too bad he's not my only kid so I could actually enjoy the late sleeping ha!)

8:30-8:50 am, instead of returning downstairs I start folding the clothes in my room & G asks what she can do now, I tell her she can play, look at books, or help me. She's not keen on any of it and whines a good amount so I dump out the whites and tell her to comb through it to find her underwear. She's great at helping so that goes over well. Then she gets antsy and so we chat and sing songs while I finish. J is still a sleeping toddler, so we decide I'll make breakfast and G can watch a show

8:50 - 9:30 am, laundry switch, swiffer floor, empty dishwasher, make breakfast. G watches end of dinosaur train and start of sesame street. 

9:30 am, G turns off TV with no fight (huzzah!) and we go get mister-man up. His diaper is super smelly (taco salad the night before eeeek). He hates diaper changes these days so :-( to that

9:40 am Breakfast is whole wheat grassfed buttermilk pancakes and blueberries on the side. The kids have agave on top of theirs and mine are plain. I don't always make a fancy breakfast like that but it's grocery store day and somehow we are all out of dry and hot cereal and there aren't any weekend leftovers and I only have 2 eggs. Whew.

9:50 am, the treasurer from my mom group drops by to get a check I forgot to give her yesterday, my bad!

10:05 am, kids are down and playing while I clean up. It's good for them to have unorganized self moderated play. At least this is what I tell myself while I slave away in the kitchen because I'm too type A. Don't bother telling me to save the mess for later, ain't happenin' sister. Although I did leave a few hand-wash dishes in the sink, mostly because I was washing my dryer mat.

10:15 am, told the kids we were gonna get ready and go do a craft at the library...G pitched a fit because she didn't want to go. Are you kidding me??? She loves crafts and loves the library. Ugh #lifewithagirl I roll with it because, hey, it's not something we HAVE to do and I'm not gonna fight her to go do something fun. We do have to grocery shop though.
10:20 am, we facetimed with Grandma to talk about visiting and since we hadn't in a while. It went okay. Of course G was shy at first and J was a little ham who then got mad when I wouldn't let him hold the phone.... We chatted about 10 minutes and then got ready for the store.
10:50 am, head out the door....this is a process, almost every time. Need to potty? Where's our socks? Do we have snacks and drinks packed? Why are you both crying? Ugh, Ugh, Ugh! Why do we even both leaving the house? Because the fridge is bare...so here we go!

11 am; I was in the mood for paradise by cold play so I turned it on and got this sweet conversation from G; 

Me; jamming out.

G; What's this song called

Me; Paradise

G; What is paradise

Me; Paradise is a beeeaaaautiful place

G; oh yeah! Like you also skate on ice! Right mom?

11:05 am, we drive past the library and wouldn't you know G pipes up "I do want to do a craft!" "I DO want to go the library!" I think about saying, too bad, you shouldn't have said no at home....but I really wanted to go myself, so I give her a hard time about not making that decision at home and how we don't have our return books or our library card so it's going to be more difficult but we will definitely go and to the craft because it's something fun to do and next time let's make that decision at home.
11:10 - 11:50 am, decorate a Styrofoam cup with crayons and googly eyes, shovel in potting soil and plant a sunflower seed with each kid. Check out a few books and play a bit.
11:50 am head out to the grocery store. J hates his car seat now (it's really time to move him up to the big boy seat) and so getting into the car is never my favorite thing.
noon, arrive at the grocery store just as it's feeding time at the zoo. Oh well. I salvage the trip preemptively by utilizing the race car carts that have two seats and steering wheels. My kids have never got to sit in these (hello germs!) but I make the exception today after Clorox wiping it down (I used 5, in case you were wondering how many it took). They are so stoked! I also hand them their snacks and drinks and we mosey inside.

12 - 1 pm, stick mostly to our list but still manage to spend $180. I hate how much healthy food costs. I did buy like 8 packs of Sargento cheese though because it was on sale. Also got; peaches, pears, cherry tomatoes, lemons, grapes, cherries, two packs of power greens, radishes, butternut squash, egg plant, bell peppers, cucumber, pineapple, Italian sausage, regular sausage, omega 3 brown eggs, almond milk, grassfed cottage cheese, 7 yogurt cups for the kids, tub of grassfed Greek yogurt for us, pita chips (splurge this week), nitrate free ham, several boxes of annie's homegrown snacks for the kids to take to grandma's house, 2 things of honey, 'clean' strained tomatoes jar & 'clean' pasta sauce in case I don't get enough homemade sauce out of that, oats, 5-grain cereal (bob's brand), blue-pom wheat-fuls (MOMS brand) cereal for the kids, non concentrate OJ (2 plus calcium/D and 1 plain), nitrate free bacon... I think that's it. Of course we had our occasional hiccups of behavior, but overall it was pretty good thanks to the 'lets-be-real' cookie from the bakery I let the kids scarf down because they were teetering on the edge of fighting. Mostly I hated the trip because of how expensive it is. I really wish we lived in the country so I could get into gardening. I have to say though, we'd probably spend the same amount on food even if we weren't eating clean, just because we never eat out and I never did like to buy pure crap. I did earn 10 cents off per gallon of gas too.
1:20 pm, get home and unload the groceries.
1:30 pm, G is used to getting to watch a show while I make lunch...that became a habit after her preschool camp two weeks ago, soooo yup. Another 20 minutes of screen time here. Grand total of an hour, so I'm fine with that. J doesn't really care about TV, he ends up flipping through some books and then bugging me for bites. G actually takes his cue and looks at her new library books too instead of really watching the TV. Win.
2 pm, lunch is a homemade wheat bun turkey, cheese, spinach sandwich for G, with veggies & fruit and a few organic corn chips. I have a salad with (leftover) grassfed beef sauteed with carrots/onion/garlic/homemade taco seasoning plus cucumber chips, radish, bell pepper, salsa, a slice of pepper jack cheese and some organic corn chips. J has a combination of our two lunches cut up smaller. For dessert we split 2 graham crackers and milk. G has to go potty in the middle of lunch because she's gotten into that annoying habit, but better that than blowing up.
2:40 pm, kids play / fight while I clean up (don't worry, I do have G help me a little bit by carrying things over)
3 pm, switch a load of laundry and corral the kids upstairs to get ready for naps. I usually aim for earlier than this but the morning was long.
3:35 pm, both kids are in their beds after reading books, telling stories, drinking water and such....J cries for a while before zonking out (I think it's because it's the first time since Friday that I put him down) and G never goes to sleep.
4:30 pm, after an hour of 'quiet time, I get G up. We read a few books, change some laundry, pick up toys, and start dusting
6 pm, check to see if my husband has called to say he's coming home...no dice. G and I keep plugging away on our cleaning/playing. He finally gets home around 6:25 pm.
6:25 pm, get J up from his nap since he was still zonked out. I don't usually ask my husband to make dinner, but since it's just grilling and I want to finish my cleaning, he obliges me. He gives the kids a snack of yogurt while prepping dinner and I clean upstairs. Dust, vaccuum, , toilets, sinks, organize...thankfully I'm jamming out to some tunes and it's enjoyable :-)
6:45 pm, the kids head outside with my husband. I'm sure it's a hassle, but he's sweet like that ;-)
7:30 pm, I'm done and we start to plate dinner. I change J's diaper and he's actually cooperative! Hooray.
7:45 pm, Dinner is grilled butterfly pork chops, grilled zucchini/squash/carrots/mushrooms, grilled sweet potato, and grilled butternut squash
8:20 pm, done with dinner, and yes G had to got potty during dinner again.
8:25 - 8:45 pm, I played with the kids a bit and my husband cleaned up outside. Then we both start cleaning up the kitchen because many hands make light work and the kids play.
8:45 - 9:10 pm, family dance party to josh turner. It's super fun. My husband and I dance together to part of a song, despite the kids whining at our feet. I tell him, sometimes you just have to have ear muffs. We dance with them all the other times, we deserved a minute of solo dance LOL
9:15 - 9:30 pm, get ready for bed, which is all together. My hubby takes care of J and I help G. Then we come together to read books and say prayers. The cutest thing happens while I'm reading the book "What Brothers/Sisters Do Best." J is holding G's cup and offering her a drink (Water) and G picks up J's cup and offers him a drink...so they are sitting there giving each drinks. It was really precious, especially because they were giggling and smiling at each other. Life is good! My husband puts J to bed and I stay with G for a little bit. We chat about the day and our plans for the next day. One of my favorite parts of the day is when she says, "Mom will you stay with me for a little bit." and I say, "of course baby." I lay my head next to hers on the pillow and we snuggle up. It is so sweet and peaceful.
9:45 -10:15 pm my husband makes his lunch (I used to do this for him and then I just kind of handed the task over in exchange for me doing other stuff) and I pack up for my job the next day. After I'm done I stay in the kitchen with him for a minute and grab a few bites of the munchies he's eating...had told myself I wasn't going to snack after dinner anymore but his pretzels look so delish. so I have a handful and don't feel bad about it at all.
10:30 pm, after getting ready for bed myself, I lay in bed for far too long typing up this blog and I still don't finish so at 11:15 pm I save it and go to sleep.
apparently my hubby came to bed around midnight after watching two of his deadwood shows.
We used to go to bed at the same time but since I've been getting up early to work out, I try to go to sleep at a decent hour.


So there you have it...this really was a typical day in the life of me :-)
now you know why I never really post any more! love to you all