My goals and also a bit about halfway through whole 30

Half way into the whole 30, and I am just glad to be feeling happy about what's going into my body. If whole 30's goal is to lose weight, that's a bad goal. The way to loose weight is to have a calorie deficit, and no where in the whole 30 literature does it talk about counting calories. Basically, many people do lose weight because they are simply eating less calories based on the fact that veggies have way less calories than fast food options. But I think if you were already eating fairly clean, whole 30 won't really change that much. The main way I'm going to see the weight loss I wish I could achieve is if I start working out more. But that is so hard with my limitations. I did take a fitness pilates class this week and OMG I love it. I knew I would from the fact that I did it every week, twice a week, for months after G was born (until we moved). I really had missed it, and hated the fact that I'm no where near in pilates shape like I used to be. I mean. You guys. I used to take advanced reformer classes. It was no joke. But.... here I am. Two kids later. A torn up abdomen later. and busy mom life later....

Back to whole 30. So I was feeling super negative about my body at the end of last year. And just within the first week of whole 30 I was back down to the weight and body image I was before the holidays hit. So that's the best news out of the whole thing. And my kids are way less sugar dependent (honey counts as sugar, and seeing as how I no longer "have" to put it into their oatmeal...that's a win!) G also eats scrambled eggs without cheese in them, so also big win (they eat cheese other times of the day). I just wish they would eat unsweetened Greek yogurt...but tried that and failed (ended up having to squeeze in some honey before they'd finish their cups). Mostly they still eat ketchup with meat. I don't plan on fighting that battle yet, because I'll take some not-terrible ketchup over not-eating-meat any day.

My hubby hasn't had any alcohol in 16 days and that's a super awesome win (me too, but I wasn't a drink every night person like he was). We have not had late night unhealthy snacks (we had developed a 3-4 times a week chips and salsa habit) in 16 days and we have not had dark chocolate or anything sweet (aside from sweet potatoes or fruit) for that matter.

What a pride point!

But. I really want to start caring about pride so much less. I need to stop focusing on external. I always say out loud that I don't care...but I do. So I confessed it and we are moving on.

I feel like I've got this paleo thing on wrap, but I don't think after the whole 30 that I will keep it up AS strict. There will be wine sometimes and there will be weekly chocolate. I've said it before and I'll repeat, if I am happy with what goes in. I am happy with what is (size/shape/etc).

Now I need to focus on the things that matter. (body image does matter to me, though, because if I'm too hung up on my body I get anxiety and it leaves me strung out in every other area of life)

So. Thank you whole 30 for clearing my mind of the food and body woes. Here are my next goals.

1. Stop yelling at my kids. Sometimes I do better than others. I even went through a period of time where I was on a no yelling streak after I felt so guilty about yelling at G when she was 2.5. But then J's behavior got pretty bad and things escalated. I certainly wouldn't yell at my kids in front of Jesus....yet I do every day, since He lives in their souls. I must remember this and I must act on this. I ordered a book on amazon. I can't believe I paid 16 bucks for it. Thankfully I had a gift card balance. But anyways, it's called Yell Less, Love More. and I am hoping it's life changing. I bawled my eyes out last night after putting the kids to bed. Yesterday was the kind of day where I wished I had a job. And that's stupid because I know I WANT to raise them. I was just not a great mom yesterday. I guess we all have those days.
My yelling stems from resentment, impatience, perfectionism, and the fact that my son is SUPER defiant if he doesn't have 100% of your attention.
I don't need to yell at G. I guess I did enough of that for her when she was 2. So that's how I justify yelling at J...is that if I do it now, I won't have to in a year.....but that's a terrible excuse and I don't care what I did for G. I want to be better. I know I am a good mom and I know I show them crazy amounts of love. But I also know that yelling is damaging and does not set the Christ's love example I want to set.
I will surely always discipline my kids, but it is proven that fear is not an effective parenting tool. I thought it was. But it's not. I know this if I look back on my own childhood. Fear worked, but only until I figured out a way to undermine the fear. So the only way I got back on the right path was through self regulation that I learned NOT from the yelling part of my parents, but from the actual guidance part.

2. Stop living on my phone. I mean. I could be worse, but man I could be so much better. Deleting facebook was a huge step in the right direction. Next? instagram. I have to keep twitter for work, but I hate that platform, so it's not a time suck for me. The next step in operation not live on phone....email. But for work it is so so helpful to have on my phone....need to find a balance. Wish we could afford for me to quit that job. Then I'd really have no reason to be on my phone and I could even get a dumb phone again.... but we can't afford that so. Blah.

3. Stick to our budget. I take full responsibility for the fact that we have a good income but have to live so frugally and so budget conscious. I have more student loans (bills for that went up this month, we are paying almost as much on student loans as we do for our house, moral of that story, don't get student loans) and yet I don't work. Well. Not really any ways. I keep telling myself though, if we had more money to 'play' with, we'd have to donate more....because we aren't called to live lucratively as Christians. So maybe God knew that it would be harder for us to get to Heaven if we had more money....so here we sit. Nervously waiting for the other foot to drop that would land us in a terrible financial position. I hope that foot never lands. I have to stop being a martyr to organic food. But that's so hard knowing it's better for us. I can't unknow this fact. I get so conflicted finding a balance between feeding us healthy and better food versus having no money to do that. Life is so ironic. and cruel.

4. Trim the fat. In my life, that is. Certain acquaintances, groups, and positions have to be trimmed in order for me to be a better friend to those that I truly need and want in my life. So, I'm making the hard call on things to quit and say no to. Life is cruel again. Time is a big shortage in my life and I don't get enough sleep.

so, there you have it. pure and raw.

love to all.