My goals and also a bit about halfway through whole 30

Half way into the whole 30, and I am just glad to be feeling happy about what's going into my body. If whole 30's goal is to lose weight, that's a bad goal. The way to loose weight is to have a calorie deficit, and no where in the whole 30 literature does it talk about counting calories. Basically, many people do lose weight because they are simply eating less calories based on the fact that veggies have way less calories than fast food options. But I think if you were already eating fairly clean, whole 30 won't really change that much. The main way I'm going to see the weight loss I wish I could achieve is if I start working out more. But that is so hard with my limitations. I did take a fitness pilates class this week and OMG I love it. I knew I would from the fact that I did it every week, twice a week, for months after G was born (until we moved). I really had missed it, and hated the fact that I'm no where near in pilates shape like I used to be. I mean. You guys. I used to take advanced reformer classes. It was no joke. But.... here I am. Two kids later. A torn up abdomen later. and busy mom life later....

Back to whole 30. So I was feeling super negative about my body at the end of last year. And just within the first week of whole 30 I was back down to the weight and body image I was before the holidays hit. So that's the best news out of the whole thing. And my kids are way less sugar dependent (honey counts as sugar, and seeing as how I no longer "have" to put it into their oatmeal...that's a win!) G also eats scrambled eggs without cheese in them, so also big win (they eat cheese other times of the day). I just wish they would eat unsweetened Greek yogurt...but tried that and failed (ended up having to squeeze in some honey before they'd finish their cups). Mostly they still eat ketchup with meat. I don't plan on fighting that battle yet, because I'll take some not-terrible ketchup over not-eating-meat any day.

My hubby hasn't had any alcohol in 16 days and that's a super awesome win (me too, but I wasn't a drink every night person like he was). We have not had late night unhealthy snacks (we had developed a 3-4 times a week chips and salsa habit) in 16 days and we have not had dark chocolate or anything sweet (aside from sweet potatoes or fruit) for that matter.

What a pride point!

But. I really want to start caring about pride so much less. I need to stop focusing on external. I always say out loud that I don't care...but I do. So I confessed it and we are moving on.

I feel like I've got this paleo thing on wrap, but I don't think after the whole 30 that I will keep it up AS strict. There will be wine sometimes and there will be weekly chocolate. I've said it before and I'll repeat, if I am happy with what goes in. I am happy with what is (size/shape/etc).

Now I need to focus on the things that matter. (body image does matter to me, though, because if I'm too hung up on my body I get anxiety and it leaves me strung out in every other area of life)

So. Thank you whole 30 for clearing my mind of the food and body woes. Here are my next goals.

1. Stop yelling at my kids. Sometimes I do better than others. I even went through a period of time where I was on a no yelling streak after I felt so guilty about yelling at G when she was 2.5. But then J's behavior got pretty bad and things escalated. I certainly wouldn't yell at my kids in front of Jesus....yet I do every day, since He lives in their souls. I must remember this and I must act on this. I ordered a book on amazon. I can't believe I paid 16 bucks for it. Thankfully I had a gift card balance. But anyways, it's called Yell Less, Love More. and I am hoping it's life changing. I bawled my eyes out last night after putting the kids to bed. Yesterday was the kind of day where I wished I had a job. And that's stupid because I know I WANT to raise them. I was just not a great mom yesterday. I guess we all have those days.
My yelling stems from resentment, impatience, perfectionism, and the fact that my son is SUPER defiant if he doesn't have 100% of your attention.
I don't need to yell at G. I guess I did enough of that for her when she was 2. So that's how I justify yelling at J...is that if I do it now, I won't have to in a year.....but that's a terrible excuse and I don't care what I did for G. I want to be better. I know I am a good mom and I know I show them crazy amounts of love. But I also know that yelling is damaging and does not set the Christ's love example I want to set.
I will surely always discipline my kids, but it is proven that fear is not an effective parenting tool. I thought it was. But it's not. I know this if I look back on my own childhood. Fear worked, but only until I figured out a way to undermine the fear. So the only way I got back on the right path was through self regulation that I learned NOT from the yelling part of my parents, but from the actual guidance part.

2. Stop living on my phone. I mean. I could be worse, but man I could be so much better. Deleting facebook was a huge step in the right direction. Next? instagram. I have to keep twitter for work, but I hate that platform, so it's not a time suck for me. The next step in operation not live on phone....email. But for work it is so so helpful to have on my phone....need to find a balance. Wish we could afford for me to quit that job. Then I'd really have no reason to be on my phone and I could even get a dumb phone again.... but we can't afford that so. Blah.

3. Stick to our budget. I take full responsibility for the fact that we have a good income but have to live so frugally and so budget conscious. I have more student loans (bills for that went up this month, we are paying almost as much on student loans as we do for our house, moral of that story, don't get student loans) and yet I don't work. Well. Not really any ways. I keep telling myself though, if we had more money to 'play' with, we'd have to donate more....because we aren't called to live lucratively as Christians. So maybe God knew that it would be harder for us to get to Heaven if we had more money....so here we sit. Nervously waiting for the other foot to drop that would land us in a terrible financial position. I hope that foot never lands. I have to stop being a martyr to organic food. But that's so hard knowing it's better for us. I can't unknow this fact. I get so conflicted finding a balance between feeding us healthy and better food versus having no money to do that. Life is so ironic. and cruel.

4. Trim the fat. In my life, that is. Certain acquaintances, groups, and positions have to be trimmed in order for me to be a better friend to those that I truly need and want in my life. So, I'm making the hard call on things to quit and say no to. Life is cruel again. Time is a big shortage in my life and I don't get enough sleep.

so, there you have it. pure and raw.

love to all.

Accepting your kid versus parenting

Something big has been on my mind for a few weeks now and I can't fully come to a conclusion, so here I am, attempting to work through it in a public forum. Humor me.

One of G's biggest personality traits (for now? forever?) is her introversion and extreme shyness. She is so very shy with strangers, more than I believe is "normal" for her age. After she warms up to you, it's fine, but that can take quite a while.
She also doesn't like to do anything that she's not good at (or that she perceives she is no good at). She learns from watching, and is definitely not the kind of kid to jump into the fire. Ever since she was a baby, I knew she wouldn't be my physically adventurous kid. And to some degree, that's awesome not really having to worry about her poking an eye out or breaking a bone doing something crazy. Her brother, on the other hand, currently has a shiner at age 14 months and was climbing before he was walking. G sizes things up from a far and says, "nope, not doing that." or "hey, I think I can be good at that.' Once her mind is made up, it's all but impossible to change it. This is a good and bad thing.

These traits are all fine by me, because I do want her to be her own person....even if that's not how I am. Although. I wasn't always like that...I definitely had to develop into the woman I am today, and I think part of that had to do with my parents. I'm not saying that I was as painfully shy as she is, but my mom has said I wasn't very talkative with strangers. (which I look back and think I was, but she claims that was more my sister...which is weird to me) I also certainly wasn't athletic as a kid (I kept running off the soccer field--crying I think). I 100% consider myself an athlete now, though I'm no pro or anything. Athleticism and competition (primarily with myself) is a defining characteristic to me. Again, I don't think that was my natural instinct as a kid. So I believe it took my parents pushing me to keep trying, to become who I am today.

So here I sit. Trying to figure out the right balance of pushing / forcing G to do things she whines / cries / tantrums about, and letting her be herself ("I want to go home" "I want to stay home" "nooooooooo")

I know that there isn't one right answer, just like there isn't one right answer to sleep training your kid (see a million posts circa 2011). And I also know this is just one more drop in the bucket as far as parenting conundrums I will find myself facing.

Parenting properly is super challenging. It's even more challenging when you are trying to do it yourself without tossing her in day care or something to make some one else do it part of the time. There.is.no.break. I know I'm "doing" that to myself, by not putting her in preschool...and maybe I still will decide on a part time program, but for now, I'm still trying to be the parent I want to be.... which is the parent who makes the time to screw up her kid rather than let someone else try their hand at botching the life God entrusted to me. #cynicalmuch

So most of this is brought on by our recent experience with kindermusic.
Many people have told me how much G seems to enjoy music, and I totally agree with them. She loves singing, loves listening to music, and gets SO excited by certain songs. So I did the only thing I know how to do....researched music classes in the area. She's still pretty young for private instrument lessons, so I settled on a kindermusic program. I looked through all the options in our wealthy-over-achieving-county-with-a-million-extra-curriculars and made the appropriate arrangements.

The first week went pretty well, and was our free trial. I asked her if she wanted to keep going to music school and she jumped up and down, YES! So I paid for the next month and went on our way. The following week, as soon as I mentioned to G we were heading to music class (in the car en route), she FLIPPED S***. Seriously, you would have thought I told her I was going to leave her on the side of the road in a card board box. I finally get her calmed down enough to go inside, because in typical Kaylene fashion we were teetering on 'late' and didn't have time to spare sitting in the car debating.
Once inside, more tantrum behavior followed, and I did all the "right" things of not giving her a reaction, going into the class with J, ignoring etc... then it didn't work and she was making too much of a scene, so I tried to be direct / firm and her behavior was still piss poor so we went home and I pretty much threw her in her room and let her scream and cry it out until she realized I don't accept tantrums in public. It was a miserable afternoon and day, and yes I still showed her love and all.... but no one in my home acts like that in public...shouldn't ever act like that, but especially in public. She kept saying how she didn't like music and didn't want to go back.... well that sucks, because I already paid FIFTY BUCKS. wth. She was so on board and now she hates it? ugh.
So I dropped it completely. I didn't mention music class the whole next week. Then this morning I had my mom ask her if she was going to music class today.... G pretty much clammed up and went mopey. When it was time to leave our house, she started to get upset and I said..."hey, why don't you take Gloria (her waterbaby) to music class and show her what it's all about".... so that got us out the door and into the building. But I could never get her in the room. There was, thankfully, no tantrum or melt down....but it was obvious she wasn't going in the room unless I forceably picked her up and put her in the room. I didn't do that. Instead I let her know I was disappointed we came all that way and she wouldn't even try. Then she looked at me on the verge of tears and said her belly hurt. Now maybe that was a cop out (I wouldn't put it past her), but maybe she also had kid-anxiety. Maybe she is that dreadfully afraid of people she doesn't "know" (even though she has seen them 3 Wednesdays in a row now), that it gives her a stomach ache. I don't know...I know if she had a friend in the class, it'd be much easier.
When I drop her off for Moppets (The kid care at MOPS), her buddy is in there and she's totally fine with me leaving...if I drop her off and he's not there, she is a lot less willing to go inside.
Maybe I can have the teacher get me in contact with a mom of another kid in kindermusic and set up a play date so they can become friends and that'd help her....
But that still doesn't solve my dilemma about how hard to push her and how much to let her alone.
Ultimately I think I have to figure it our for myself, since I'm her mom and I know her better than anyone, but I also don't want my preconceived notions of how I want my kid to be to affect her... except I think that's been happening since the dawn of time, and God gives parents the job of raising their kids to the best of their ability, which would naturally include the parents own experiences and presumptions about how a person should be.
I will never forget a play date we had right when we moved back to Kansas, with one of my best friends who I never see. She commented on how funny it was that her daughter was super athletic and loved running/kicking/throwing but couldn't sit down to listen to one book...and my daughter loved to sit and listen to books forever. My friend was saying it's funny, because she "wanted' her daughter to be more like mine, because that's how my friend is.... whereas I "wanted" my daughter to be more like hers, because that's how I am. Now, I certainly love my daughter and don't want anyone else to have her!! I'm just sharing the anecdotal story because I think it reflects something all parents want...a kid who is more like them than not, because it makes it easier to get along and manage.

G is a lot like me in so many ways, but it's VERY obvious in the ways she is not...but she is a KID and kids don't have fully developed frontal lobes or the experience of adults. She doesn't know how to go into certain situations and flourish. She doesn't know her talents, and certainly doesn't know how to utilize them. It's my job as her mom to give her the tools necessary to find those two things out.

I'm just at a crossroads (Yet again) of figuring out my own parenting style. (I know I keep saying "my" instead of "our," despite how involved of a father my husband is...I'm just writing this on my personal blog, from my personal perspective, and generally speaking, my husband would defer to whatever I figure out, God Bless him)

The little girl that made me a momma is 3

Last weekend was G's third birthday. This is both welcomed and shocking. I "can't believe how big she is" but I also can't believe it's "only" been three years.

I can totally remember life before her, and in some ways my husband and I yearn for those years....because ya'll know being a parent is just tough, especially when they are so demanding of your time and energy....marriages are forever changed by kids. But in way more ways, we are so blessed, lucky, and happy to have her in our life.

This past year was such a huge one of growth for her.

First, she made potty training seem like it was like learning to fly without wings. OMG it was so hard. I'm sure you remember all of those blog posts....
But, she did it, we did it, it was a team effort. No accidents since last summer. Just today she wiped her own bottom for the first time & I had no clue! I was down turning on laundry (I knew she had gone to the bathroom) and when I got upstairs she was flushing! I mean...#cool. Can't wait for that journey with J....not.

Second, she went from barely saying words to telling stories, singing songs, pretending, having a vocabulary of probably thousands of words (who's really sitting there counting?), "reading" books, etc.... She is an individual person with all of these emotions, feelings, thoughts, ideas.... I love it. Seriously, I cannot believe she was in my belly just 3 years and 1 week ago. And then for her first 6 months of life she was TOTALLY dependent on me and my milk (God's provision, of course). I kept that little person alive...and now she is thriving. It's so miraculous.

Third, she started sleeping in her 'toddler' bed. She'll probably sleep in that thing for years...she's so petite, I don't know why we'd need to buy a "big kid" bed until she'll too long for it....that won't be until she's probably 6.

Fourth, she started "writing" and "drawing." She's pretty good at tracing letters, but only a few are distinguishable on their own. She draws pictures of stick people, with huge heads of course. She is pretty darn good at coloring within lines, and she can "cut" and use glue.

Fifth, gross motor wise, she's all there. skipping, hopping, dancing, etc...

Her personality is in full force, and it's all her. She's got 90% me and 10% my husband. I told him the other night, what did he expect since he "let me stay home and raise her myself." HAHA... he gets a good deal of quality time with her, though, and plays with her more than most working fathers do. I'm really proud of the effort he takes to be present in her life. I really don't feel like she is lacking in that department, which is good, because I wouldn't accept any less from him. Girls need their fathers. Her relationship with him will have more of an impact on her life than any other human relationship, in my opinion. Yes, her relationship with me or with her brother are very important....it's just my belief that a girl and her father is the relationship where she solidifies her self confidence in "male" subjects (not that I can't model that, it's just my belief that her relationship with her dad solidifies it), where she learns appropriate respect to demand from future love interests, and where she comes to respect or not respect her self worth.

To summarize G at 3---

Favorite;
food-- oatmeal with blueberries is a solid choice, she'd love to eat junky food all the time (like chicken nuggets) but that doesn't happen. She is pretty picky with meat. She likes cereal, eggs, carbs anything (pancakes, muffins, etc...)
song-- ABC song
color-- red
book--currently it's this 5 story collection of Bernstein Bears, but she loves just about any book you give her
show-- daniel tiger and super why
clothing item-- comfy pants
drink-- juice (but she only gets that at breakfast)
snack-- happy family anything, annie's homegrown cookies, fruit, yogurt
friend-- Levi
activity-- doing school cards or pages, she also enjoys playing "big kid" things with us without J around (like jigsaw puzzles, candy land, match game, doll house....)

She doesn't really nap these days, about 2/7 days she takes a nap, other than that it's "quiet time"
She sleeps about 10 hours over night. She takes showers every other day with our help.

least ideal attributes; TANTRUMS, duh. She gets REALLY set in her ways and won't change her mind for anything. Independence....but that's both good and bad. I want her to be independent, so I don't want to "break her of that" but it can be REALLY challenging
best attributes; she's a great helper, a really good big sister, aims to please, for her age is pretty reasonable, she minds me fairly well in public, she's cautious and observative, has a really good attention span

Basically she's really awesome but can throw the biggest fit you've ever seen. It's a passionate person problem. I'm the same way. Still.

For her third birthday I hand crafted a Daniel Tiger theme (thanks to PBS parents for the free printables)

Fits & Such

Not to be out done on the blog by her brother, G has been throwing fits of the century in order to obtain some wordage on Letters from Momma.

eating a pb&h like a big girl-not cut into bite size pieces!

I knew it was inevitable. I was surely a terror for my mom. Not the tear the house up, hit other kids, run off in stores kind of kid....but the screaming bloody murder at the slightest sign of authority kind of kid.

And I birthed my own 28 months ago. It's genetic and probably tied to intelligence. My mom and I are not identical, we have our similarities, sure, but we are pretty different in many ways. My husband and my dad are super different. And yet our daughter is miss-temper/miss-feisty just like I was. My mom used to say that I acted like I was smarter than everyone and attributed my fit-throwing and behavior to that. Maybe part of that is true? I think I was just forming my inner-moral-compass and exerting my belief that I could do things on my own. (I know I can't do everything, but I would certainly try) I'm independent and a super-hard worker...Baby I was born that way--and so was my daughter.

recent selfie

I love her to pieces, and she has her sweet moments, but there hasn't been a day in over a week that didn't have at least 2 MAJOR meltdowns.

But I am getting better at handling them, and I know that she is only 2 (but between you and me, the fits will only get worse from now until the time she's...11 or so, because that's when words become more powerful...and if she's like me, she'll wield them like a sword).



on our mommy&me date (first real one since J was born)



Unconditional love is something I am good at, I think, and I really try to set her up for success as far as keeping her fed, well-rested, etc (though we don't live in a perfect world). I'm working on not showing how frustrated she can make me at all, because that only fuels the fire. The past 2-3 days, I really do stuff it down and "kill her with kindness." I know she'll probably make me cry as she gets older, and managing her as a toddler is preparation for all that is to come. I hope it's all worth it, and that when she's a mom herself...she will have this incredible respect, adoration, and love for me... because she will know she treated me like crap half the time, and I loved her through it all, and was always there for her. Thanks mom.



What has she thrown fits about?

The biggest one has been about wanting to turn a light off... and I told her, "sure, go ahead" but then she wouldn't do it & was wasting time, so I said alright mommy will just do it...and I did it. Because, duh, you have to follow through on what you say as a parent. So then for the next 40 minutes she was a big screaming, blubbering, slobbering, fingers-in-the-mouth-crying, mess. Awesome.
She also threw a fit about needing to 'hurry up and get ready for gymnastics.' Yeah...something fun!! What the heck.
I'm pretty sure it's simply my authority that sets her off...I know that's usually what got me mad as a kid too...not being old enough to do my own thing.

She's too big for her britches, I tell you. I know I could let her have her way, and not have to deal with her fits...but that wouldn't teach her about the world and she'd end up like all the kids I see these days that drive me batty. (You know the type...instant gratification, no respect, entitlement, etc,etc). I do pick and choose my battles, though, because it doesn't really matter on some things. I'm just trying to teach her about life and respect and major rules.

I would much, much, much rather have it this way than have a kid who didn't question things. I think she will be a strong-willed woman, just like me, and I'm glad. I just have to help her learn to control her personality so that she uses it for good and not bad. Nothing like a challenge, eh?

I don't really need advice or anything. Between knowing how my own mom handled me, knowing what the parenting magazines say, and knowing how I would have handled myself, I've really got a handle on it. What I do need is a support group that says, "hey, Kaylene, you are an awesome mom and this too shall pass because yeah, she's crazy, and drives you batty sometimes, but she also gives the best hugs and loves you so much that she wants to be just like you."

Here's to hoping that J continues to prove himself as the "easy kid" ;-)