Hello again

Well our summer has been so fun lately, and super busy!

I took on a third part time job (marketing outreach for organic baby food, tutor, and now meat sampler at whole foods). It's easy, fun, and amazing money. So, win-win-stress. I hate being one foot in and one foot out sometimes. Being a stay at home mom that works so many part time jobs, kind of pulls me in 100 directions and things get set to the side AND I go crazy. I think I'd die if nothing got set to the side. Thank God I gave up facebook months ago. Sorry.

The kids are amazing. Most people who know them can't get over how cute they are.
I'm over here like, please come back when their heads are spinning and one throws up in the bath from hysterics. And another throws a fit because a pretend screw isn't going into the hole on the pretend tool bench. I mean. Come on.

But then one asks me how God makes a soul, and the other face plants a huge kissero on your open mouth...and you just melt. These children of ours are amazing blessings. Literally, our life is wonderful, and without them, I think it'd be mediocre.

The hubby is moving and groving at work and I am so proud of him. I could brag on him for ages, but he does still leave clothes lying around sometimes, so I guess he isn't perfect. He's close though. I mean really close. And the more spiritual growth we do together, the more I feel he's going to obtain perfection someday and I'm just a mess of hormones and failures.

But then I remember I'm awesome too and so we all win!

But really, our summer has been full of
learning time (currently working on telling time, it's a slow process at this age, and that's fine; also working on counting to 100, which she's getting great at; plus handwriting; as well as ABCs for the little one)
playdates (parks, pools, homes galore)
family visits (so many visits this year it's been awesome!)
homeschool conference (eeek!!!!)
work and work and work
fishing

Hubs and I saw JOSH TURNER in concert

We went to the zoo twice

We went to the farmstead

We celebrated mothers and Father's Day

We met our new nephew/cousin

outside living
future dreaming and planning
church going
food prepping, cooking, eating - utilizing our CSA veggies <3
and our AC is currently out. so there's that!!

love to you all

What's in my Paleo-ish kitchen?

I decided to share some of my favorite staples and some non photogenic shots of my kitchen pantry, cabinets, and refrigerator! This is just how it was today, nothing altered or bought special :-) I did straighten up a tiny bit, though. But as you can see from the fridge, I live life on the edge of disorganization :-)

PANTRY-
I got a steal on lightly sweetened organic sunbutter for the kids (okay, also sometimes adults) at Natural Grocers recently. Big win, because A, it's expensive and B, sunbutters are usually super sugary.
Homemade almond butter in reused container.
coconut butter, not as good as I had hoped, and the cause of the 6 stitches in my finger. (okay, not direct cause, but the immersion blender accident of 2015 was due to blending coconut butter)
a few 100% juice boxes for kids on super rare (less than once a month) occasions
a ton of organic BPA free diced tomatoes and tomato paste.
4 boxes of organic mac and cheese by Back to Nature
coconut oil. Hated coconut growing up, but apparently it's healthy, so I'm fond of it now. Just not the dried coconut. But I eat it in Lara Bars ;-)
coconut flour
tons of cereal boxes because I buy it on sale, but we go through it super slowly. The kids have cereal for breakfast maybe once a week. And I really only buy low sugar, gluten free, healthy kinds ;-)
organic coconut milk, clearanced can pumpkin from a year ago :-/ sooo about that
can of wild caught, sustainable practice, salmon
bag of organic onions
brown sprouts bag has several sweet potatoes and some organic brown potatoes
butternut squash

SECRET CABINET
a TON of lara bars also got on sale at natural grocers
kids alive vitamins, and out of photo, my super nutrition vitamins and real food calcium supplement

selected items from FREEZER
chicken, ground pork, fish, brats
frozen veggies, fruit
homemade jam, as seen on this blog
recent impulse buy for kids-gluten free sweetened with fruit Van's waffles
a ton of homemade broth

selected items from FRIDGE
organic dates, for emergency sweetness
paleo garden veggie and sausage egg casserole for breakfasts this week
grilled chicken for easy lunch prep
lettuce and spinach
tapioca flour
almond flour
chia seeds
gluten free oats for kids
green onions
kale
radishes
a tiny bit of bell pepper and mushroom chopped for salads left
lemons
apples
berries
carrots (organic, buy the 5 lb bag for 3.97)
applegate lunch meat, pepperoni (last night we had cauliflower crust paleo pizza and didn't use them all so for a bomb snack today I had some dipped in muir glen pizza sauce that we didn't use all of either)
a few brown cow greek yogurts for the kids from Whole Foods when they had $1 sale
almond milk
cashew milk
calcium added 100% not from concentrate OJ
cage free brown eggs

SNACK CABINET
cashews
almonds
walnuts
all bulk from sprouts and whole foods
organic raisins from target when they had a sale plus cartwheel
bitsy brain ABC veggie cookies from the kids' Easter baskets
happy family gluten free best friend cookies and yogurt melts--left over from an event so the kids can eat them
Annie's gluten free bars for the kids
Annie's snack crackers
nature's bakery fig bars, probably the least healthy thing in there but the kids love them so they are a nice treat when on sale at sprouts
horizon organic cinnamon animal crackers


lucky for me there aren't any chips anywhere to be found because I'm trying to resolve to break out post-whole30 habit of chips and spicy salsa.... super love them but it was becoming a real habit so since Sunday, they've been MIA ;-)

It's crazy that there isn't any dark chocolate or ice cream...because 2.5 years ago...that'd wouldn't have been the case. This photo would have looked much different. And I just want to encourage everyone out there to give clean eating a try because it is TOTALLY worth it. And then when you're ready, give a Whole30 a shot because it's life altering and health changing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm talking to you MOM and DAD!

Life Lately!

As per usual, I have done a poor job of keeping the blog updated. So prepare for some rambles.

easter morning

We've been super busy. A major factor was the wreck I was in about 6 weeks ago. The long story short of it is that I went through a yellow light, t-boned a car that was turning, and it totaled my car. Her insurance has accepted liability for the wreck but I haven't gotten money yet. We had to buy a new car because it was the only vehicle we had that the kids could ride in. We were not prepared for that kind of expense. We financed all of it. It's an 07 toyota with over 100000 miles on it, so the rates, regardless of my 800 credit score were terrible. So I started tutoring 4 nights a week to make some fast cash. It's helping, but it sucks to have to be away during the dinner hour. I know it's tough on my husband to have to come straight home from work and be thrown into only caretaker at home role (also making his work day much tougher because he literally can't stay late even if he wanted to because he has to get home to watch our kids). I know this is a middle class, stay at home mom problem, so I don't expect any pity. I am still working for Happy Family about 30 hours a month, and trying to make other cash as I can. My mom suggested I advertise that I would do other family's ironing....but ironically I'm like the only one that still irons. My friends joke about it.

If I could keep G this age forever, I would. She's pretty much perfect and I am super lucky. She's respectful, funny, sweet, caring, and smart. But she still does get selfish sometimes, and does throw some diva fits but it's really totally manageable.
She is doing great at her sight words and working on adding. I'm trying to help her practice saying the hard g and k sounds. She's not able to do it--she always sticks her tongue up like for a duh and tuh sound. If she hasn't figured it out by fall, I guess we'll do speech through the public school. We are going to start her in official kindergarten this fall (homeschool). I also taught her how to play the card game "war" this weekend. That's a subject in homeschool right? Part of socialization, right next to paper rock scissors. That's another thing we've taught both the kids. Life with a 4 and 2 year old is pretty fun.

J is a little less difficult than he was a month ago, so that's positive. He sometimes (versus rarely) stays in his bed--but naps are still tough initially. His vocabulary has exploded but his pronunciation and others' ability to understand him are still bad. He knows his colors about 90% of the time, and a few letters. They are proving to be challenging because he's less interested and I have less time to just sit around with him and casually play. Second child probs. I've considered putting him in 'gym school' like G goes to now in the fall, and using that time to hit some serious home school lessons with her. She'd be pretty jealous, I bet though, so obviously I'm looking for some enrichment program for her. Right now my top choice is a nature school once a week. J is also very sweet. Yesterday he shared the elmo snack cup with G, even though I gave it to him. She was having a diva moment about not getting it, and after he realized that she was sad, he handed it over to her. I melted. He also gives the best hugs and kisses. Sometimes if I snuggle him to tightly he says, "mush! mush!" (smushed!! smushed!) and it's really the most adorable thing ever. He is super bright (even if not interested in learning letters), and I caught him 'reading' brown bear brown bear to himself before nap today. He understands patterns, routines, and is getting quite good at puzzles. He plays pretend so well and takes turns better than any other 2 years old I've seen (aside from G).

After all of the baby shower sweets and foods in early March, we decided to do another Whole 30 to bounce back from the yucky feelings physically and mentally from so much junk. It's been a lot easier this time around, but we are both pretty much done with being so strict. Yesterday was Easter and I made us a paleo fudgy brownie for our 'treat.' It was made with whole 30 compliant foods, but the presentation of it as a brownie is really not allowed on the whole 30 program. I'm not sad about it, because it means we didn't eat like crap or have tons of Easter candy, as in years past. So if nothing else, the sweetened with dates treat gave us a sense of some kind of tradition.

The husband's job is keeping him quite stressed, but he's managing it well. I think not drinking (due to whole 30), has really helped him figure out that he doesn't need it to manage stress. I'm sure there are times when he really just wants a drink, but he deals with it and is stronger for it. So I'm proud of him there :-) We thought we might be moving back to California, but that doesn't look like it'll be happening anymore.

I'm feeling stronger than ever, and happy with myself (not really my abs, but I know that's vain so trying to ignore the nagging mental hang up about them). My faith is at an all time high, and there's no going back there. Far from perfect, it's a life long journey toward holiness.

Speaking of.. How crazy do you think we'd be if we went to Philadelphia in September for the Pope's visit?? I mean. He's so awesome, truly radiates God's good news, and we both would love to go see him in person and experience all of the faithful people there too. And we'd want to take the kids, because....how awesome is that for them!? But A) money and B) that's crazy.

Other things we've been up to;
home improvements
gym time
park time
bike rides
planning our future

see more easter photos below!

opening easter presents that grandma and grandpa sent

throwing easter grass while wearing tiara grandma sent

Whole 30 end thoughts and 'results'

I came into the Whole 30 wanting to clean up our diet, feel less anxiety about what went into my mouth, and honestly I also wanted to lose some weight. I had gone from 153 ish in October to 161 after the holidays. It was a combination of inability to work out while trying to close my abs, finding out I shouldn't run, and also the lack of strict clean eating. My clothes were too tight and I felt crappy about myself. Whole 30 isn't about losing weight though, so the number on the scale should not have even been an interest in my heart, but it was. I'm just being honest. It's hard to forget about those goals.

I have done well at reminding myself that even thought I didn't lose more weight, I feel so SO SO much better mentally. I have to be happy and proud of that. I think it was a successful month for sure because we were never starving and never lacking for yummy food. We rid ourselves of a chocolate addiction and my husband didn't have a drink the whole time. So I mean, that's awesome since he even had a 3.5 day business trip in there (and his birthday)! Plus we both decided we can maintain a mostly paleo lifestyle moving forward.

It's been a week and a half since our 30 days were over; and we've each 'splurged' a bit on some things, but generally haven't had much grains or dairy. We've had a mild amount of sugar and the husband had two too many drinks last Friday night. I mean, considering he didn't have a drop for 37 days, then had like 4.... let's leave it with him not feeling great most of the next day. Love you honey :-)

We've both actually continued to lose a bit of weight since we've been eating well and working out still, so that's really nice to see. And the actual 30 day total was about 8 pounds for me and 12ish for the husband, but now we are both about 2 pounds more than that! I lost 2% body fat (more by now I bet) and I know my husband lost more than that. We have to be mindful with Valentines Day, Mardi Gras, G's birthday, 2 baby showers I am throwing, and St Patricks Day then Easter coming up. I half have it in my mind to do a whole 40 during Lent to keep some strictness to the sugar levels, but that's not what Lent is about, so I think we will just be mindful of it.

Today was MOPS and I had 2 chocolate cake donut holes. They were very yummy. And half of a homemade cinnamon roll. Also yummy. I feel a little guilty about it because we were trying to be paleo through the week and 'cheat' on the weekends only if we wanted to....but meh, really not that bad.

My final thoughts on the Whole 30 program is that it is wonderful. It's practical and logical. I guess some might call it crazy, but those would be the people who have not read up on the science behind food and our guts and minds. I can't recommend it enough. But I would say to see better results, try a whole45, but if that seems daunting, definitely do the whole 30 to get rid of the crap in your diet and the mental addition to food. And don't go back to eating the same crap afterwards, because then the whole 30 is merely an exercise in temperance (which I guess is still good) rather than a lifestyle adoption. Food is fuel. Give your body quality performance based options! :-)

My goals and also a bit about halfway through whole 30

Half way into the whole 30, and I am just glad to be feeling happy about what's going into my body. If whole 30's goal is to lose weight, that's a bad goal. The way to loose weight is to have a calorie deficit, and no where in the whole 30 literature does it talk about counting calories. Basically, many people do lose weight because they are simply eating less calories based on the fact that veggies have way less calories than fast food options. But I think if you were already eating fairly clean, whole 30 won't really change that much. The main way I'm going to see the weight loss I wish I could achieve is if I start working out more. But that is so hard with my limitations. I did take a fitness pilates class this week and OMG I love it. I knew I would from the fact that I did it every week, twice a week, for months after G was born (until we moved). I really had missed it, and hated the fact that I'm no where near in pilates shape like I used to be. I mean. You guys. I used to take advanced reformer classes. It was no joke. But.... here I am. Two kids later. A torn up abdomen later. and busy mom life later....

Back to whole 30. So I was feeling super negative about my body at the end of last year. And just within the first week of whole 30 I was back down to the weight and body image I was before the holidays hit. So that's the best news out of the whole thing. And my kids are way less sugar dependent (honey counts as sugar, and seeing as how I no longer "have" to put it into their oatmeal...that's a win!) G also eats scrambled eggs without cheese in them, so also big win (they eat cheese other times of the day). I just wish they would eat unsweetened Greek yogurt...but tried that and failed (ended up having to squeeze in some honey before they'd finish their cups). Mostly they still eat ketchup with meat. I don't plan on fighting that battle yet, because I'll take some not-terrible ketchup over not-eating-meat any day.

My hubby hasn't had any alcohol in 16 days and that's a super awesome win (me too, but I wasn't a drink every night person like he was). We have not had late night unhealthy snacks (we had developed a 3-4 times a week chips and salsa habit) in 16 days and we have not had dark chocolate or anything sweet (aside from sweet potatoes or fruit) for that matter.

What a pride point!

But. I really want to start caring about pride so much less. I need to stop focusing on external. I always say out loud that I don't care...but I do. So I confessed it and we are moving on.

I feel like I've got this paleo thing on wrap, but I don't think after the whole 30 that I will keep it up AS strict. There will be wine sometimes and there will be weekly chocolate. I've said it before and I'll repeat, if I am happy with what goes in. I am happy with what is (size/shape/etc).

Now I need to focus on the things that matter. (body image does matter to me, though, because if I'm too hung up on my body I get anxiety and it leaves me strung out in every other area of life)

So. Thank you whole 30 for clearing my mind of the food and body woes. Here are my next goals.

1. Stop yelling at my kids. Sometimes I do better than others. I even went through a period of time where I was on a no yelling streak after I felt so guilty about yelling at G when she was 2.5. But then J's behavior got pretty bad and things escalated. I certainly wouldn't yell at my kids in front of Jesus....yet I do every day, since He lives in their souls. I must remember this and I must act on this. I ordered a book on amazon. I can't believe I paid 16 bucks for it. Thankfully I had a gift card balance. But anyways, it's called Yell Less, Love More. and I am hoping it's life changing. I bawled my eyes out last night after putting the kids to bed. Yesterday was the kind of day where I wished I had a job. And that's stupid because I know I WANT to raise them. I was just not a great mom yesterday. I guess we all have those days.
My yelling stems from resentment, impatience, perfectionism, and the fact that my son is SUPER defiant if he doesn't have 100% of your attention.
I don't need to yell at G. I guess I did enough of that for her when she was 2. So that's how I justify yelling at J...is that if I do it now, I won't have to in a year.....but that's a terrible excuse and I don't care what I did for G. I want to be better. I know I am a good mom and I know I show them crazy amounts of love. But I also know that yelling is damaging and does not set the Christ's love example I want to set.
I will surely always discipline my kids, but it is proven that fear is not an effective parenting tool. I thought it was. But it's not. I know this if I look back on my own childhood. Fear worked, but only until I figured out a way to undermine the fear. So the only way I got back on the right path was through self regulation that I learned NOT from the yelling part of my parents, but from the actual guidance part.

2. Stop living on my phone. I mean. I could be worse, but man I could be so much better. Deleting facebook was a huge step in the right direction. Next? instagram. I have to keep twitter for work, but I hate that platform, so it's not a time suck for me. The next step in operation not live on phone....email. But for work it is so so helpful to have on my phone....need to find a balance. Wish we could afford for me to quit that job. Then I'd really have no reason to be on my phone and I could even get a dumb phone again.... but we can't afford that so. Blah.

3. Stick to our budget. I take full responsibility for the fact that we have a good income but have to live so frugally and so budget conscious. I have more student loans (bills for that went up this month, we are paying almost as much on student loans as we do for our house, moral of that story, don't get student loans) and yet I don't work. Well. Not really any ways. I keep telling myself though, if we had more money to 'play' with, we'd have to donate more....because we aren't called to live lucratively as Christians. So maybe God knew that it would be harder for us to get to Heaven if we had more money....so here we sit. Nervously waiting for the other foot to drop that would land us in a terrible financial position. I hope that foot never lands. I have to stop being a martyr to organic food. But that's so hard knowing it's better for us. I can't unknow this fact. I get so conflicted finding a balance between feeding us healthy and better food versus having no money to do that. Life is so ironic. and cruel.

4. Trim the fat. In my life, that is. Certain acquaintances, groups, and positions have to be trimmed in order for me to be a better friend to those that I truly need and want in my life. So, I'm making the hard call on things to quit and say no to. Life is cruel again. Time is a big shortage in my life and I don't get enough sleep.

so, there you have it. pure and raw.

love to all.

10 years later...

I was one of those people who joined the facebook in 2004. I was in love with the concept. It was so hip and happening.

But then. It evolved into this monster roller coaster and I was along for the ride. 

So long story short. I deactivated my facebook and it's been great. Ten years was a good run.

I've been thinking about doing it for a while now and what better new year self love is there than to rid myself of the drama and self inflicted negativity that comes from seeing others best moments played out. And the desire to reciprocate that. But I think I got better about that over the past few months when I made a pact with myself to avoid posting statuses and photos except for big events. I also got myself into too much misrepresentation waters by not realizing how I come off not as intended with my opinions.

The straw that broke the camels back was my sister and mom thinking I had an eating disorder because of whole 30. Then they messaged me on facebook about it. Not cool. At all.

A. Not an eat disorder. Quite the opposite. I feel so great not caring about portions and about knowing what goes in my body is the best fuel I can offer it to live my life. I do not believe grains offer me nutritional value and any added sugars are unnecessary to the diet. Dairy is meant for cows babies. Alcohol isn't necessary. Jury is out on legumes but I'll play along for a month. As I mentioned before I highly doubt we stay paleo after this month but even if we did... You can't criticize that as an "eating disorder." Especially if you don't classify eating Arby's or Taco Bell on even a semi regular basis as an eating disorder. 

B. Messaging someone accusing them of needing a counselor via the Facebook is really impersonal. So if I take facebook out of the equation, problem solved on that issue.

C. I could make a whole post about how I feel about these allegations and how they made me bawl my eyes out from lack of supprt and understanding my intentions... But I won't. I usually don't care what people think. And I am who I am. But when it's people in my inner circle... Of course I take it personally because of I let you get that close to me... I trust you. If you hurt me in that manner... I get confused and cry and rationalize how this ever happened if my intentions were so pure. My husband says I have a hard personality to understand. Well. It sometimes sucks being green. Know what I mean? (Kermit yall.)

D. If you think I obsess about food. Sorry.  I don't. I plan. I prepare. If that's obsessing. You're wrong. I obsess about nothing anymore. At least not for long periods of time. 

E. If my last post mentioning that I had disordered thoughts about my body after my sons birth was too strong of a statement... Don't read my blog. It was honest. And I know only a tiny amount of moms who felt awesome about their post pregnancy body so I really don't think it was out of the realm of possibilities for me (who had just been through a traumatic c section) to feel like shit about myself. So when I was physically able I started working out and made nutritional changes for the better.  That's a POSITIVE change, not obsessive.

Do I cook a lot? Yes. But we'd never eat if I didn't! Do I spend all my time thinking about food? Not at all.

So back to facebook and negativity and opinions. I'm just going to keep my stuff here. Oh and on Instagram. Still like that one. Especially for whole 30 tags.

Love to you all.

Clean Eating to Whole 30, a journey

I'm not one to change my mind--until I do.

For instance, I said I would never run a marathon, because that's just too crazy! I really wanted to run a half marathon and thought that wasn't too crazy....but the full 26.2? Totally nuts. People who CHOOSE to run that many miles, especially PAYING to do so, are absolutely nuts.

Then I ran a half marathon and felt dissatisfied. It wasn't the whole thing. It was only 'half.' And I really don't like half-assing things. If you're going to do something, do it right, I pretty much try to live by that. Call it a perfectionist problem. I've discussed it here before. And as I've aged, I try to cut myself some slack and not be so perfect....and I think I'm winning that battle in many ways! Not in all areas though.

As you know, via this blog, I decided to clean up our families diet about a year and a half ago. I had heard of clean eating prior to that and thought, meh...not for me. Mostly because I didn't WANT to give up ice cream, Velveeta, or boxed convenient options. I also justified not jumping on the clean diet because I didn't think we ate 'that bad.' And we didn't eat a lot of crap (there were veggies at every meal and I did bake some from scratch), we just ate a lot of processed foods.

But then I just kept feeling more and more crappy about myself post-J's birth. After G's I bounced back so well (duh, natural med free birth versus traumatic emergency C section), but I was a wreck after J's. I felt eating disorder mental issues creeping back in my mind and the more I thought about it; the more it became obvious it was because I wasn't happy with the fuel I was giving my body. I determined if I was happy with what was going in my body, then I had to be happy with my body. Because, after all, if your body works for you, it does no good to vainly aspire for some model figure that isn't worth it. I am who I am, and I don't get paid to look a certain way, and I am a woman of faith, so vanity is definitely a sin (even if you are getting paid to look a certain way, if you claim God as your father....you probably should recheck your occupation/spiritual life compatibility. Just saying)

I have always considered myself a good cook, and it comes naturally to me (sewing, does not, so there's that). I was excited for the challenge that clean eating would entail, and I definitely over did it in the beginning because I was learning. I got too stressed out making more complicated items, but it taught me a lot about the basis of cooking and using clean ingredients. Once you find the staples of your families diet, and understand how to cook from scratch, it becomes second nature to cook off-recipe. I really consider myself the next food network star, but what home chef doesn't?,

But Paleo? Oh hell to the no. I was on board with clean eating, because it makes sense. Giving up artificial crap is a logical move in my book. But giving up grains? They are natural. Not eating cheese? Crazy pants! Paleo people seem elitist and idealist. We are not rich over here. Not at all. Our grocery bill is already astronomical. Take away cheap meal options via beans and pasta? Bah humbug!

The basic principals of paleo eating make historical sense though, lots of meat and vegetables....Hunter/gatherer. I get it. But wheat grows in the ground and it's cheap and it's yummy. I get that cows milk is for cows, but man alive I love cheese and greek yogurt and butter. While we were clean eaters, we made grassfed dairy a priority and choose whole wheat. I felt pretty solid about those choices. And I still kind of do.

Now my confession. The past month or so was fairly rough with clean eating. Starting with an unclean Thanksgiving. I mean, it was delicious, don't get me wrong, and I tried to make the smartest choices while there....but it started us on a downward spiral into sugar filled land. The mindset became more of 'when in Rome.' When I cooked for us at home, it was clean, but we didn't eat at home nearly as much, and I baked birthday goodies using more sugar in 1 week than I had bought in the entire 2 years prior. Sugar is highly processed and we much preferred honey and agave to white sugar (it's not clean, duh). But I was tired of people giving me crap for making clean foods.

I also haven't been able to work out much over the past 6 months because I've been trying to figure out why, two years later, my stomach still spasms and my diastis recti isn't healed. I've tried two physical therapists, who have each imparted a small bit of wisdom upon my situation (in two different directions, interestingly enough). But nothing has been cured. My DR has closed a lot, but is still there. My psoas muscle still spasms and my hip hurts (And as you may have read, I was diagnosed with hip dysplasia). Needless to say, if I want to treat my body right, there are limited exercises I can do and they counter each other out.
It's like "oh, do pilates, it's easy on your hip" .... but generally, it's really bad for a spasming psoas and diastis recti
"go swimming!" .... great but that also pulls your stomach muscles farther apart
"do these cross body moves that will help pull your muscles together" .... actually that hurts my hip
"go for a light jog" .... and end up with a fake hip in your 30's thanks to your already ticking time bomb of a misshapen right hip socket.
cross fit is out, boxing is out....etc....

CANT FREAKING WIN  I tell you....

So the other day it got to the point where I said screw it. We joined the gym (mega awesome gym, thanks to my husband's good discount via work) and I'm doing what I can. And I feel awesome about it.

But in the past 2 months I have gained 10 pounds. YAH and I'm not pregnant. Pretty horrible. I felt super bad about myself and no one deserves that.

I don't believe in supplements or magic cures. I don't even take birth control because my body should operate just as it was intended, thanks so much. I believe food should be as God intended it and we shouldn't screw around with chemical compounds to make food last longer at the cost of our gut's health.

I understand that without food scientists, most of the world would starve, and I certainly don't wish harm on anyone....but seriously?? The world is over populated if natural food and agriculture can't sustain us. Do I volunteer as tribute to die for one less person in the over populated world? Certainly not. Although, if God deemed it was my time, maybe I would go? Back to the paleo tale.

If I want to heal my gut, and fuel my body to be a healthy momma, and a happy wife....I must give myself the food that optimizes my time on earth. I even consulted a priest with if it was sinful to be 'picky' with food. And he said it was not! He said since vanity was not my reason, if I truly felt called to eat a certain way to maximize my vocation, then he agreed it was a smart choice.

HUZZAH!

So I found Whole 30 as a good introduction to the Paleo lifestyle. And I doubt after Whole 30 is over we maintain a 100% Paleo life. I mean, I imagine it to be an 80/20 balance unless being lacto-paleo counts, and in that case, I'm fine with being 100% lacto-paleo. Unless I go to Italy some day, because in that case, I'm eating pizza.

But back to Whole 30. If you aren't privy, it's a 30 day 'challenge' or 'detox' if you will to eat no grains, no legumes (even peanuts), no dairy, no sugar (not even honey), no artificial crap (obviously), no alcohol. The goal is to cut ties with emotional foods and eating. It's to retrain your body into looking at food as yummy and healthy and only that. Protein, fat, and vitamins/minerals are what your body needs. Certain veggies contain enough carbs to keep you going. Whole 30 and Paleo are not 'anti-carb' ways of life. They are anti grain because of how it affects the intestinal tract. It's really not a good fuel for your body. Fat is a much better option, as it leaves you satiated. Fat doesn't make you fat. Sugar does. Google it. It's gospel.

So I convinced, fairly easily, my sweet hubby to agree. My mom was all concerned about our kids...but just know I am not being nearly as strict with them. They are still having dairy and some grains. I'm really focusing on the sugar with them, and trying to boost their meat/veggie intake. But if you know my kids, you know they already eat healthy (veggies are not an issue, it's usually meat, sicne they always want ketchup with it. I curse they day I offered that), so this is not that hard. And I'm not pushing it on them. They haven't eaten anything different (though I tried to get G to eat avocado mixed with some chicken and grapes and boiled egg and she had a meltdown--J on the other hand had seconds). I've just cut the snacky unhealthy filler stuff and sweet treats.

I did SO much research about this Whole 30. I poured over the internet reading people's advice, stories, transformations, and meal plans. I determined it really was right for me, and I couldn't wait to get started. My husband was a bit reluctant, but hasn't said a negative word. I'm happy he's doing it with me, the family support makes a world of difference.

I read that people learn 'so much' about themselves during a Whole 30, but I really doubt that happens. I knew going in dairy would be the hardest for me, and alcohol for my husband...and it's day two, and guess what? We were right. I think that if you have clean eating principals in the forefront of your mind, a Whole 30 isn't hard. I mean, if you're going from eating Burger King weekly, to now uber Paleo, yes, that's hard. But I feel totally prepared for it, it just sucks when I'm cutting some cheese slices for my kids and know it's off plan to nibble on it. Maybe after day 30 I won't even want dairy anymore? Hopefully.

I really don't even miss grains or sweets. I guess I had enough of them in December, that I'm actually sick of them. They are yummy and convenient but I know I don't need them, so I'm like 'peace out!'

Over the next month I'll post some photos of our daily meals so you can see that we are thriving! It's all about what you should eat, not what you "can't" eat.

much love~

My abnormal hip.

The bad news is, I can never run again. So I mean.... I'm devastated, because I love running. But I'm thankful because I can still walk. I can still ride bikes, and I can still exercise within a moderate level. I'm by no means handicapped. Running is just too high impact for my hip.

diagnosed as congenital hip deformity. the ball-and-socket joint doesn't go out far enough to support my normal sized femur

Because, dun..dun...dun... my hip is not normal. It apparently didn't fully form when I was a baby/child and thus my joint doesn't have enough support and cartilage for cushioning high impact. I will likely end up with a hip replacement, and running would hasten that. So I guess I should say.... I can still run, but only if I want a new fake hip in my 30s.
I'll go with finding a new workout. I just hate it because running was my jam. It's so amazing for my mood and it's so easy! Just lace up your shoes and go.... now I have to put more thought into it. Ugh. Just UGH. I was also totally looking forward to running with my kids some day. My pity party could go on. But let's not.
As for where to go from here....supposedly more physical therapy to strengthen my hip, and massage techniques to easy some pain I'm having.
In other good news, my abs are almost closed (2 years later! and 6 months after starting PT). This has been a frigging journey and I'm so over. They are about 1 finger width apart, which is much better than the 3 they were in June.
Praise God I've never taken my body for granted and have lived the running life I've wanted over the past 12 years. I guess I'll be one of those one and done marathoners. At least I'm happy with my time too. No regrets about anything.

I'm in the mood for more positive vibes, so I'm going to go write J's 2 year post!

Two years!

It's been two years since we moved to Kansas.... I can't really say that time flies, because we've done so much in those two years that it seems like we've been here forever.
The time we spent in California seems so long ago, an entire kid ago, if you will!

Since we've been in this house we've upgraded it in small ways; mostly the exterior color (hooray for gray!) and some inside fixing-up and paint. It feels enough like a home, but it's not our forever home. So we've got that itching to move lately. We really want a bit of land with a kind of homestead...but it's out of our financial reach in the area we live, so we have talked about moving and can't reach anything conclusive. Don't worry, I'll keep you posted.

It's so strange to have been here this long. We haven't lived anywhere this long in the 6 years we've been married. No wonder my husband says he feels 'claustrophobic.' I wouldn't describe my feeling like that, but it's something for sure. I want to live in this area forever, but not knowing if we will or not causes me some stress.

I love the friends I've made here, and the family that isn't too far away, and my BFF that's less than 45 minutes away....and the kids are settled in with our favorite places and people and routines.

So I guess what I'm getting at is that we are at a tipping point. I told my husband the other day, we either agree to stay in this area for the foreseeable future, or we start planning to move and actually do it. Because I don't want to get any deeper than I already am, or it will hurt too bad when we leave. And I think we agreed that no area is better than the metro, so we'll just have to move outside the expensive land area if we want to get our 'homestead.' Good thing I'm planning to homeschool for a while because those school districts that we can afford aren't really great.




and while I have you, just a quick family update.

no races in our future, which is taking a toll on the waist lines LOL (but not too bad, thanks to still mostly clean eating)
I've been making all kinds of fun recipes, and I really should be better at blogging them... speaking of, I've been thinking of buying a new domain and letting this one revert...something to the affect of life with momma, or something like that... I thought maybe in the kitchen with momma, IDK
J is fully potty trained and it's awesome. He is such a big boy now, except for his lack of talking. We're working on that with speech therapy though. He is amazing at pretend play, and the therapist said she often forgets he's not 2.5 because of how advanced in all other areas he is. I think he's an albert eistein type for sure.
G is a real blessing (except for when her head is spinning around, KWIM?). She's so sweet, loving, and compassionate. She loves red still, and daniel tiger. She also is currently fascinated with learning the planets.(I think last time I really wrote, she was into the moon) Science FTW!
They both love helping me do just about anything, and doing projects keeps us busy.
Being outside was so awesome this fall and winter...hence why I didn't really blog! We were living the life man!
Fishing and park picnicking were our favorite past times--plus visiting family and taking our two trips.
And.... I'm still in physical therapy for my diastsis recti, and it's super sucky. Basically I need to have surgery but that sounds about like the worst thing ever to me.

Happy Fall Y'all!

Stuff on my mind.....potty, food, and Babies.

Hi, me again!
I'm so stressed on from potty training already and it's only day three. I don't regret starting, I just wish I was stronger. I did pretty well keeping my cool the first two days, but today (With my hubby back at work, and he is clearly my rock) I just lost it. I screamed so loud at J, I just feel terrible. UGh. Pick up the pieces and move forward....
He has to figure it out for himself and I have to be there to guide him...but when he pees two feet from the potty and then runs through it, slips and falls on the wood floor I feel sooooooooo angry... Not with my 20 month old kid....just with the fact of the matter.
As in.... why can't I do this for him? Please nature, just let me take the lead on this one.
If not that, Why can't he learn instantly? If he knows how to hold it, why can't he figure out how to let it go when he's on the potty and not next to it. Why did we have to do the most ridiculous things until nearly 11 pm last night just to get the kid to poop......he was holding it and I just wish I could explain to him how to relax and let it go..... UGH. control. he needs it, I wish I had it, it just sucks.
I have prayed so hard for patience and understanding. I have prayed for God to please just give me a break on this one...but I'm pretty sure God laughs and says, "listen lady, I've given you a break on nearly every other aspect of your life, you have it SO GOOD, this is your cross, bare it with grace."
OK! Thanks God. Easier said than done and you know it! There is a reason for everything. And I am a sinner. I was doing good, but now I'm human and I screamed at my baby. I feel horrible. Sometimes, though, a momma lion roars at her cubs, and ya know what? It's necessary.... but I guess they pee and poop where ever they damn well please. Thanks for nothing domestication.
For all of you out there saying, "oh just wait....he's not ready" .... go back and ready my potty training stuff with G. Same story. My kids are so similar. Thus, we carry on. I made the mistake of trying "kind of" with G and then it took 3 months for her to figure it out when we finally did go through with official potty training, so I'm not making that rookie mistake here. We set a date, knew he was ready enough, and are going through with it, my frustration and patience be damned. And if it takes 3 months anyway, well then I'll have a potty trained 23 month old and be diaper free for the first time in almost 4 years.... I'll take it. This is my blog and I'm ranting about it for a second, sorry.

Onto other things. I wanted to share a few links about food I found interesting. These are things we already do in our house, but maybe you don't know them so check them out. Eat clean is the bomb.
soy is bad for you. 
don't give your kid soy formula for the love of all things holy.
politically correct food myths
 nutrition food myths
I like this cat, I need to do more of these.

thanks to my husband's aunt who posted this article that led me to the website that the stuff above comes from.

And for my final thought, I have been in baby fever mode for a few months now. And I know two moms with kids with CDPX1 are expecting babies! And both of them are having healthy girls. How blessed and wonderful for them!! On one hand, it kind of makes me not want to press my luck since our girl came first, but then it also kind of makes me want to believe a healthy next kid would happen!

My husband and I are just a big ball of nerves and uncertainty when it comes to 'do we or don't we?' because what happens if we get a blood test done and it comes back positive for CDPX1 (or anything thing else for that matter because Lord knows there's a million things that could go 'wrong' when a baby is created).........we'd feel so terrible for choosing to conceive knowing the bad that could come from it.
But then it makes it seem like we are playing God by being too scared of the potentially bad outcome rather than trusting God to make good of whatever happens.
Ugh. It sucks sometimes, being an intelligent being with life experience.
I mean, look at the animals in nature....just reproducing without a fear in the world because it's all they know.... and if it goes wrong.....well.....that's the circle of life.
And look at the newly married couples so excited to have a baby or promiscuous teens having unplanned babies or the older couples trying desperately to conceive using whatever means necessary...........they just want the baby but haven't been slapped with reality (And I pray they never are) that SO many things have to go "just right" for that baby to turn out "normal."
So many pregnancies end in miscarriage because the cells just didn't match up. The body just couldn't do it. Something went wrong. 
So many kids are, through no fault of anyone, born different from what society tells us is 'typical.' And then there are the young kids diagnosed with cancer or diabetes or a disease no one has heard of.... and no one saw it coming.
Taking on the role of parent is one I really think too many people take lightly because they don't WANT to think about it. It's easier to think of all the happy things, because the bad things may never happen...and I definitely think that's the better thing to do. Don't plan for bad until bad happens, generally speaking, because life is too short.
But then there's little ole me. With a crappy X chromosome. So I DO have to think about it. Because that's the responsible thing to do.
How do I grapple with this? I'm sure most people would say.... you have a boy and a girl, be happy, call it quits, move on with your life. And I think that's good advice, but man I feel a huge tug in my heart for another baby. So then adopt you say.... Are you going to give me the thousands of dollars it takes? Are you going to help me get my milk back? Plus, that's kind of like taking an even bigger risk, because God love them, many kids needing adopting often have a condition that may cost a lot of money to treat or may be life long. Does that mean they are any less deserving of love? Certainly not, I'm simply stating it's a decision to be weighed as heavily as the should we conceive our own kid or not.
I guess I also hate being pregnant too, and I hate what it did to my stomach (And am still dealing with all of that mess) so if I AM going to go through it again, I'd rather just not fix it now because it'd happen again... And since I am in physical therapy now trying to fix it, I am trying to decide if I should quit PT and plan to have another baby in the future (not right now or anything, next year or the year after) or if we are just done-done, and get on with the story.... because how long does adoption take anyway? Or maybe we are just full at a family of 4.... I just don't always feel that way.
....but man potty training is a good natural birth control (speaking of, NFP is going much better this time around, thank you very much. Props to my handy Kindara app).
love to you all.

I'm happy with me

So I have to tell you, the inspiration from this blog comes from many ideas that have been floating around my head.

I'm quite busy now, and this blog gets pushed to the back burner because most other things in my life take precedent. I am not trying to offend any uber blogger, I just can't take the time to sit down and type up grammatically perfected and creatively crafted blogs. But I currently have something on my mind I need to record outside of a facebook status.

If you've read this blog for a while or thoroughly then you know about my past with eating disorder, disordered eating, excessive exercise, unhappiness with body image, struggle to overcome all that, and then also the tough emotions that came with learning to be "just" a stay at home mom.

Thankfully, I kept plugging away at all the anxieties and insecurities. I suppose it's probably something most new moms go through--the uncertainty of finding your way as a new mom. And it's definitely common for many of those moms to take to the blogosphere to find support and information. I was totally one of those moms. In the moment, I thought I was confident and comfortable, but definitely looking back I was not nearly the mom or woman that I am now. Which is a mature thing to be able to say... No one could have done anything about my anxieties or issues, it's something I think nearly every woman has to work through on her own and at her own pace... so if what I write here can help one person tweak her thinking a tiny bit, then it's worth it. Someone at sometime said something that pushed me down the right path.

Ok enough sentimental jibberish.

Recently online there was an article about how J. Crew released XXXS sizing for women, and most commenters were disgusted by it. They "discussed" what it means for the body image of girls growing up knowing such a thing exists as "extra extra extra small." Some people commented, though, that there are medical conditions that exist affecting people who need such small adult clothing and that people shouldn't call them anorexic or 'disgusting' because that's unfair. I can see both sides; but I think the population of women who legitimately are that small, without having an eating disorder, is a tiny percent of Americans. The percent of girls who will hear of a size XXXS and try to achieve that size unhealthily has got to be much larger. But I'm not trying to marginalize those women with a condition, I just think it's a similar situation as little people who need their clothes altered or buy specifically from clothing companies who offer entire lines of clothes for their sizes.

Numbers on a scale and sizes on pants are not at all an indicator of health. They are simply a way to measure a person. Unfortunately many, many people have a desire to reach the lowest weight or lowest size. I think the biggest measure of health is happiness, because life is such a fickle thing that you could be a size 2 and get hit by a car tomorrow...or you could be a man size 48 and live to be 70. If you are happy with yourself and your quality of life is average or greater; who cares what size you are? Quality of life can be defined as that life is easier if you an averaged size person because transportation seats (bus, train, plane, car) are not made with obese people in mind. Life is easier if you aren't having to give yourself insulin shots, or life is easier if you aren't in and out of hospitals for anemia or dehydration etc.... I think everyone reading this can agree that being 'normal' is nice. And not having to work hard to be 'normal' is even nicer. But 'normal' is varied by person. So with that said...here is my humble attempt at how to get you to achieve your best self.

recent dinner of BLT-E salad

Clean up your eating. Just DO IT. Quit buying crap, because then you won't eat crap. At first I was a little worried that eating clean would lead me more to disordered eating because of cutting out entire groups of food. But the truth is, eating clean doesn't cut out any types of food, it just means you have to make them yourself or buy the more expensive versions with less crap in them. Mac and cheese isn't cut out, peanut butter isn't cut out, bread isn't cut out, dessert isn't cut out.... it's just a different version. So this actually doesn't lead to disordered eating because you can eat anything you want! :-) Yeah it takes some work, but it really comes down to commitment and determination. Don't quit. If you have to use those "shake" diets to get you started (think Herbalife, Shakeology), so be it, but it's my personal opinion those aren't the best things for you because it's not a whole-food product. It's processed and not the way humans were meant to eat... I mean... consuming your calories in liquid form? Not for me... but do whatever you have to do to get on the clean eating train but don't let them be a crutch for you for forever because A) expensive and B) I think you'd be happier figuring out a way to enjoy whole foods through chewing and a meal experience. It's more mentally satisfying. I know there are studies and claims saying they help you lose weight, and I'm sure that's true... but go for the lifestyle change that's long term and not a quick fix or unsustainable the second you quit the diet.

#gymselfie

Live an active life. Notice I didn't say 'exercise.' It's my opinion again that exercise is simply a means to an end. It helps release beta endorphins, but so does sex. It helps build and strengthen muscle, but so does chopping a load of wood. It helps burn calories but so does walking everywhere you go. See what I'm getting at? As long as you are active on a daily basis, you'll be happier, stronger, and fitter. I love working out, but it's not possible for me to do it every day anymore, especially when my husband travels. I just keep an active life by playing with my kids outside, walking to the park, cleaning the house, baking all of our meals from scratch. I USE my body to live my life and that's what matters. You should try it. Don't work so hard at your job that you don't leave time for yourself!

I know this is maybe a bunch of mumbo-jumbo to some of you... but I am just so happy that I've reached a place in my life where I care more about making my body work for ME and not me working for my body. If I have pudgy love handles so be it, I can do a lot of s*#t and I am proud of that. I am satisfied with the quality of food going into my body, so I am happy with my body. If I don't eat crap, and don't live like crap, I am happy with me! I literally could sing it from the roof tops. I have no desire to reach a size 0 or XXXS. If I naturally get there, fine (but we all know that's not my natural body size). I have no desire to reach 130 lbs, if I naturally get there (won't happen either) fine. I'm not going to restrict calories (or even count them), I'm not going to kill my body to reach a crazy ideal. I'm going to eat good food, be active, and be happy. Life's too short-- plus I'm a Christian and this life isn't the end!!

FL!

Reach out if you want moral support :-)

What's a brain?

My conversations with G before bed are always fun, but tonight was spectacular and worth remembering for sure. We talked about various things and then she asked what we were doing tomorrow (...which she always does. She likes to know what's coming up. She is a future planner and is very detailed oriented.) I told her the run down and then she asked if the next day was Tuesday. I said no, the next day is Monday. She said, "oh? What are we doing on Monday?"

I told her the main this is taking J to the ear doctor. Of course she asked why and so I said, "to make sure he is hearing well and that his ears don't hurt or anything." She asked, "why?" To which I said that his ears are a little different and we just have to check them sometimes. She asked if her ears were different and I said, not really, they're pretty regular. Then she mentioned how sometime lady bugs are different (last night I told her a story about a lady bug who was black with red spots instead of red with black spots)...to which I said, "yes that's right sometimes they are!"

Then she asked who J's ear doctor is... And I told her his name. She then said, "oh one time we took J to the nosey doctor and that's dr XXXX too!" I was so floored at this point because it's been months since we went to the ENT and she remembered his name that she heard like once! So then I said, "yup! It's the same doctor for his nosey and his ears. You're so smart! You have a big brain, huh!?"

Then she asked what a brain is..... Yeah, been waiting for that one! Haha

So I told her that brains are like computers for people. That they tell us what to do...whenever we have thoughts that's our brain and they are inside our head (I pointed to show her). I also gave examples of things brains do, like tell our body to move in certain ways, or have thoughts about our friends... I mean it's tough to explain to a 3 year old but I did my best.

She seemed appeased with the answer and then asked if I had a brain, if J had a brain, if daddy has a brain...and I said yes to all of them.... THEN she asked if daniel tiger has a brain (lol!!). I said, "sure! But only the daniel tiger on the tv show, not your daniel here (in her bed), he's just squishy so he doesn't have a brain" then she said, "just a squishy brain!!" And burst into giggles.

Oh man, I love this girl so much!!!! Our nightly conversations are the best <3

Just wanted to record for posterity and maybe someone else might find it amusing! 

Our First Marathon!

We recently ran the Garmin Marathon in the Land of Oz -- yes, we ran 26.2 miles!! Okay, we probably walked about half a mile of that, but still, that's a small percentage!

I have always said, and still maintain, that running that many miles is absolutely crazy. After we finished our half marathon last fall, we basically looked at each other and said, "We can totally do a full!"
So we signed up for one.
Then the training was pretty terrible. Training for your first marathon over the winter is challenging because you end up running long distances on a treadmill or outside in the freezing weather and then something ends up pulled, torn, etc...There were also illnesses to contend with, and not to mention our two kiddos. So needless to say we did not stick to our training plan very well. We did manage to get one 20 mile run in, and it didn't go too terrible.
Despite both having tweeked ankles and my husband falling down the stairs two days before our race, we went ahead with the run and beat our goal pace by 3 minutes!! (Originally I had wanted to run the race under 4:30, but from about week 4 on we knew that wasn't going to happen. We changed our goal to 5 hours. Then when we picked up our packets, we saw there was a 4:50 pacer, so that became our goal)

Here's a run down of how the race went for me (My husband said he hurt basically the whole time and in my opinion is seemed the worst part was the beginning for him - just speaking from how it came off);

Mile 1; Excitement, but then I saw a sweet girl with a "go mommy!" sign that made me think of how proud she must be of her mom and how hard that mom must of worked, and then it made me think of how hard I've worked and how I'm trying to be a good example for my kids.... which made me actually a bit emotional inside and I couldn't believe I felt a tear in my eye!

Mile 2; settling in, going smoothly, that last mile was SLOW! But we wanted to start slow because it sets up a better last half if you don't go out to fast. Hubby needed to stop and stretch, his ankle was hurting.

Mile 3; rain drops sprinkling down, sky looks very bad....greaaaattttttt
When we split from the half marathon there was a guy directing runners and he said, "to the right, hurts a little, to the left, hurts a lot" I LOL'd and said, "true true!"

Mile 4; a bit of a break in rain, my husband needed a porta potty stop, lost our pacer

Mile 5; picked up speed to catch our pacer, rain was pouring at this point. I was pretty mad about it

Mile 6; sprinkles, hills, puddles, grumpy at the weather but chugging along physically

Mile 7; TORRENTIAL DOWN POUR, thunder, lightening....yeah this is DUMB and INSANE but by God we're doing it

Mile 8; GU stop! I grabbed a chocolate flavor and cared only minutely that GU isn't clean...it was SPECTACULAR. The consistency is perfect and it tasted awesome. Definitely needed that pick me up during the miserable storm

Mile 9; decided that at least the storm is propelling us on, because who wants to WALK in the rain?? Get done sooner, get out of the rain sooner, just keep running! But we did heed the warnings to not let the rain make us run "too" fast, so we kept our pace right between the pacers.

Mile 10; Just as I asked my husband if he thought we had another hour or so in the rain...the sky cleared a tiny bit and the rain stopped! It was a miracle, haha. The wind was still around and so trees were still spitting water and the ground was disgusting, but my posture improved so much since now I was able to run standing up.

Mile 11; we are doing this! We were in a groove at this point. Walked up a short steep hill and didn't feel bad at all

Mile 12; we made it through the part of the course I was most worried about--the first 12 with the most hills and the rain had stopped, I was happy for sure! My husband was hurting pretty bad though. Walked through an aid station, stretched.

Mile 13; Feeling pretty cheery through the first half. Our time was right around 2:25 which was almost 20 minutes slower than our half marathon race time, but again, that was the plan, slow and steady to finish.

Mile 14; Neither of us are feeling to great. Since the rain had stopped, we had nothing to distract us from our hurting bodies.

Mile 15; walked some on the bridge, my smart husband brought a sample pack of biofreeze to rub on his ankle and he let me have some for my super aching knees -- I was SO surprised at the difference it made. Instantaneously my knees were rejuvenated. This was totally what we needed.

Mile 16; at the park and split for the trail.

Miles 17-19; Sticking pretty close with our pacer, watching those who had already made the turn run past us was a great distraction. We chatted some through the next few miles. Walked up a few steep inclines...stopped and stretched once

Miles 20-21; heading back to and through the park, stopped to stretch a bit, not feeling awesome, belly hurting but at 21.5 we saw the kids and my sister and soon to be brother in law! it was so great to see them!! I gave G a huge hug and sweet J got a kiss. They waved and it was perfect timing.

Miles 22-23; this was my "wall" but thankfully my husband was there to help me get through it. I didn't stop...obviously, and even at one point my hubby asked if I wanted to walk and I barked out a "no!" because I knew I wouldn't start back again

hurting!!

Mile 24; when we hit this point, I knew we'd finish and I had worked through the mental exhaustion of the previous few miles. My husband even said he was "excited" at this point, which propelled me even more because he's not an excitable person! We walked through the last aid station ready to smash the finish.

Mile 25; holy s$%* we are DOING THIS! We were passing people left and right at this point. This was our fastest mile. I think that speaks volumes to our training and our racing mentality. You can't start out too crazy, there has to be something left in the tank to finish strong...and we did that. I looked at a lot of the times on the results and we were some of the only people who had slower pace times at 13.1 and 18.5 miles than we did over all...because our back 8 was faster than our first 18 miles.... pretty proud of our finish

booking it buddy!

Mile 26; this course has an incline to get to the finish, and I knew that because I had run the route, and I had prepared us for that....we rocked it (painfully, but still).  My husband was a bit behind me, I slowed a tiny bit for him to catch me because I wanted to finish together

Mile 26.2; We both ran to the finish, what felt like a sprint was probably not, but we were going faster than the whole race and people were cheering...and the MC was shouting out encouraging things and said how impressed he was with our neck and neck finish. My husband ended up edging me out by 6 thousandths of a second! I'm totally proud of him, but he was apologizing because he "beat me." I don't see it like that though :-)

just finished...ya it was rough but so proud!

So there you have it! When I sit here and think about it, I can't believe we really did it!

times;

forgot to stop my watch until about a minute after we finished

Personalities - INFJ or ENFJ

I know I'm in desperate need of a kid-family life blog update, but I had to just get out my observations on a personality crisis I've been having. And I think the fact that I look at it as a personality crisis proves that much more that I am an INFJ.

Lately my humanmetrics myers-briggs/jung personality test has been labeling me as an ENFJ (though my E-extroverted is only 1% preference). The 16personalities test also labels me as an ENFJ... For 6 years I've thought I was an INFJ....so it was a tad bit concerning to me that I was now this new personality....

So I investigated probably more than I had time to do...to find out the subtle differences between INFJs and ENFJ... I feel like both descriptions fit me pretty well but I felt it necessary to pin myself down as one (I think this is a classic INFJ desire, Jung himself was an INFJ). I do enjoy socializing, but it is written that INFJs are the most extroverted of the I's and ENFJs are the most introverted of the E's....they are apparently very hard to tell apart.

The website I found most helpful in determining what I really am was on personalityjunkie.com and was a post called INFJ vs INFP, ENFJ, ISFJ

Basically it says that INFJs main objective is to understand the world and the ENFJs main objective is to change or influence the world. While I would like to do both, let's be honest... I am not a mover or shaker, I dream about being one...but mostly I just want to make sense of it all. ENFJ's have a hard time saying no....and I definitely don't mind saying no.

Anyways, like I said I've spent way too much time researching this, so hopefully soon I'll have time to sit down and post kid pictures and life updates!

The protector vs the giver
if you have a chance to read those and know me personally, which fits me better in your opinion? I'd bet it's the protector ;-)