12 days postpartum thoughts & stats

There's just no nice way to put it... I'd rather have 10 vaginal births in 10 years than 1 c section ever.

This major surgery has knocked me on my butt and then some. I suppose some people have "easy" surgeries and recoveries. I, on the other hand, endured natural labor, intense attempts at positioning JT after my water broke (I can best describe this as a doctor and midwife doing chest-compression-like maneuvers on my stomach), and then general anesthetic emergency c section where the doctor actually had to turn JT breech to "pull" him out because his shoulder was so malpositioned into the birth canal. You can imagine the havoc wreaked on my midsection muscles and organs.

Recovery has been tough. I'm not a fan of medicine, so that's been hard to handle (physically, my belly doesn't like the extreme amount of foreign things its being forced to digest). I can't play with my bitsy girl, can barely sleep (oh how I'd love to lay on my side), and nursing isn't very comfortable (but thank God JT is a good nurser).

There have been moments where I'm pretty sure I should have just died on the operating table. There have been days when I couldn't imagine going forward, because it seemed like the pain and fear would endure forever.

I don't think it's supposed to feel this bad. I thought it'd be hard, but I don't know why mine has been particularly harder than peers I've heard from.

Sitting in my mid wife's office, with tears streaming down my face, I said to my husband, "I feel like I'm staring up this giant mountain and I don't think I can get up it." He, as those of you who know his endless love for me might expect, said... "you don't have to get up it, I'll carry you."

I love him so much. He has literally seen it all and taken on so much through this whole ordeal. I could never repay him and only pray God rewards his compassion in heaven.

So, the good news is I'm finally starting to feel better today. We came up with a better pain management plan and the referred pain I had been feeling in my shoulder is subsiding (it was some of the worst). I'm able to breathe a little deeper and do more things. My pain has always been in my lower right quadrant and is down from a 8ish to a 2-3ish with constant pain medication.

It's been just the four of us for 24 hours now and we are chugging along just fine. JT has been having a tough time breathing at night for the past two nights...so my husband and I are both exhausted. G has been behaving probably a little better than the average 22 month old who's world just got turned upside down--but still very clingy and crabby for her normal behavior. She's thrown more fits and acted out more. But she's also been very sweet and helpful. We take the bad with the good.

At his two week check up (only 11 days old though), baby J was 9 pounds 1.5 ounces, 20.75" long and his head has stayed steady at 15". His stats land him in the 70s% but his head is still 98%. He's doing great, aside from his small nose and breathing troubles. I've 'lost' 26 pounds since 12/16. Not trying or caring, just reporting the stats.

Specialist appointments come in January and we won't have an official diagnosis until then.

Thanks for all the prayers and support.

Love to all & merry Christmas a few days late

Baby JT is here

Our son arrived yesterday evening, 12/16/12 at 9:48 pm. He was born at 8 pounds 15.7 ounces, 19.25" long with a head circumference of 15".

Clearly I am alive, so that fear was abated.

However, the large amount of fluid I had written about caused some trouble.

I will write the full birth story later, but I labored naturally with no medicine the entire time...then the water breaking experience was done as best as possible. Our midwife was so amazing and did everything right, but baby JT just wasn't going to come vaginally. He ended up presenting shoulder first and even through they wreaked havoc on my unmedicated belly (painful) trying to turn him... His heart rate dropped and he needed to come out. It was a scary situation, and very painful being prepped for a c section with no pain block. I had to go all the way under and hadn't had an epidural, so I felt everything up to the cutting. Details I will spare you. I was so scared I was going to lose him or die myself. When I woke up back in our room, and saw my husband skin to skin with JT, I wanted to be happy but my pain was too unbearable. It got under control a bit and I was able to nurse him right away (about 30 minutes after he was born).

He's got a smushed in nose situation, as we knew he would, but scored 8-9-9 Apgar and the nicu team didn't have to do anything! He is perfectly healthy beside his nose situation so we will see a children's mercy specialist about that.

I, on the other hand, have been having quite the rough time trying to recover. It's been 30 hours since I ate anything and my pain is just now starting to cooperate. I recently stood and walked for the first time (about 10 steps), so I'm really proud of that.

It's not like it was after G, but I'm alive and so is he.

Rejoice! Gaudette!

Life lately in photos

So here's #1 lately :)
We've been having a lot of fun!
Playing outside, looking cute, and going to the free zoo (aka the pet store)

Let's play catch up

First, yes, I am still alive. Second, no, you probably won't ever get a final moving journal...instead I'll just do a bit of catching up in this blog--encompassing all things.

We moved into our new house, a little over a week after closing (due to work and belongings' travel). Things went wrong immediately. My poor husband made it back on Sunday, but locked his keys in the car, with his things in the car too. It was quite the disaster. He didn't call anyone to get them out, and since I was 6 hours away...he just waited it out. He also had to stay in a hotel that evening because our water heater was broken, despite it being functioning at the inspection. To make a long story short, he had a horrible day, and I wasn't around to help or take on some of the stress burden.

G and I had a miserable first part of the drive (it's 6 hours) up to our new house from my parents, but after a nice Panera lunch and smoothie, she slept a decent part of the rest of the way. We arrived to a still stressed-out hubby/daddy and tried to help as best we could. Everyone was pooped and ready to be settled in. The house problems inhibited us from relaxing at all.

The main issues are/were plumbing related, but are on the mends now. Our home warranty has paid for the new water heater and we did get some of our inspection cost refunded since we were fairly dissatisfied with how that all went down. So, to make a long story short, the house is becoming a home, but at a cost.

I think my husband still has a good deal of anxiety about all the things that need fixing (mostly little things, like closet doors, mismatching things, and squeaking), but I've kind of let it fall on the bottom of my worry list--because we are super close to the baby coming. I think the thing that annoys me most about the house is the amount of dust that is just circulating. I had the house professionally cleaned, and I am a super-clean-freak...but the air ducts must just be horrible or something because it is so dusty in this house (as in, I dust and then later that night there's evidence of dust back on the items).

Almost all of the walls are the color I want them, and almost everything is hung. They baby's room is ready to go and my mom and sister got me a glider--so excited for that! I've settled into the kitchen, and nearly everything has a place throughout the house.

I got my husband an awesome anniversary/birthday/Christmas present, in the form of a family room set up in the basement, complete with big TV and loveseat/couch combo. We added the yard sale coffee/end tables that we sanded and refinished...it looks so great down there now! I was so excited to surprise him with it, and though he was a bit "mad" that I spent money without talking to him about it...he deserved it! He got a moving bonus, and money for driving cross country...so while we could have used those bonuses to pay off more student loans... One has to live a little bit, because you never know when your time is up. Plus it makes it so much easier to relax at night, rather than the main level living room that echos right into G's room (thus, tv and conversation have to be quieter than down in the basement).

I've posted a good amount about my stress with the pregnancy, so if you haven't caught those posts...be sure to check those out for the baby's updates. I hope he comes soon. I'm so uncomfortable! Tonight I take a new mom from church a meal, and that was my last responsibility before the due date...so therefore, I'm pretty sure my water will break right as I'm pulling out of her drive way :-) They always say, right when you get the last thing checked off your to-do list, the baby will come.... I certainly hope so! (ps. we will get 5-6 meals of our own in January--love our church's mom's group!)

Speaking of the new church--it's very nice. A lot of young families go there, and I've already gotten in with a play group. All the moms are wonderful and the kiddos are so fun for G to interact with. She's pretty much the youngest, but it's good for her to see the older kids and learn from them. She loves friends and knows what going to see friends means :-)

She is also very intune with the new baby. She has seem him on the ultrasound monitor several times now and totally makes the connection that that is who is in my belly. She gives him kisses and hugs and love pats. She knows where his room and bed and car seat are. She promises she will be a good big sister and help momma with the new baby--so we'll see how that all plays out. I have a plan to make sure she gets alone time with us too, and to also include her in as many of the baby's routines as possible. That's really the only time she gets crabby...is if she can't help with something. She loves to help and be involved, so that's always fun when I am doing chores or cooking :-)

She's also great at playing music (for a nearly 2 year old, she's got serious rhythm) and dancing, coloring, and building. She loves "doing tools" and following Daddy around when he's doing "his" house-work-things.

Her words have increased exponentially since the last time I wrote about her. I don't think I could list them all, but it's much easier to communicate these days. I, obviously, understand her better than anyone because I'm with her all the time, but she's getting better.

Another one of my favorite things is getting snuggles and hugs from her. She's a real sweet heart. Just this morning she was snuggling up to my shoulder and I was just overwhelmed with this amazing mom-love. It's great to be her mom, and I can't wait to share that love with her baby brother as soon as he's ready.

Some of G's favorite things lately (21 months) are; 

playing Nativity Scene with the little people set that my friend Rachel got her
eating Teddy Grahams and drinking juice boxes....try to limit those!
watching Caillou ... which is what her next birthday will be, she LOVES him
going for walks, playing with the soccer ball, and playing chase :-)
playing "get you/me" aka tickle monster
setting the table (forks/spoons only at this point)
turning on the Christmas lights and tree
helping put away groceries
reading Little Bear's Little Boat
singing nursery rhymes
making "number" soup
anything "kah-chat" (chocolate)
doing anything that makes her look like a big girl ... she's like a 8 year old trapped in a tiny body


In other news, our marriage is doing great and we celebrated our 4 year anniversary on Thanksgiving. My husband is seriously so amazing and I thank God for him constantly. He is so helpful, patient, caring, and compassionate. He doesn't complain, isn't greedy or selfish, and is such a good dad.

I hit the jackpot there.

Don't worry, I try my hardest to reciprocate.

My birthday was last weekend and he surprised me with pearl earrings, and also went all out on a fancy homemade dinner and semi-homemade (re:box) cake. Surprised was italicized because he can rarely pull that off.

My sister has been spending a good amount of time here, which has been really nice--especially seeing her and G interact. They've got a great relationship already :-)

Christmas is planned to be at our house this year, due to the baby's impending arrival, and I can't wait to play hostess...though depending on his age at the time, I may be more of a delegating host than a true hostess.

Love to all.

Pregnancy #2 at 38 weeks

I feel SO over being pregnant. If you are facebook friends with me...I'm sure you are tired of hearing just how over it I am.

Yes, I am still anti-induction and still plan to have the baby whenever he wants to come out....but more so than with my first pregnancy, I am beyond done.

Baby boy has {currently} 33 of some unit of amniotic fluid. The normal range is 8-25, with 21-25 being on the high/tad bit concerning side. His number two weeks ago was 26, and one week ago was 24.5. I asked my midwife how "off" these numbers can be, since 26 to 33 over 2 weeks is such a huge jump. She said, in general the lower numbers might have been off, based on his position, but if the ultrasound tech is seeing 33 now...that's "fairly" reliable. (the more likely scenario is that he's created more fluid over time) One-er-full. {sarcastically spoken, wonderful}

He is also on the super chunk side...and if I haven't had him by next Tuesday, I'll have a better "estimate" of his weight for you--as we are scheduled for a bio physical profile (aka BPP) on 12/18. Increased fluid does make for some really neat sonograph photos, though, if there is a "bright" side.

I am so heavy and ginormous in the front. Last week my sister (among others), said that you can't really tell I'm pregnant from the back, but the side and front are like VAVAVOOM. I'd say that's an accurate statement. I've gained 50 pounds (+counting?) with this pregnancy!! I gained about 45 with G, and I was much more puffy/over all bigger with her.

I do not sleep well at all...not that I did with G's pregnancy either, but lack of sleep has taken on a new meaning. With G, it was more insomnia; whereas now I am straight up exhausted and tired, but too ginormous to get comfortable in any position. I've possibly cried about it at night. Part of the time I try to sit on the birth ball (re: big exercise ball), leaning over the bed, with my head on some pillows. It's the most comfortable position I can figure out, but I'm too scared I'll fall over/off the ball, that I get light sleep at best. I'd say I get about 4 hours of sleep, broken up into small fragments. Having a newborn will mean more sleep for me, not less. So there's another bright side.

I've been having regular contractions for a week. So that's fun. I wasn't dilated any last Tuesday, but didn't have my midwife check today because even if there was progress, it doesn't mean much. With G, the hardest part of my labor was getting to a 2 or 3, and after that I focused internally and survived through an extremely hard posterior labor. Therefore, I really doubt I am dilated any now...despite the week of discomfort, cramping, and contractions.

notice his smushy nose and uber chin rolls!

My best guess is that until my water breaks (and there will be a huge amount), labor won't move forward that much, or be too painful. But after that glorious event, I imagine labor will be hellacious for about 2 hours, then he'll be here. One can hope.

I pray he stays healthy through everything, and that I survive too. Death is a lot bigger fear than it was last time. I know that's not very positive, and I try to push it out of my head, but I am truly concerned that something bad will happen. Down Syndrome is honestly looking pretty good among my other fears.

I hope today is his birthday so that I can find some peace, comfort, and kiss his super chubby cheeks.

Love to all.

Green Giant Seasoned Steamers Review & Giveaway

 

 With all the hustle and bustle of our move to Kansas over the past two months, I nearly forgot about the exciting opportunity My Blog Spark gave me. Green Giant recently released a new product in the frozen veggie aisle-- Seasoned Steamers. These are one of the first non-sauced, but still seasoned & flavorful, packages of frozen vegetables that can be steamed right in the bag.

Faithful approach

With all of my anxieties and with my impending labor and baby boy's birth, this is what I told my husband last night;

Even if we had an elective C-Section... If God wants this baby back in heaven {or to have special needs}, He'll find a way to make that happen regardless of our meddling.
Hard to swallow, but true and faithful.

The intersection of Faith and Science....part II

Part I

You may recall our worries of genetic abnormalities with our son after our 20 week sonogram. I also wrote about taking a fairly new blood test that checks maternal blood for fetal DNA & claims a 99% accuracy rate for detection of chromosomes 13,18, and 21 trisomies. Our Harmony test results came back 1/10,000 risk for down syndrome and even lower for the other two trisomies.

Did we feel a weight lifted? Sure...but not enough to completely rest easy. I wrote a bit more about my anxieties in a non-promoted post (though not private), feel free to read it, here.

Moving forward, I let some tensions go, but some remained muddled in the back of my mind. My mother so kindly passed on the worry gene to me. I really try not to, as my favorite bible quote contains: "Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil." (Matthew 6)

The worrying just creeps up on me, and when it's validated, I can't help but let it run away from me some.

still a tiny or absent nasal bone, but a cute little button nose

We had a sonogram scheduled for today to check on baby boy's growth, position, and our hope was to also see how his nose bone had progressed. I was not apprehensive at all, and in fact had been internally counting down the days and hours until we got to see our precious baby. I woke up for the second time last night, to use the rest room, of course, around 5:30 am and thought to myself--only 5 more hours until I get to see him!! I had no doubt things would look good, and just wanted to see how chubby his cheeks were. The answer to that is VERY!!!

His measurements were great--just really large. He's on average in the 88% for fetal growth, and his head is >98%. I sure hope he's a smart cookie.

After the sonogram we had to wait to see my midwife for more results and to have my group B step test done (lame-o).

Upon meeting with the midwife we learned that the amniotic fluid is higher than it should be. Of course we know that having too much is a better problem than not having enough...but it's still not typical.

Nothing with this pregnancy has ever appeared to be typical. It really takes a toll on my mental strength and emotional durability. (not to mention the other joyous news in our life right now that relates to our new house and expected costs to fix some major issues)....

I haven't questioned God at all, but I've certainly questioned why me, why our baby, why now.... what human wouldn't?

So perhaps you're asking; "Too much amniotic fluid? So what?"

Good question.

In general, about half of the pregnancies with too much amniotic fluid really don't have a medical reason. 

That baby simply just made more than normal fetuses.

In the other half of pregnancies, the reasons are:

• gestational diabetes, which I tested negative for about 10 weeks ago -- though it can develop later on, so perhaps that's an explanation (Especially since there was high sugar in my urine at the doctor today)
• genetic abnormalities.....there it is again :-(
• fetal infection
• birth defect, like a problem with the baby's swallowing
• problems with the baby's heart (which we haven't seen on any ultrasounds)
• blood mismatches & twin to twin transfusion syndrome (both shouldn't be possibilities for this pregnancy)

Potential complications from too much amniotic fluid:

The only one my midwife discussed with me today was the possibility for the baby's umbilical cord to prolapse (that means it could come out before him, and cut off blood flow to him...which ultimately leads to brain problems or death). She said it's not very likely to happen, especially since he is in a head down position, but if it does occur I should put my head on the floor and booty in the air to attempt to take pressure off of the cord. Oh, and I'm supposed to call 911, because I'll need an emergency C-Section.

I also did my own research, of course, and found that other complications are;

• premature birth
• premature water breaking
• still birth
• placental abruption
• postpartum hemorrhage

So, I mean....those are just awesome outcomes and problems.

On the other hand, it's unlikely anything is wrong and it's unlikely that anything bad will happen.

But there's still a bigger chance than typical pregnancies have. Ironically, some pregnancies appear typical and they have non-typical outcomes. So there's always that reassuring fact, except it's really not reassuring.

Apparently 1% of pregnancies are diagnosed as having too much amniotic fluid, .8% of births are still births, and wikipedia states that .14%-.62% of births have a prolapse cord and 11-17% of those babies died.

Barer of bright news, today, eh?

How does this relate to faith?

I've got to find a way to spin all of the crap from this pregnancy into a positive vibe. Why? Because that's just me, and it's better for the baby. Perhaps you are agnostic or even an atheist. I am not. I am an intelligent woman, who believes in science and God. And I believe he has given us all of this information through this pregnancy so that we can stand strong in our faith. Am I sad about the lack of 'normal' news we've gotten this pregnancy...sure, but it certainly doesn't make me trust God any less.

I believe he has a purpose for my life, my son's life, and my family's life. Whatever will be, will be, and it's my job to accept that. I am only human, though, and I really, really, don't want to lose my son or see his health suffer in any way.

It is my prayer that this labor and delivery goes quickly and smoothly, and that my son is born healthy and happy.
If that doesn't happen, God help us handle it, for we are weak and he is strong.

St Gerard, St Gianna, St Joseph, pray for us. <3

Raising a Catholic Toddler

When G was born, her second outing was to mass (the first was to get more blood drawn to make sure her jaundice was going away naturally--it was, despite what doctors may tell you, keep breastfeeding through it if no other issues arise). She was baptized on April 2, at about 2.3 months old. I choked back tears as my baby girl was fully welcomed into the church. She's named after a fairly new saint who is a pro-life role model , and her middle name is after a long-time saint who lived a life of deep poverty in an effort to be more holy...I hope that her namesakes inspires her to be faithful in a secular world.

Raising our kids in the church will always be a priority, and modeling a good Catholic lifestyle is very important to us as parents. Kids aren't going to respect what you say, unless you back it up in practice. This is hard for humans, because we are sinful...but the goal is to keep trying, admit mistakes, and have open dialogue with your kids on your own journey of faith so that they can have a good role model at home for which to develop their faithful lives.

Anxiety for our Son

I know I am far behind, and haven't posted about our new house and the official move-in process....but I've been busy settling into that house and also trying to get involved in our new area.

I have a lot of anxiety right now, though, and have chosen to write about it, in hopes that it relieves some of my fears.

I know that I believe in God, and I know that he has a plan for my life...and the life of our new baby. I constantly struggle with letting go of control and accepting whatever will be, will be.

I just can't shake a feeling that something is off with our baby. I truly hope I am just making this feeling up, and that it is for nothing.

I just keep seeing children with disabilities--and it scares me that it is God's way of letting me know to expect something.

As I mentioned in the Down Syndrome blog, I know that my husband and I would/could be great parents to a child with special needs....but until we are in that situation, I have such a hard time wrapping my head around how we would do that. There's a quote I've seen posted on a friend's facebook page that says, "You never know how strong you can be, until you have to be..." And I have such anxiety that if I had to be strong, I wouldn't be strong enough. It's only human to have doubts, right?

Do I trust the test results we had? I say that I do...because why else would I have done the test, if I wasn't going to trust them? But what if something else goes wrong?

I know that my friends and family would tell me that I can't live my life for the next several weeks with that thought looming over my head, because I can't control everything....and I agree...but I am really struggling right now. And, truthfully, no one's life is ever for certain. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. But who wants to live their life dwelling on that? No one. I really try to live more in the present than ever, but it's so hard as a mother...to worry about your child.

I've been in denial, perhaps, for the past several weeks, busying myself with moving, traveling, settling in, and preparing a nursery.... Now that his birth is getting closer, and I am marking more and more off my to-do list, I can't help but notice things around me that point to something being amiss.

Then I wonder, would I have these same concerns if our ultrasound had been 100% 'normal?' Probably not. So then why wasn't it "normal" if everything is "normal?"

Thanks for 'listening.'