The latest happenings

Basically my kids have been sick in some form or fashion since the middle of October...so that's been....awesome.

stomach flu
runny nose
cold
flu
rsv

hoorah!

I've been sick twice (I started the stomach bug in early October and had a cold or the flu over Thanksgiving), and my husband once. The kids just can't seem to get out from under it. We've had brief periods of health, and I use that term lightly, but 85% of this winter has been confined to our home with snot rags, sick juice, and TV. Ugh.

I know that it's "good" for the immune system to be boosted, and we are "due" because last winter there was one round of colds after the birthday party / baptism weekend, but that was all since we were homebound. I tried to be relatively homebound this year, but I guess you either are or you aren't because going to target doesn't count as being homebound and clorox wipe or not, there's millions of germs floating around that store and anywhere else we went....even if it wasn't some indoor play center. Heck, maybe those woulda been cleaner.

My life looks like this;
 
Run. Cook. Wipe noses and butts. Breastfeed. Watch TV. Work (I worked 50+ hours this month! money FTW!!!!). Attempt to visit friends, but generally lose on that due to illness. Attempt to go on a date but that hasn't happened due to illness. Go grocery shopping. Go to church when we aren't sick. Attend a few meetings. Go to the doctor. Oh, and I went to the dentist once. Woooooo!

Since I last updated you we celebrated my husband's birthday. That was nice, though it was supposed to be nicer with the date night attempt I mentioned above that still hasn't happened. Such is the life of a parent. He also kind of got hurt running and trying to be a general badass by beating my on our 9 mile training run. It's been almost 2 weeks since he last ran and I'm starting to worry he won't be prepared for the marathon. I really don't want to run alone...

G has gone through periods of awesome behavior and then crappy behavior. I'd like to think I'm doing a rockstar job of rolling with the punches, and have only really yelled once in MONTHS, so that's cool. I credit Daniel Tiger, The Orange Rhino Blog post I read, internal motivation that I don't want to model bad behavior and GOD above through prayer and intervention. Sometimes you just have to kill 'em with kindness and that's what I've been trying to do. We do discipline, but try to do all things with love. We are Christians, ya' know.
I also read St. Gianna's book (seen here Saint Gianna Molla: Wife, Mother, Doctor). Even if you aren't Catholic, it has a great message of being a better wife, mother, human....My husband has been reading it too, very motivating.
So back to G. Well, she's working on handwriting, because I feel like once she can write, at least a little bit, official homeschooling will begin. I'm beginning to feel more and more out of place with 'preschool' conversations because she's not going anywhere and won't be. I wish people wouldn't judge me for that. She'll be socialized just fine, thanks. I'm not crazy. I asked her today if she wanted me to be or teacher or someone else and she said me, so there's that :-)
She does want to go to a "school" / "somewhere else" for school, so I guess I'll have to work on that one.

She didn't used to get confused with "b" and "d" but out of no where she has started to. And also "6" and "9"

celebrating her besties birthday

She totally used to know those apart....maybe she's got dyslexia, or has too much swimming around her brain nowadays. I don't want to diagnose her since I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure she has sensory issues and may even be on the ASD, but not nearly enough for treatment. Especially since it is such a broad spectrum (I think nearly any kid could fall on it KWIM?). She's definitely not a truly typical kid though, but we've known that since she was a baby. Even my mom pointed out how quirky she is when G was only like 8 months old or something. Basically I am her mom, and I see her all the time. I also see a lot of other kids her age, and I know she's not like them in weird ways. Not that I think that's bad, and I'm certainly not seeking out treatment, because I think she has to develop her own personality and learn to manage her quirks. If there was something debilitative, sure, but in my opinion, there's not. What quirks you might ask.... well she's just extreme on so many things. OCD like, emotional overload like, extremely amazing memory....IDK I can't explain it, she's generally a sweet preschooler just weird, in an okay way. I love her to the end of the universe and back though. She is beautiful and makes me feel so happy.
Wow...got on a tangent there.

sick faces:-(

So J... he's doing really well despite his sicknesses. He's walking a lot at home these days, but not 100% of the time, and not when we are out and about for me to go get him some stride right shoes. That is on my to do list though. I can't wait for spring to get here so we can all go play in the yard together. Last spring was kind of a wash, because he had to be held when we were outside, and that's not as fun!
He has some "words." He'll say (in his own baby speak way) "bite"(which my husband unfortunately started him on as meaning "more food") "all done" "bath" "bed" "momma" "dadda" "ahh" (maybe G's name??) "bye" and "yeah"
He's getting a bit of an attention span FINALLY. He will read books for a little bit, and even has a few favorites (Sesame Street Nighty Night and a Colors slide-the-door book). He's not too interested in G's shows yet aside from the songs, and easily gets bored with toys (and moves between them quickly). He loves musical things and kid songs. He tries to write/color, but still tries to put them in his mouth, so it's a supervised activity only. He likes turning light switches, pushing buttons (like on the food processor), and being as "helpful" as I'll let him. He is OBSESSED with the dishwasher. He has sat on the potty a few times, but never gone (it was just because it's sitting right there next to the tub). He LOVES his blankey but doesn't have a lovey other than that. He's much more of a climber than G ever was, and he's much more curious (Whereas she was more likely to size things up from afar, he must try it to find out). He's still sitting rear facing, still nursing over night, and still my baby boy. I wouldn't change that for the world. XOXO.

Nine Months Old baby J

Having a nine month old baby boy sure is fun! He's into everything, makes everyone happy, keeps me on my toes for sure.

 J is very curious. He wants to see what everyone is doing, and likes getting into the action himself. He's feeding himself, army crawling (maybe it'd be better described as crocodile crawling lol), pulling-up on almost everything (except his crib, which is weird, because that's the first place G pulled up, but his crib is taller), clapping and waving, and just being a generally awesome little man. He plays peek a boo by pulling covers up and down, he can find some hidden things when shown them first. He can put things in and take them out. He's trying to mimic some motions, so maybe signing a few things might be in his future. He likes anything with a screen, which is a sign of the times, eh.

He is super into G's fan, cords of any kind, bathrooms, doors and door stops, and shoes-especially flip flops. Sounds like a puppy to me, LOL - of course I stop him from getting those things and so that probably increases his interest in them.

He eats 3 meals a day plus nurses about 5 times a day. He sleeps from about 8:15 pm - 5:30 am, nurses, and sleeps again from 6ish until about 9 am.... give or take, usually. He takes a nap from around 1:30 pm until 4 pm. Yeah, he's a one nap baby already. And I thought G was an early 1-napper.... though I did kind of push J into one nap so that our life opened up in the morning a bit.

J eat peeled/cut grapes, bananas, peaches, carrots, cucumbers, tomatoes, shredded meat, bell peppers, squash/zucchini, puffs, yogurt bites, pumpkin, and cheerios. He's tried lots of other things, but that's what he eats fairly frequently. He loves food and feeding himself.

He kind of drinks expressed milk from a sippy, with a lot of help and a lot of it spills, but this is helpful for getting through mass. I can't nurse under a cover because he pulls it off, so nursing discretely through mass isn't an option.

He's taken several tumbles because he's really top heavy, so when he pulls up on something and then tries to creep along or transfer between objects, he falls. I can't be right next to him every second...so long story short he topples over and cries. :-( Oh well, part of being a kid, right?

Then there's G who has pulled him over on accident a few times. She has just tried to help him "walk" but it ends up being her pulling him down since he can't walk. We've had a few talks about just letting him be....

She's a super awesome big sister, seriously, I've never seen a better one. She loves on him, plays with him, helps get his food, and takes care of him as much as a 2.5 year old can. Not that I put that on her really, but she's got a maternal instinct.

J is doing really well as far as CDPX1 (chondradysplasia punctata) is concerned, at least in my non-medical opinion. He seems to hear well, but we'll have his hearing checked pretty soon. He may or may not hear exactly right though, only time and monitoring will tell there. He seems to see well too, but again, we'll keep an eye on it ;-) His breathing is fine. He snores sometimes and makes odd sounds, but mostly does great. Let's all pray he stays healthy and avoids serious illness this Fall. His bones are the main thing, and we won't have x-rays again until December when he's almost 1. His torso and head seem to make up most of his body, so I think his legs are shorter than normal, which is why I think he's so top heavy....but he's only 9 months old ;-) so we'll see what happens in the future.

I'll update his height and weight tomorrow after his appointment. He's got two teeth on bottom and 4 about ready to bust through on the top.

Love you baby boy!!

Half Birthday Boy

J is six months old and is doing great. He had his well child check 3 days early, and at it he weighed 17 pounds 2.5 ounces and was 26.25 inches long. His head his staying steady ay 99%, which was 18.1" around. I think that his huge head makes him look a lot bigger than he is. People comment on how big of a baby he is, but his length and height actually hover around 50% for kids his age...which means he is very average. No teeth yet, plenty of hair (he had a hair cut by me!).



about to topple over!



My sweet boy is a rolling fool. He squirms in circles, and has gotten himself into his crib rails or the end of his bed, but doesn't crawl 'for real.' He has kind of sat up, but usually just topples over. He loves books and tries to turn the pages! He also enjoys gnawing them...typical baby.

He rattles toys, rakes things in, recognizes family members, rolls over, transfer things from hands, grabs on toes (or boy parts at diaper changes...eeeek), loves mirrors and music. He's also started some stranger fear...like when my mom showed up this week, he smiled at first, then got kind of freaked out and cried when she got up close. He got used to her and it was fine later on. I think his favorite person is G...they are too freakin' cute together. So glad they have each other.

J has had bananas, green beans, carrots, and blueberry banana puree. The bananas were the only "real food," the rest have been jarred or pouches. He loves food and eating :-)

We'll keep solids as introductory for a while, and stick to nursing for nutrients. He's so great at it :-)

Sleep wise, he has good and tough days. Last night he actually slept amazing, 8.5 hours, eat, then another 2.5 hours. That was awesome. Other nights he'll be up every 3-4 hours. He is solidly on two naps now, so it means he's following in G's footsteps of transitioning early...so I expect to see him on one nap before December. That's both a good and bad thing. Good because then we'll have all morning to do stuff again without worrying about nap times, but it's bad because I lose that time to get stuff done or play alone with G.... oh well life moves at light speed!

I cannot believe how big he is getting. He's SO sweet, cuddly, and smiley. I don't want that to ever change....maybe it won't ;-)

adorable nose, thanks cdpx1

J's Birth Story

Around 23 weeks pregnant, Lake Tahoe, CA 8/2012

Everyone knows my pregnancy wasn't the most delightful experience. From about 2 weeks on, I felt this....anxiety and fear that something was, or would go, wrong. I can't explain how it came to be, just that it was there and I couldn't shake it. My mom said that being so far from family probably contributed to it. I think that's probably true. But I maintain, and always will, that I had "mother's intuition" that this wasn't a normal pregnancy. I also call it a God thing. I believe everything happens for a reason....His reason. For wordiness' sake, here's how it came to be that I delivered J at the same hospital and with the same midwife/doctor practice as I did G...even though we started out half way across the country.


My seemingly irrational fear that I would die in child birth, or the baby would be lost ---> I nagged my husband every week, if not several times a week, that we needed to get back to the Midwest before November ---> my husband said he would try ---> our 20 week ultrasound showed "abnormal" nasal structure, or lack there of ---> my fears were validated ---> we thought maybe our son had Down's Syndrome ---> my husband requested a transfer back to the home office, though he never said anything indicitive of trouble, simply that we wanted to be closer to family for our son's birth, since he would have been moved soon after anyways ---> we house hunted over Labor Day ---> Moved just before what was considered "un safe" for me to be traveling (32 weeks)

Sometime in there, you might recall, I had blood drawn for a Harmony Blood Test that is fairly new, but also pretty reliable at telling if the baby has trisomies on the 13, 18, or 21 chromosome.  It came back very low risk (1/10,000).... so we were left wondering just what was going on with our son.

My old midwife was happy to have me back, and I was thrilled to be back. I told her all about my fears, and pretty much requested an ultrasound to check on the baby. I convienently measured a tad big, plus they hadn't seen the baby on ultrasound for themselves, so she had me schedule an ultrasound for the following week. Turns out....my amniotic fluid levels were higher than 'normal.' You might recall, I slightly got freaked out because nothing seemed to be normal with this pregnancy. I had so many ultrasounds through the last few weeks of my pregnancy, I forget how many. I think like 5 or 6?

We planned a natural birth and I truly believed it wouldn't happen. Yeah, I wanted it, and I hoped for it, but again with the mother's/woman's intuition. Thus, I questioned my doula/doula's back up a bit harder about their preperation for births that go wrong, I played the what if game a lot more with my midwife, I came up with plans A-D on what to do with G should I go in to labor or have an emergency situation, and I prayed. I talked to my husband and mom about how I was feeling, a lot. I'm thankful to have had the both of them, so that neither of them took 100% of my emotions.

I tried to focus on the positive things. We were back close{r} to family. We had a home. We had all necessary supplies. Our baby was big, growing wasn't an issue. I was uncomfortable beyond all get out, but I could still move and take care of G. I wasn't on bed rest. Alleluia to that. My BFF threw my an awesome baby shower. My birthday was pretty fantastic. Baby boy was free to come any time after that.

I had practice contractions for what seemed like a month, but they didn't do anything. Once I thought things were serious, and even had plans A and C activated (my husband's cousin came over in the middle of the night until my mother-in-law could get here), but it was a true false alarm.

12/15/12 - all the excitement provoked baby boy out :-)

On December 15, we had a full day of Christmas-themed fun with my sister in town. Then my in-laws called (or texted, I don't remember) my husband to say that they were no longer going to come over on Christmas, as had been the plan, but instead were coming TOMORROW. Yeah, I about freaked out. I mean, I am super pregnant, and had plans for Christmas. I did not have supplies or plans for an early Christmas feast on less than 24 hour notice. (I know you guys read this, so don't be offended, but I really was pretty thrown off! Everything worked out, though, obviously) I called my mom to complain about how unprepared I was, and she told me that it'd likely spur the baby to be born, and I agreed that would be nice so that my father-in-law could be here (since he works a retail schedule, it's hard to pin him down). I politely-ish told my husband to inform his parents that we could go out to eat, or order in, but I was not cooking a Christmas feast. We went to bed with plans to go to church, eat out, and exchange gifts with the in-laws.

I slept horribly during both of my pregnancies. It's just how my body operates. But usually my best sleep was around 5-8 in the morning. I woke up at 6 am with this ridiculous urge to go finish the ironing, which was the only thing left on my to-do-list. As I stood in our basement, ironing my husband's work clothes, I prayed a whole lot and talked to the baby. I asked God, St. Gerard, and St. Gianna to let us both live. I prayed that if someone had to die, please let it be me, not the baby, and I told the baby how much I loved him already. I know all of this sounds melodramatic, but you guys, you really have no idea how much anxiety I was trying to suppress the whole pregnancy. Also while downstairs, I messaged my mother-in-law and told her that I felt like today was really the day, and that if she could bring some extra clothes to maybe stay the night with G, if needed...

After I finished up the ironing, I carried it upstairs and crawled back into bed. A bit later, we got up for the day and I told my husband about my feelings. Contractions picked up past the practice-feelings I had been experiencing. These started being painful enough I gritted my teeth and focused on breathing. We all got ready for church, and I had a few more contractions. They weren't stopping with relaxing or moving, so I assumed it was real. My mood around the house was kind of tense, because I didn't want my water to break. Part of having too much fluid is the concern that the baby's cord could come out first, which would basically cut off blood to the baby. It's a pretty risky business.

I am clearly an advocate for natural birth, and don't think people who have home births are crazy, but mothers with extreme polyhdraminos (what I had) are usually turned away by home birth midwives, or atleast they are by the ones who know what's best. Things can go bad really fast....but everyone kept telling me how rare that is, and how I shouldn't be worried, and blah blah blah.

The truth is, with G, I wanted to avoid the hospital for as long as possible, but with J, I needed to be there when my water broke, for safety's sake. My worst fear was that the baby would die waiting for an ambulance to get to my house if my water broke and his cord prolapsed. My midwife, at one point, told me that babies can "survive" like 8 minutes or something before things go "drastically" wrong.... so an ambulance would be almost a gamble too. Knowing all these things, you probably think I should have had a scheduled C-Section to pull J out before I even went into labor...but even now, looking back, I would NOT have chosen that method. I'll tell you why in a minute.

12/16/12 before church. I forgot just how huge I was

Alright back to the story. We all got ready for church. During driving the short, 9 minute drive to church, I had a painful contraction. While in the parking lot, I had another pretty painful contraction, that I'm still able to kind of talk through. My sister or husband, I forget which one, said maybe we shouldn't go into church. I said that we were there anyways, and I didn't want to miss Mass. Plus, it's nice to distract yourself from labor by staying busy or focusing on other things.

Although I had crazy visions of my water breaking during Mass, and screaming "is there a doctor in the house!?" I felt called to make it through mass. The contractions definitely picked up during Mass, and I was kind of patting myself on the back for making it through, without too much distraction to other people. After church, in the car, I informed everyone that this baby was in fact, coming today. There was no going back. My in-laws showed up at our house not long after we got home. I think they were pretty excited, but also unsure of what to do, or so it seemed to me. I requested Panera for lunch, it was the only thing that sounded good. Half a Turkey Bravo and a cup of Sonoma Chicken Stew, with whole grain bagette for a side. {Panera, if you are out there, feel free to send me free stuff as a token of your appreciation!!} A few times during lunch I shot up out of my chair and hurried to our powder room, that's just around the corner from the kitchen / dining room. I didn't want everyone, primarily G and my father-in-law, to watch me deal with increasingly painful contractions. After lunch, we told our doula to head to our house. In between lunch and her arrival, we did the gift thing :-) Then she went down for her nap.

I was super grateful when our doula arrived. She came up to my room with me. I told my husband to stay and chat with his parents, since he hadn't seen them in a while, and our doula was getting paid to help me ;-)
Looking back, I feel like I pretty much rocked labor. I mean, I was breathing through contractions. I was avoiding focusing on the negative. I was "hunkered" down in my birthing mindset. I think there were a few times I questioned whether it was time to go or not...and our doula told me that I would know when it was time. I was also worried that if G woke up from her nap, and I was in contraction pain, she'd freak out, so I kind of wanted to leave before she woke up....but I also didn't want to get there too early (like with G, I got there and I was at two cm dilated, even though my water had broken and I was seriously sure I was dying of pain).

I forgot to say that I started loosing a whole bunch of mucous earlier in the morning. Like a lot. I thought I had lost it earlier in the week. Well, there was a ridiculous amount more. And it kept coming throughout the day, but never amniotic fluid.

So, contractions were pretty regular, but never "by the book." I know they are supposed to get longer, closer together, etc etc... But mine kind of just did their own thing...just like with G. I knew it was real labor, though, because they hurt like a motherbear, and they weren't stopping. They were achy, stabbing, and crampy all at the same time. Some were longer than others, some came closer together, almost on top of each other, some took a 10 minute break. Whatev.

I talked with our doula between them, and tried to bounce/roll on the birth ball as often as possible, but I kept feeling SO much pressure. I was dreadfully uncomfortable, but managing. I had thoughts of, "this isn't THAT bad" and "I can do this" but also thoughts of "ouch, ok, this sucks" and "let's just get this over with." I made myself sit on the ball more often than I wanted to, because I knew it would move things along. I also finished packing. (Things were mostly packed, I just had toiletries/camera/last minute things to add) When the contractions were really bad, leaning over the bed was the most comfortable I could get.

I was much more aware during this labor. During G's I was in HELL from 11 pm until she was born a bit before 9 AM. It was just a full-steam-ahead-train of pain. I think it's became my water had broken. With J, it was a bit easier. It was more mellow, and I was more mellow. My body knew what to do, and I had a large cushion of fluid. That's not to say it didn't hurt. It did. But it wasn't hell.

Around 4ish, we moved from the bedroom to the basement, so that G could get up from her nap, without seeing or hearing us. I remember I had tried to turn on Whitney (always made me laugh), but couldn't focus since the contractions had ramped up, so it wasn't worth it. I think the move down two flights of stairs kicked things up a notch, because we weren't downstairs very long before I officially decided it was time to go.

Here's the most asinine part of the whole story. I had my husband called the midwife office, and God love him, but he got something all screwy, or the call service did, or they both did. I don't know. It took forever to figure out who was on call, that I was in fact in labor, and that I requested a midwife. I think part of the problem was that the doctor on call had the same last name as my midwife, who was not on call (a different midwife was), and my poor husband was probably frantic because we were having a baby. I definitely was at that moment, anyways.

Things got straightened out. The car got loaded. I choked back tears as I tried to tell G good-bye, because in my heart-of-hearts, I feared it could be the last time she saw her mother. She was fairly preoccupied with her new Christmas toys, though, so I was a little bummed about the lack of attention she gave me, but it was for the best.

I felt a lot of relief the second we got to the hospital, because I knew that if my water broke, we were in the right place to handle it if things went wrong. I just felt a lot better.

My husband dropped me off at the front door, which was a nice change from with G...when it was the middle of the night, and we had to go in the ER doors. My husband and our doula got inside, and we took the elevator up to the third floor. I was actually pretty excited at that point. Things were going so well, I allowed myself to feel good.
Triage was a whole different experience this time. First of all, I could talk. I moved without dying, and I actually made light of the whole situation. With G...I swore I was about to have a baby and I was only 2 centimeters dialated. So with J, I about fell out of the bed when the triage nurse told me I was a 6. a SIX. Holy cow. My life was instantly better. I got admited automatically-sweet! We mosied down to the same room where G was born, and I was pretty thrilled that J and G would be born in the exact same place. How fun. Oh, best part, the triage nurse had a Mary necklace on. I asked if she was Catholic, and she was. Another plus for my night.

It was like 6 pm at this point.

The midwife on call was the only one out of the four that I hadn't got around to seeing--she was new from the last time I had been there. Turns out, she is absolutely amazing. They got baby boy on the monitor for a 20 minute strip and then I was free to move around. So different from G. It was soon time for a shift change, and things were slow--although after we came in, tons more moms did and they actually ended up filling up!

My husband, doula, and I went for a lap around the LDR area. We handled a few contractions on our route. Then we got back into the room...things were ramping up. My midwife was actually in the room as much, if not more than our nurse. She helped me through contractions, and was really like the leader of our team. She was all about making my labor easier, and wanted us to achieve the birth we wanted. She was really sweet and compassionate. It was exactly what I needed this time around. My original midwife, who delivered G, is less sweet, and more direct. She was exactly what I need for that birth. Things work out.

At some point, I'm 9 cm dilated, my midwife is rubbing my ankles, and we are pretty much ready to have a baby. But my water hadn't broken at this point. My midwife (And I) didn't think it was possible for baby boy to be born in his amniotic sac...there was 33 cubic centimeters of fluid in there. The most likely outcome would be that it would burst during a push, and a scary situation could happen at that point. So she suggested putting a small hole in the sac to let some of the fluid trickle out, as she guided baby boy's head down...because he was still really "floaty," as she called it.

This midwife is probably the best I'll ever encounter, and if you live in the metro area, I highly recommend her. She did everything right.

She proposed the above plan, but also called the doctor on call from the practice. She wanted to have him on stand by, because it was, at this point, kind of a crap shoot. She was confident we could still have our natural birth, but she said that she is the kind of person that likes to have "her ducks in a row, but not need them, rather than the other way around."

The doctor came in to size up the situation. I have never had a male OB/GYN, and I was bummed the doctor on call was a guy...but oh well.

He was pretty worried about how "floaty" baby boy was. By floaty, they meant that I was basically ready to have a baby, but that baby was bouncing around in his fluid too much for it to be a truly safe delivery. Sometimes he'd be "engaged" and ready to come out, but then a little bit later, he'd be back up high. The midwife and doctor both thought that the water really needed to break. Controlling the breaking of the water was the safest way to ensure J survived. It was a concession I was willing to make at this point (my birth plan had asked to avoid artificial breaking of water).

The small hole that the doctor put into the amniotic sac, allowed some water out, but then basically plugged itself back up. They ended up breaking the water completely, while one of them pushed at the top of my uterus, attempting to keep baby boy down, and the other "guided" his head down. I was fairly out of it at this point, because the pain was excruciating. I think I was crying, and I was definitely yelping in pain. There aren't the appropriate words in the English language to describe just how freaking painful this all was. I don't know how long this went on, but it couldn't have been that long...

The next thing I knew, I heard "emergency" and "now" and "section" and beeping from the machine. I asked what was wrong...and they said that baby boy's heart rate was dropping and his shoulder was now into the birth canal. My midwife looked at my sternly and said the words I had been waiting to hear for months. "Kaylene. We have to get your baby out. now." I was crying, but bit my lip and nodded. I said. Ok. Ok.

Through sobs, I told my husband how much I loved him. I told him he was a great dad, and he could raise the kids by himself. I told my doula that her job was to make sure G knew how much I loved her. I was scared to death. It was the most surreal feeling. I know people have c-sections all the time, and don't die. But the way this went down was so, so fast, scary, and unplanned.

I was wheeled out the door and into the operating room, which was right next to my room anyways. I will never forget the next few minutes, and I don't feel it's necessary to share. But I was subjected to even more excrutiating pain, while I begged them to keep me and the baby alive. The anestiologist assured me they do this all the time, I'm in good hands, blah blah blah. I was alone and I was scared, so thanks but no thanks. I made my peace with God. It consisted of me saying, Lord forgive me for my sins, I tried my best, please let me go to Heaven, bless my kids and husband and family. Then I was out.

It took them 8 minutes to get J out from the time I was wheeled out of my room, my husband wasn't even scrubbed in by the time J was 'born.' He got into the room just as they were getting J under the warmer. There had been a NICU team in the room, but J's apgar's were 8-9-9, so they dismissed him as perfectly fine and went on their merry way.

fairly new

I wish I had a picture of the first thing I saw when I woke up. I know first I moaned in agony, and then caught a blurry/groggy glimpse of my husband who{seemingly} had teary eyes, half under a blanket. I asked how the baby was, they said he was fine, and that his dad was holding him....relief. A few weeks prior I had confirmed with my husband that if we had to have an emergency c-section, that he would hold the baby skin-to-skin as soon as possible. I was so relieved he remembered. That image will forever be etched in my memory. But I was also in horrible pain that no medicine would ever fully take away.
Very shortly after waking up, they brought J over to me to nurse. My husband had been letting him suck on his pinkie until I was awake....I remember the look on my husband's face when he came over to me...it was one of relief and love. He said, "he's hungry!" I did my best to nurse J, but it was not the start I had hoped for. But it was certainly better than the negative outlook my anxiety had prepared me for.

breastfeeding is really important to me, and to J. I'm sure it helped him in those early minutes. I'm extremely proud of this precious photo. Sure, what's implied is personal, but honestly, you see more in certain advertisements these days.

late night snuggles on me 12/16 - 12/17/12

J was with us for a day and a half before being taken to the NICU

We got into our Mother/Baby room and the rest is history.... My road to recovery was quite long, complex, and painful. J was sent to the NICU for monitoring since he breathing was labored at times. He nursed great, though, it was just exhausting for him to eat and breathe....but he has made it great thus far. He was diagnosed with Chondradysplasia punctata based on clinical and radiology findings while in the NICU.

We were all home in time for Christmas.

Headed home 12/22/12

---So even now, I wouldn't go back and do a pre-scheduled C-Section. It is my belief that J benefited greatly from the stimulation that labor and nearly being birthed naturally gives to a baby's lungs. J's breathing situation is already a bit challenged thanks to his small nose and nasal passages, so going through labor is definetly helpful for encouraging his system to mature up to life-sustaining-levels. Things happened just as they were supposed to. Sure, sometimes I get bummed that it didn't go naturally as planned...but my labor was natural and great. J's birth was completely reliant on modern medicine, and without it he'd be dead and I might have been too. God wanted him here, and gave him quite the dramatic entrance.

Things to Remember

I want to remember...

That G currently uses "It's dark...!" in a whiny voice as a way to get me to stay in her room for a bit before nap/night time. We chat about our day, and I sing her a song, and finally have to get up and leave despite her protests. She doesn't seem legitimately scared, plus she has a night light and at nap time it's definitely NOT dark. I think it's kind of sweet...though once it goes past 5 minutes, I'm like, "ok, good night."

blurry photo pic of her adorbs church outfit

That G's little voice is the sweetest. She says awesome fun things. "It's lost! We have to find it!" "Ohhh so brrriiigghht!" "Oh no! It's broken. Let's fix it!" "Tanks!" (thanks) "Luhew" (Love you) "Dipping Sticks!!!" (an occasional treat for keeping her bed dry) 

That we've been playing a lot of Dora Match Game. She's pretty amazing at it, especially for a 2 year old, but even just in general. It's teaching her a lot about rules, taking turns, and polishing her spectacular memory skills. I love listening to her say "Mommy's turn!" "daddy's turn!" "My turn!" She has also started using pronouns appropriately...though some still get messed up. The other night she said, "Come play Dora game with us!" This was said to me, in relation to the fact that my husband had set it up in the living room.

.....I mean. Having a 2 year old is super fun. Both my husband and I comment on how she just makes us so happy. Then there's the fits she's taken to throwing. I'm doing a fairly good job of staying level headed. I keep saying, sometimes even out loud, she's just two. She's just two. I sure do wish I could zap her frontal lobe and make it mature. Ha. Then again, there are times I lose my cool more than I'd like. It gets exhausting being with her 24/7...but again, I love it.

helping with the cups.

Oh....then that baby.... I could literally eat him up. He is so dang sweet and snuggly. I've been doing great with him. 

That J smells so amazing after a bath. I don't remember focusing on little things like that with G. I think it was because I was so busy learning to be a mom. And now that I am a mom, J is the baby I get to 'enjoy' a bit more. I guess that sounds bad, but it's the truth.

That he loves books, though he'd rather eat them I think. He loves gnawing on anything. Those dang teeth have to be around here somewhere.

"sit/standing in his go-pod"

That he is doing so amazing. That dang mutated gene will not drag him down. I found out last week that I am, in fact, a carrier. So he "got" CDPX1 from me. No biggie. I expected that....though I did choke back tears when I heard the official news. It's still a punch to the gut. One I assumed was coming, but that still doesn't take away the initial hurt. So...we are done having kids, in our opinion. We will leave it slightly up to God, as in, nothing drastic will be done, but there will not be any intentional procreating for us again. Kinda bummed/kinda glad. Okay, truth time, Actually really glad. We feel complete.

right after I got the genetic counselor call

That J adores G. I mean, that kid loves watching her, slobbering all over her. 

That I FINALLY have legitimate success with NOT nursing to sleep. I tried, pretty hard, with G to teach her to not nurse to sleep. I never really got anywhere, until she weaned. I didn't wanted to follow that same path with J...but it happened... Until this weekend. Since Saturday, J has pretty much been put into his crib wide awake, and fallen asleep on his own. MAGNIFICENT. It's helped him sleep {a tad bit} better at night too.

I also want to remember that date nights are vital to our marriage. We had one a two Fridays ago and I'm still thinking about how wonderful it was. Praised be to God for responsible baby sitters and family too.

in other news. I'm one full week into training for a half-marathon. I got about half way into training for one back in 09, but hurt my self so bad I had to shell out over a thousand bucks for an MRI, and was in PT for months... Here's to hoping that doesn't happen again. Week one was easy, and I'm pumped for... October.... What?! I have 20 weeks left. That's half a friggin' pregnancy. Ugh. At least I have PLENTY of time to increase my mileage. I've got a great training plan from Runner's World that's customized for me.

Next up, I plan to officially type out J's birth story for his half birthday. 

why this is blurry...idk. but its them hanging out in my bed

getting so BIG

sibling love

at the park

date night

J at 4 months

Just a quick little update about the cutest nosed member of our family,

J is 4 months old now, and very very alert. He's super into watching his big sister, or any kid for that matter. He has rolled both front to back (3/17) and back to front (4/8). He does mini-push ups. He grabs for toys. He loves gnawing on things, so much so that we wonder if he's teething.
J does not like to nap, or at least he's great a faking like he hates it. He sleeps pretty good at night--usually a 7-8 hour stretch, eat, sleep for another 2 hours or if I'm lucky, longer.

He's gone for several chariot rides, and as long as he's fed, changed, and cozy...drifts right to sleep. Same for the car.

He's had a few play dates, now that we're out of flu season...though they've really just been for big sister, G.

He still nurses like a champ, and I'd say he does that about 5 times during the day, 2-3 times at night.

J had his 4 month well child check yesterday and weighed in at 14 pounds, 13 ounces. He was 25.5 inches tall, and his head is 17.5" inches around. That puts him around 39% for weight, 60% for height, and 99% for head. These are incredible stats for someone with CDPX1. We are so blessed that he's growing and hitting milestones. We haven't heard back on his bloodwork that's supposed to identify where exactly his genetic mutation/deletion is...I'm getting a bit antsy on that. I plan to call by the end of the week, though I know our counselor will call as soon as she hears something...

Three month old J

March 16 2013

Little mister is a little over three months old today. He has also decided to throw revolutions at nap times. Fantastico!


I'm not sure how other moms of two young kids handle it, but for me...it involves some near hair-pulling out, some internal tantrums (adult style, you know, the kind with swearing), some MAJOR prayers, and a whole lot of "I cannot wait for this stage to be over" thoughts.

I've got G begging to be played with -- and oh I want to honey -- and J screaming because he's fed, changed, tired, and laying in his nice bed -- which is clearly not enough for a three month old but is more than plenty for this momma.

I have to find a balance between letting him cry so I can give G attention, and attending to him because he is, after all, only a three month old.

Today has been the hardest day to find that balance.

It's been a tough several days, with regards to J and his naps... He has hit that phase of reaching major physical and mental milestones that results in poor sleep. I'm super thankful he is on track with all of these milestones, just very worn out and unsure how to handle the combination of needs among my kids. Sometimes, no one wins and all three of us have tears. That's just real life, folks.

Parents with more than two kids, I tip my hat to you. I'd imagine there's a ton of screaming in your house, or you are smart/rich, and hire a nanny or day care.

So, back to the baby.

March 15 2013

He's in 6 month clothes! He must weigh nearly 14 lbs, but I'll know for sure next week at his second NICU follow-up. I can't really guess at his height, so I'll report back on that too.
He nurses 5-6 times during the day and 2-4 times at night.
His bed time is roughly 7:45 pm, but lately he's not been going to sleep easily. He will usually sleep about 6 hours, then eat, then sleep another 2-4, eat, then sleep another 1-2.
He doesn't really have a nap schedule, though I've tried to pencil-in one based on when he gets up for the day... it's truly a crap shoot. I'm well versed in the sleep training methods and procedures, as I went through the ringer with G, but none of my best stuff is working for the kid.

And that brings me to the milestones that are inducing this sleep crazy mess.
J rolled over! Okay, he technically kind-of rolled over (tummy to back) as a two month old, but he'd never really get flat onto his back, so I never counted it. We are officially counting tummy-to-back roll over on 3/16, exactly 3 months old. He's SO extremely close to rolling over from back to tummy. I've started several recordings, only to delete them when nothing pans out.... but it's very imminent. This is very exciting for us, because he's never been as strong as G was--she held her own head up pretty much from day 1. J didn't really hold his head very well until 2/26. J has great kicking motion, so I assume crawling won't be delayed.
When we found out about his condition, of course things ran through my mind about possible physical or mental delays...but for now...knock on wood...he's pretty much typical.
His breathing is okay. It took him about 2 weeks to get over a minor cold, but he's back to normal (for him) now, so that's nice.
He loves to laugh at G, or us if we say/do the right thing, and smile at anyone that gives him even the smallest reason to. He's truly a loveable boy, just going through some grouchies lately.
He loves to read books and look at toys. He recently started trying to bat at them and successfully does some of the time. His favorite seems to be a white Easter bunny that has pink teether paws and a little rattle inside.
He drools a ton, but I don't see any indication of teething. He had an umbilical hernia, but it seems to be almost gone. His hair is still about the same length, but his massive head keeps growing, so the hair is thinning out across the scalp, which makes for a comical hair-do.
He loves watching all the action, especially his big sister.
He went to mass for the first time this weekend and was AWAKE THE WHOLE TIME. There was only one instance where he almost got fussy, but reigned it in. He was pretty much an angel. It was lovely. It was our first mass as a full family of four, and it went great. It was on the six year anniversary of me meeting my husband. So that made it extra special.

march 8 2013 - (band-aid from blood draw)

My sweet boy is one month old!

Today, mister JT (we don't call him by his initials, it's just privacy) is once month old. Which, consequently means I am one month post-op. Ugh. What a month it has been for this momma, I can't wait to be several months post-op and hopefully back to my pre-pregnancy self, working out, toned up, and agile as ever. But, I'm not wishing away this time with baby boy...although some sleep would be nice...and some fun times with sibling play would be nice. I know, I know... I'm gonna 'miss this.' Or I 'should.' But honestly, when I look back at G's 1 month and etc... I don't miss it. Yes, I'm glad we went through it all, and that we have those memories, but her age now is much more fun and is better suited to the kind of life I want to have...which is exploratory, learning, fun, experimenting, etc etc.... I love her age now. Maybe when she is 26 and recovering from surgery, and in horrible pain, and calling me on the verge of tears...sure, then I'll wish she was little. But the difference between JT being one month old and 23 months old, miniscule, and I can't wait for him to be a bit older. Call me crazy.

school time :-)

As a one month old, JT,

loves to eat. J eats probably 20 times a day. Ha. He eats about ever 1.5 (ish) hours during the day, and about 2-2.5 (ish) hours at night. Sometimes we get lucky and he'll go a 3 hour stint. We don't want, and logically can't, put him on a schedule. Due to his harder time breathing, he needs more calories than a regular ol' baby, and it'd be detrimental to his health if we restricted his feedings. I hope he will grow out of the high frequency of feedings eventually. He's always been great at breast feeding, and for that I'm very thankful.

wants to sleep, but sometimes has trouble due to gassy-ness or annoying breathing troubles with a clogged up nose. He can fall asleep without eating, so this is a major victory that I don't want to back track on. We all know the troubles we had with G and her association of nursing to sleep. If we can avoid that one with this kid, kudos to us/me. He usually sleeps in his Rock and Play, rarely in his crib, since being elevated helps him breath easier. He can sleep laying flat, though, so we have been trying to transition him to his crib a few times a day/night, because he will eventually out grow the RnP.

is super cute. I mean, come on. Even with his abnormally small nose, he's a handsome little man. I could eat him up with a spoon.

weighs over 10.5 pounds and must be 21 inches or so. I'll give you the official stats after his appointment on Friday.

likes music and singing. G helps me sing Row, Row, Row Your Boat to him, and I like to sing You are my Sunshine to him.

If his tummy isn't bugging him, and he's happy; he likes to look at his stuffed animals and picture book. Generally, though, if he's awake, he's sadly grumpy. We really treasure the times when he is awake and pleasant (unless it's the middle of the night, then we are grumpy!).

Though his sister rolled over at a month old, JT shows no real signs of being quite the go-getter that G was/is...though I believe his 'fighter' status is earned through the fact that he is quite miraculous with his breathing and weight gain that babies with his proposed condition struggle with. 

And to thank me for being an awesome mom, he and G took naps at the same time today so that I could write you this short little developmental blog.

Here was a picture of me and him (yes that is grammatically correct) at 2 weeks old when we went to jcp;

The weaning of a 16 month old + tips

To catch up on our weaning process, be sure to check out my previous posts: 

Beginning to Wean & Weaning Update

As of two Fridays ago (June 29, 2012), G has been fully weaned.

The definition of weaned is for a mammal to receive all nutrients/calories from non-mother's-milk sources. It doesn't matter how, why, or when it happens...that's what weaning means. Some babies are weaned from the very start, which is kind of sad to me, but I do know that for a lot of moms, breastfeeding is not their thing. I certainly am not in a position to judge their lives or choices--but let it be said--I certainly think breastmilk is the best source of food for babies.

G has always loved nursing, especially because I did allow her to do it for 'comfort' at a young age. It was not always easy, and there were definitely trials we had to get through, but all-in-all, it was a nice bond for us to share (in addition to healthy for us both). I'm not a mom likely to nurse past 24 months old, but I do believe in nursing past 12 months old.

When #2 was conceived, I did consider tandem nursing--for about 10 minutes. I then decided there was no way I could wanted to physically do that to myself or the new baby. In my honest, non scientific, opinion, I thought the only one who would benefit from tandem nursing was G (I know many of you would argue the other way, that's fine, I noted this is simply my opinion). No offense to my precious little girl, she's already gotten the best start in life possible, her new sibling deserves 100% of the same opportunities. I feel it's only fair to my worn-out self and new baby to devote all of my available nursing time to #2.

Weaning During Pregnancy (15 months old)

When I first mentioned wanting to wean G, you all didn't know I was pregnant. Now you do, and it may make more sense for why I am taking on a mom-led weaning stance versus the baby-led weaning I really do prefer. I know that tandem nursing is fine, and I thought I would be okay with it....but I'm not. Call me selfish (I don't think I am), but I just don't want to breastfeed through this entire pregnancy. Being pregnant is work in and of itself--then throw on nursing a toddler--I don't know where the energy would come from.
I do enjoy nursing G; although, a year ago I never thought I'd say that. I'm not sure when we will cut out the final feeding because I am kind of clinging to it as our bonding time--and I know it's the healthiest thing she eats. I also believe, though, that the new baby deserves 100% of my nutrition and internal energy. I don't think it's fair to the new baby to have G leaching, so to speak. Yes, I know that my body could and would compensate for the additional milk / internal energy needed; I just can't help but feel that I am cheating both myself and the new baby if I split myself between growing a baby and nursing a toddler. It's just a personal feeling that I am listening to.
I'm scared to put G out there on her own, immune system wise. I'm starting her on a multivitamin because she doesn't eat as much of a variety as I would like her to. I offer lots of foods, but she got the picky-eater thing from her dad. I bought kid gummy vitamins today and she ate them at lunch time! Sure, I paid a few extra cents for the Winnie the Pooh brand--but that's her favorite, so I figured it was my best shot at getting her to take them.

Fifteen Months old

Many times moms will reflect on how old their kid is and say.... 'where did the time go?'
Not me, not this month. It seems like G should be a lot older than 15 months--it seems she's been around a lot longer than a year + 3 months.

She's a regular part of the family, and only if I try very hard can I imagine life before her. Because I stay home with her every day, she feels like an extension of myself. I don't often worry about her, because it seems like I've developed a sixth sense. I can almost always tell what's wrong with her, even though she's not great at talking. I can hear the difference in her words, even though they probably all sound like 'da-da' to anyone else. I guess it's just a mom thing.

Anyways, she's growing right along and the official measurements from her well-child check-up are:
Height: 30.5"
Weight: 21.5 lbs

Tooth Count: 4 top, 2 bottom, 1/2 of a top molar (the outer half is clear of her gums, but the inner half is still covered), & G has been cutting a bottom tooth for a few days now. I'm not sure if it's sharp (and clear of the gums) yet, because I don't want to get bit! She also has bulging gums at the site of the other 3 molars.

She still wears a size 4W shoe (regular fours DO NOT fit her) and size 18 month clothes. The doctor, whom I do not like (I miss our KS doctor so much), said her numbers are very average, despite many peoples' comments that she is very small.

Here are some facts about 15 month old G---

Seven Quick Takes 22

1. 

My husband is off work tomorrow. I might be OVERLY excited. It makes Mother's Day weekend even more special when we have TWO days in a row together. We have plans to hit up the lovely Farmer's Market that G and I have been going to the past few weeks. We will eat lovely grilled food, I'm sure; and relax in the glorious California Sun. Being so far from family sucks, but it sure is a lot easier to handle when my husband is home with us.

2.

My husband basically told me what my Mother's Day present is going to be...and I have to say it's pretty BIG! I can't believe I'm getting it, but I think it's really sweet he's using money we should/could be saving on a super awesome present for me. No offense to him but he usually goes down the cheap/frugal path for my presents. I don't mind, because I know it's the thought that counts--but this particular thought is very sweet :-) Yeah, we are on a budget, and I complain about money more than I should...but the truth is he's making a bit more than when we were in Kansas. We aren't able to go on a fancy vacation, or buy a house...but he is buying me a new camera for Mother's Day!!!
I.AM.SO.EXCITED. Taking pictures is one of my favorite things to do, because I love preserving memories. I never want to forget anything and I truly believe a picture is worth a thousand words...especially with a kiddo. My current camera was my birthday present a few weeks after we got married (so it is 3.5 years old and is a simple Kodak point and shoot).

Re-Re-Re Sleep Training

I'm currently right where I aimed NOT to be almost a year ago; sleep crazy as a toddler.
When G was three months old I started gentle sleep training and it worked pretty well. Then she got out of it and I re-sleep trained her. It took a while but eventually she got pretty good at putting herself to sleep. We kept going on this sleep crazy roller coaster until I finally just got fed up with what she was "supposed" to do. I decided to just roll with whatever happened--and that included letting her nurse to sleep if she so chose. Sure, there were occasions when she would not nurse to sleep, but over half the time she would, and that spelt trouble. I knew in the back of my mind that would bite me big time some day--and it now has.

A Real Day in the Life 4/11/12

Last Wednesday I decided to record a 'day in the life' and post it on the blog for a little insight into what being a SAHM looks like for me. Little did I know that was the day G was coming down with a nasty virus! I think it's pretty ironic that the day I try to show what a normal life we lead, she ends up getting really irritable and comes down with a fever before bed. I wanted to share anyways, because with a 14 month old, life is never really 'normal,' is it...

Dreaded Coxsackie Virus

For being a breastfed kid, my daughter sure seems to get sick a lot. I know that is supposedly good for her immune system later in life, but it sucks for all of us right now. Big Time--capital B, capital T.

G had a runny nose last Sunday, developed a mild fever Wednesday evening, and a rash started kind of appearing Thursday night but really got going on Friday, and she slept absolutely horribly Thursday night into Friday (up every hour almost, including a 3 hour screaming fit from midnight to 3 am). Something was clearly wrong. The difference in her skin between Friday morning and Friday afternoon was really scary. I, of course, googled some things and determined she must have something like Hand, Foot, Mouth Disease. She hadn't seemed to have anything in her mouth, but everything else fit.

Thankfully her doctor's office was able to get her in Friday afternoon (20 minutes after I called). The doctor confirmed my suspicions, in a way, by saying that this was 99% certainly a Coxsackie Virus (causes HFMD). He wouldn't say 100% without a blood test, which wasn't really necessary because either way we just had to manage her symptoms.

Beginning Weaning

I know a lot of breastfeeding moms want to make it to a year, as the APA recommends, but my BF'ing goal is to simply nurse my kids until they begin to wean themselves (if they don't show any signs of starting before 18 months, though, I'd start nudging them in that direction). I think that's the best thing for me too. If I let her lead the weaning, I shouldn't be too uncomfortable (avoiding engorgement, much leaking, and mastitis).
Apparently G started weaning herself in the past few weeks. I don't know exactly when it started because of the chaotic move, but I know it was a little after her first birthday. I had been nursing her 5 - 6 times a day for about five months, without any reservations, but we are down to 3 nursing sessions now. This is obviously due to the fact that she is eating more--both quantity and type--solid foods and drinking from her straw cup like an expert (water or watered down juice; no cows milk for us, more on this later). She nurses before bed, when she wakes up in the morning, and before nap time.

My first daughter's birth story PART I

52 weeks ago, on Monday 2/21 last year, my first and only experience with labor began.
I've not shared G's birth story but now is the perfect time to do so, seeing as how her birthday is Wednesday. I wrote a long birth story after she was born, but I've rewritten and tried to condense it for my blog. It's still not very short because I am a detail person, and have a pretty vivid memory of the whole thing. I just don't feel right about leaving much out!

This is part one, everything before the LDR floor. Hope you enjoy it.

Sleep Breakthrough! the 2-1 nap transition & our current schedule

You may recall the blog I posted last Wednesday about my "failed" nap experiment. I went into it with the impression that I couldn't screw things up any worse than the already were--and it was just one day--so why not try something completely different regarding baby G's lack of sleep.

I couldn't have been more right. Apparently the ridiculous amount of crying G and I endured last Wednesday flipped some kind of switch in her brain. I hated it, she hated it, the whole apartment complex hated it. But then the most magnificent thing happened.

Breastfeeding Basics {including NFP while breastfeeding}

Today is another great guest post! Erin of Via, Veritas, Vita shares some awesome breastfeeding advice, stories, and information about using NFP while breastfeeding. I couldn't have written a better post myself! I hope you all enjoy reading & I'm sure some pregnant and new moms will benefit from her tips!

I need Super Nanny.

Isn't there a show that is, or used to be, on TV called Super Nanny? I think the premise of the show is that a British woman, claiming to be a parenting 'expert,' comes to a family in need of some reforming.

We are that family. Nothing we do works.

I mean, sure, baby G is only 10.5 months old, but things are absolutely ridiculous around here. I really don't know what to do anymore. I even told my mom, "I am over it. I'm done being a mom." and I only kinda didn't mean it.

Earlier in her life my husband and I patted ourselves on the back for having 'such a good baby.' People loved seeing her and she was a really social baby. She played well. She was up for any adventure we went on.

At one point in her life, G slept through the night. Those were the good days. We were better parents, she was a happier baby; we were all able to actually enjoy our lives.