Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Anxiety for our Son

I know I am far behind, and haven't posted about our new house and the official move-in process....but I've been busy settling into that house and also trying to get involved in our new area.

I have a lot of anxiety right now, though, and have chosen to write about it, in hopes that it relieves some of my fears.

I know that I believe in God, and I know that he has a plan for my life...and the life of our new baby. I constantly struggle with letting go of control and accepting whatever will be, will be.

I just can't shake a feeling that something is off with our baby. I truly hope I am just making this feeling up, and that it is for nothing.

I just keep seeing children with disabilities--and it scares me that it is God's way of letting me know to expect something.

As I mentioned in the Down Syndrome blog, I know that my husband and I would/could be great parents to a child with special needs....but until we are in that situation, I have such a hard time wrapping my head around how we would do that. There's a quote I've seen posted on a friend's facebook page that says, "You never know how strong you can be, until you have to be..." And I have such anxiety that if I had to be strong, I wouldn't be strong enough. It's only human to have doubts, right?

Do I trust the test results we had? I say that I do...because why else would I have done the test, if I wasn't going to trust them? But what if something else goes wrong?

I know that my friends and family would tell me that I can't live my life for the next several weeks with that thought looming over my head, because I can't control everything....and I agree...but I am really struggling right now. And, truthfully, no one's life is ever for certain. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. But who wants to live their life dwelling on that? No one. I really try to live more in the present than ever, but it's so hard as a mother...to worry about your child.

I've been in denial, perhaps, for the past several weeks, busying myself with moving, traveling, settling in, and preparing a nursery.... Now that his birth is getting closer, and I am marking more and more off my to-do list, I can't help but notice things around me that point to something being amiss.

Then I wonder, would I have these same concerns if our ultrasound had been 100% 'normal?' Probably not. So then why wasn't it "normal" if everything is "normal?"

Thanks for 'listening.'

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