Accepting your kid versus parenting

Something big has been on my mind for a few weeks now and I can't fully come to a conclusion, so here I am, attempting to work through it in a public forum. Humor me.

One of G's biggest personality traits (for now? forever?) is her introversion and extreme shyness. She is so very shy with strangers, more than I believe is "normal" for her age. After she warms up to you, it's fine, but that can take quite a while.
She also doesn't like to do anything that she's not good at (or that she perceives she is no good at). She learns from watching, and is definitely not the kind of kid to jump into the fire. Ever since she was a baby, I knew she wouldn't be my physically adventurous kid. And to some degree, that's awesome not really having to worry about her poking an eye out or breaking a bone doing something crazy. Her brother, on the other hand, currently has a shiner at age 14 months and was climbing before he was walking. G sizes things up from a far and says, "nope, not doing that." or "hey, I think I can be good at that.' Once her mind is made up, it's all but impossible to change it. This is a good and bad thing.

These traits are all fine by me, because I do want her to be her own person....even if that's not how I am. Although. I wasn't always like that...I definitely had to develop into the woman I am today, and I think part of that had to do with my parents. I'm not saying that I was as painfully shy as she is, but my mom has said I wasn't very talkative with strangers. (which I look back and think I was, but she claims that was more my sister...which is weird to me) I also certainly wasn't athletic as a kid (I kept running off the soccer field--crying I think). I 100% consider myself an athlete now, though I'm no pro or anything. Athleticism and competition (primarily with myself) is a defining characteristic to me. Again, I don't think that was my natural instinct as a kid. So I believe it took my parents pushing me to keep trying, to become who I am today.

So here I sit. Trying to figure out the right balance of pushing / forcing G to do things she whines / cries / tantrums about, and letting her be herself ("I want to go home" "I want to stay home" "nooooooooo")

I know that there isn't one right answer, just like there isn't one right answer to sleep training your kid (see a million posts circa 2011). And I also know this is just one more drop in the bucket as far as parenting conundrums I will find myself facing.

Parenting properly is super challenging. It's even more challenging when you are trying to do it yourself without tossing her in day care or something to make some one else do it part of the time. There.is.no.break. I know I'm "doing" that to myself, by not putting her in preschool...and maybe I still will decide on a part time program, but for now, I'm still trying to be the parent I want to be.... which is the parent who makes the time to screw up her kid rather than let someone else try their hand at botching the life God entrusted to me. #cynicalmuch

So most of this is brought on by our recent experience with kindermusic.
Many people have told me how much G seems to enjoy music, and I totally agree with them. She loves singing, loves listening to music, and gets SO excited by certain songs. So I did the only thing I know how to do....researched music classes in the area. She's still pretty young for private instrument lessons, so I settled on a kindermusic program. I looked through all the options in our wealthy-over-achieving-county-with-a-million-extra-curriculars and made the appropriate arrangements.

The first week went pretty well, and was our free trial. I asked her if she wanted to keep going to music school and she jumped up and down, YES! So I paid for the next month and went on our way. The following week, as soon as I mentioned to G we were heading to music class (in the car en route), she FLIPPED S***. Seriously, you would have thought I told her I was going to leave her on the side of the road in a card board box. I finally get her calmed down enough to go inside, because in typical Kaylene fashion we were teetering on 'late' and didn't have time to spare sitting in the car debating.
Once inside, more tantrum behavior followed, and I did all the "right" things of not giving her a reaction, going into the class with J, ignoring etc... then it didn't work and she was making too much of a scene, so I tried to be direct / firm and her behavior was still piss poor so we went home and I pretty much threw her in her room and let her scream and cry it out until she realized I don't accept tantrums in public. It was a miserable afternoon and day, and yes I still showed her love and all.... but no one in my home acts like that in public...shouldn't ever act like that, but especially in public. She kept saying how she didn't like music and didn't want to go back.... well that sucks, because I already paid FIFTY BUCKS. wth. She was so on board and now she hates it? ugh.
So I dropped it completely. I didn't mention music class the whole next week. Then this morning I had my mom ask her if she was going to music class today.... G pretty much clammed up and went mopey. When it was time to leave our house, she started to get upset and I said..."hey, why don't you take Gloria (her waterbaby) to music class and show her what it's all about".... so that got us out the door and into the building. But I could never get her in the room. There was, thankfully, no tantrum or melt down....but it was obvious she wasn't going in the room unless I forceably picked her up and put her in the room. I didn't do that. Instead I let her know I was disappointed we came all that way and she wouldn't even try. Then she looked at me on the verge of tears and said her belly hurt. Now maybe that was a cop out (I wouldn't put it past her), but maybe she also had kid-anxiety. Maybe she is that dreadfully afraid of people she doesn't "know" (even though she has seen them 3 Wednesdays in a row now), that it gives her a stomach ache. I don't know...I know if she had a friend in the class, it'd be much easier.
When I drop her off for Moppets (The kid care at MOPS), her buddy is in there and she's totally fine with me leaving...if I drop her off and he's not there, she is a lot less willing to go inside.
Maybe I can have the teacher get me in contact with a mom of another kid in kindermusic and set up a play date so they can become friends and that'd help her....
But that still doesn't solve my dilemma about how hard to push her and how much to let her alone.
Ultimately I think I have to figure it our for myself, since I'm her mom and I know her better than anyone, but I also don't want my preconceived notions of how I want my kid to be to affect her... except I think that's been happening since the dawn of time, and God gives parents the job of raising their kids to the best of their ability, which would naturally include the parents own experiences and presumptions about how a person should be.
I will never forget a play date we had right when we moved back to Kansas, with one of my best friends who I never see. She commented on how funny it was that her daughter was super athletic and loved running/kicking/throwing but couldn't sit down to listen to one book...and my daughter loved to sit and listen to books forever. My friend was saying it's funny, because she "wanted' her daughter to be more like mine, because that's how my friend is.... whereas I "wanted" my daughter to be more like hers, because that's how I am. Now, I certainly love my daughter and don't want anyone else to have her!! I'm just sharing the anecdotal story because I think it reflects something all parents want...a kid who is more like them than not, because it makes it easier to get along and manage.

G is a lot like me in so many ways, but it's VERY obvious in the ways she is not...but she is a KID and kids don't have fully developed frontal lobes or the experience of adults. She doesn't know how to go into certain situations and flourish. She doesn't know her talents, and certainly doesn't know how to utilize them. It's my job as her mom to give her the tools necessary to find those two things out.

I'm just at a crossroads (Yet again) of figuring out my own parenting style. (I know I keep saying "my" instead of "our," despite how involved of a father my husband is...I'm just writing this on my personal blog, from my personal perspective, and generally speaking, my husband would defer to whatever I figure out, God Bless him)

On mothering two, versus one...or, Lessons I've Learned

I've found myself sounding like a broken record, of late. I'm pretty sure if we are friends IRL (you know, in-real-life), you've heard either A. about my birth opinions/J's story (which we don't need to rehash on the blog) &/or B. how I feel about the differences between having 1 & 2 kids. 

So here we go.... Kaylene's great insight into motherhood...which is what this blog is about anyways...and it's so funny to look back on old posts--if you're new here, hopefully you read this one before all the old ones...because I'm a lot less neurotic now. Well, sometimes.

You can not teach a woman how to be a mom. Trust me, I have BTTT (been there tried that, for those less acronymly inclined). While pregnant with G, I wanted to know how to be a mom, so I talked to moms around me, I read articles about being a mom, I read books (I read two books. really!), and I read TONS-literally hundreds-of mom message boards/forums about a plethora of topics. It.did.not.matter.
Maybe you've heard, "there's nothing you can do to really prepare you for that first night with your baby." I would argue that's not really true. You can do a lot to prepare...but that's totally different from actually getting your hands dirty. You can't teach that. True motherhood is something you have to experience on your own--to really figure out how to be a mother--because it looks different for all of us. Maybe someone told me that, it certainly didn't register though. I really wanted someone to tell me how to be good at mothering. I thought if only someone would tell me what to do, I would do it, and do it well, and then I'd be on my merry way to find the next task at which to excel.
You see, that's how I am. I get a goal, or a responsibility, and I work super hard to knock their socks off. Who is this someone, this their, this they, this them?? "They" are made up in my head, perhaps your head too.

Being a mother is not a goal, or a responsibility. It's a life path that is simply about the journey. There is never an end...well, there is, but it's pretty finite and let's not think about that, mkay?
There is no 'next task,' so don't look at it as something to be good at and move on, look at it as a daily way of life...caring for your babies. What ever that looks like for you, rock it, but know that there's no one who will come give you a gold star or A+. Do what you do, and do it so that YOU can sleep at night. That is, if your babies will let you. It was never about having the best kid, I just wanted to do the 'right' things for her...but thankfully I've learned that to be the best mom, I have to stop trying to reach the finish line. If I would have started this motherhood thing like I did my marriage, I would have been a lot better off. I look at my marriage like a path to stroll down together, and that's what being a mother is like too. My kids and I, taking this awesome walk. Together.

Being a mom of one, I was a total ball of nerves. I don't know why. And I was totally oblivious to it. People around me knew it, because they even TOLD me I was....but I deflected, because I honestly didn't think I was. I really was just trying to find my way. And that's how we ALL are. There are the natural-mothering-types, to whom being a mother comes naturally, and I actually think I am one of those women, but I had to relax for that to really show. I have a super type-A personality, but children--especially close in age--force you to let go on somethings...or at least they do if you want to have a happy life. So having #2 only 22 months after #1 was exactly what God had planned for my life. My natural mothering instincts were getting overridden by my forceful personality, and having baby J was a much-needed reset.

With G I wanted to control everything...I mean, I did and I didn't. I knew that  I had to let her "be", but...you guys have read my blog (or most of you have anyways) or remember me with her, and I was pretty anal about things, especially her sleep. With J, I wouldn't say I'm completely non-anal, I just know how to manage his sleep schedule without letting it consume my life. And I know that I don't give birth to children who like to sleep...so I gave up trying to force it. I actually gave up trying to force a lot of things. I don't get nearly as flustered as I used to. This too shall pass. Keep that on repeat in your head (that is, if you are looking for advice).

When you only have one baby, there's a LOT of time to think about how you are screwing them up, how you can do it better, and how other people are doing it better (or worse). When you have two (or more), there's substantially less time to do that...so you are lucky because your life is fuller and more complete with real-life activities. This is not to say those with only one child have an incomplete life, I'm simply saying there's more time to obsess.

As you recall, this blog used to be a lot more active. I had my reviews to give me something to do and feel productive (or over-stretched!), I wrote about my opinions on mothering (many of which I still believe in, but don't obsess over), and I shared miniscule details of my adorable baby girl's life (that are fun to go back and read, but also aren't all that noteworthy). But then baby J happened. and I got busy living life. THE LIFE. The one I thought having kids would be all about. Ladies and Gents, we have arrived. Come visit our house and you will find a real family lives here. Not one trying to maintain some TV show pedestal, or some parenting book model.

When I only had one baby, I thought...man this is so hard...how could I do it with more? How do bigger families manage? I may only have two now, but I totally know....they let the little things slide. They roll with the tides.

I have learned that it is okay if J chews on a toy that isn't specifically a "chew toy" (I mean, as long as it's not digestible-like paper-, or covered in dirt or something, it's fine, right?). I've learned it's okay that he's army crawling on the kitchen floor, even if it's been more than a day since I last mopped it (oh the travesty!). I've learned that even though he's "supposed" to take two naps today, it's okay if I pushed him off a little bit so that he takes one (fingers crossed) longer, better-suited-to-my-schedule, nap while G naps too. It's okay if I reuse a bib from breakfast at lunch (so long as it's not gross, I mean, I do still have my above-average clean standards). I've learned that he can slobber on his clothes a little bit and not have to change it right away (type A is something I'll never be able to get away from). I've learned that he can cry, or whine, or fuss, way more than I ever let G...and I thought I let her do that a lot...haha--nope.

My favorite thing I've learned? I can take two crazy kids to the store, with hardly anything, and be totally fine. I do not need to pack for deathcon5. I can take them to the park, J in the Beco and still be able to lift G up into the swing. I can take them grocery shopping, while one attempts to jump to his death from the cart-seat, and the other zoom-zooms her way around with the kid-cart, oblivious to the can of beans she just knocked over (actually, I added that for dramatic effect, G has the keenest attention to detail ever). I am, in fact, super woman, and haven't you heard--I'm freaking awesome at this mothering thing. If you don't think so, there's the door...because you know what? I think you're freaking awesome at this mothering thing too.

Recently, rather, constantly, we hear about this "mommy war" shiz...or parental-judgement...or whatevs.
I think it's a crock, and apparently a lot of you do too, because a big parent magazine did a nationwide survey and found that while parents believe the mommy-war exists, they don't feel it in their day-to-day life. And I couldn't agree more. I really think that social media, the internet, and news articles perpetuate this balloon of judgement. There is, as I've always maintained, a parent-information-overload. I don't interact with women who judge me, and I don't judge them. Sure we do things differently, and maybe I don't agree with everything they do...but I don't sit there and tell them they shouldn't do it that way.... I don't have their kid, or their life, and how could I possibly presume to know what they should do? I think tons of moms feel this way, and that's why this whole mommy-judgement thing is a crock. Sure there are a lot of people out there judging other people, there always have been and there always will, but as with anything--get away from them. And take it from me.....life is not all about the type of mother you are...life is about the little people that made you mothers to begin with. Take a deep breath, remember this could all be gone in an instant, and live a little.

As I say to my husband...."We've gotta live OUR life, ya know?"

We have tons of fun. Learning happens through play, real-world activities like errand running or play dates, and being a stay at home mom really allows me to foster an environment of success for our kids. We are truly blessed and judgement has no place in our life. I'm so much more relaxed as a parent and person. I credit my husband for being the ying to my yang, and I credit my kids for reminding me just how awesome the tickle monster is. We love hanging out with other families or couples, because we hope to be a good example of balance as a Catholic Family.

"Good Job Booooooy" "It's fine" and other fun things

Recently I commented to a friend that I have generally good days, with bad moments mixed in. I really can't stress that enough to new parents of two. Focus on the little fun and happy things, move past the annoying, trying, and tough things. Keep telling yourself that this too shall pass. Honestly, before we all know it, we will be our parents' ages and potentially have own grand kids. I hope you all realize how truly blessed and happy I feel to have my two awesome kids AND get to stay home with them. I marvel at G a lot, and get frustrated with her a little. I snuggle, kiss, and praise J tons, and get annoyed with his lack of sleep only sometimes. Life is what you make it, and more often than not, I really try to make it stress-free, happy, and memorable.

So onto a few fun, adorable things I hope I never forget;

G has started saying "it's fine" or "they're fine" or "I'm fine." I'll tell her we need to wash her hands and she'll say, "they're fine!" HA or I'll ask how J is doing on his play mat while I clean up after breakfast and she'll say "he fine" cracks me up.

She's interested in the house maintenance we have going on. She kept asking what the "guys" (her word for the painters) were doing to the house, so I told her that they were making it pretty. So now she goes around saying, "guys....outside....house....pretty!" wish I could get it on video (I originally typed tape...hilarious) for you all.

Because she's had some MAJOR potty successes lately (thank you JESUS! literally, I have prayed about this tons), we've had lots of "GOOD JOBS!!" around here and some major dance parties (#2 in the potty!!)--so G has had lots of excitement bubble over to other parts of our day to day life. Recently J rolled over, as he has done about 500 times a day since it becoming a regular thing last week, and G said, "Good job boooooyyy!!!" and patted him on the back and then clapped very loudly. Too bad you can't read the excitement with which she said it, but suffice it to say, we had an awesome day yesterday and her squeals just make life so beautiful.

Church with G has been going really well lately. I think she's finally got it; she truly seems to understand that Jesus and God love her. She knows we pray at church (and before meals/bed/etc), so we have to be quiet and listen. She absolutely adores the music, so we always sit near the choir area, about 3 rows from the front. It's the way to go. J has be awesome too. He just loves to people watch. He doesn't nap in church. Or anywhere, just about, but he's just silly like that.
Mass as a family is so nice these days, and it's how it is supposed to be. I recently read a blog post somewhere about how parents who 'split' up going to mass at different times have it all wrong. I couldn't agree more. We have never done that and I don't ever plan to. Mass is for the family, splitting it up, using the nursery or cry room definitely sends the wrong message. Sure, it's stressful sometimes, and we've had our fair share of poor behavior...but muster through. It's worth it, even if at the time you think you're getting nothing out of it, you're showing your kids that church is non-negotiable and that in your family, we praise God together.

G loves strawberry jam, but who doesn't. So for lunch I put some jam and peanut butter on her plate with a multigrain tortilla. I told her she could use the pb&j as a dip for the tortilla. I look over and she's got the whole spoonful of peanut butter and is stuffing it into her mouth by itself. Don't worry, and she washed it down with some milk. I was cracking up on the inside.

One of my favorite things as a stay at home mom is getting to give her choices throughout the day and see which she chooses. I think its super fun to watch her personality blossom. Her "favorites" change regularly, as kids are apt to do. "G, do you want eggs, oatmeal, or cereal for breakfast" This morning it was eggs, yesterday it was oatmeal, the day before it was cereal. She's got the rotation figured out I guess. Yesterday her favorite color was orange, but the day before it was purple. One thing that seems constant, though, is that when you ask what her favorite thing to do is, she'll usually say drawing.

I've been working with her for a while on a pencil grip. She's gotten pretty awesome at it, and yesterday I was watching her write/draw and she kept readjusting the pencil to get the grip right. SO PROUD!

For a 26 month old, her writing is fantastic! Everything pretty much looks like Ms or rough attempts at Ds or Gs--so mostly just scribbles--but she is totally getting there. She's really proud of herself too, because you can sure bet that I shower her with hugs and kisses when she attempts to do anything well.

As I mentioned above, J is a rolling fool. So happy about his milestone, but it's certainly affected his sleeping habits. Just a few nights ago he had to figure out how to sleep on his belly because he kept rolling--perhaps unintentionally? I feel bad for the kid, but I can't go in there every 5 seconds to roll him onto his back again. Just like his sister, he's got to learn to sleep on his belly if he's going to keep rolling. It was hard with G, but she eventually got it, and slept better than on her back. Hope that's what happens with J too. He took a two hour nap yesterday, on his belly, sooooo hooray!

He loves going to gymnastics almost as much as G does. G's class is on Saturday's because I didn't want to worry about what to do with J. But on Wednesday they have open gym, so we've been going to that too. I put J in the Gemini and walk around helping G practice her skills follow G around. This baby is a major, major people watcher. Can't get enough of the activity. Maybe it's because for the first 3 months of his life, we pretty much stayed in our house.

I'm doing better and better myself. Each day brings its own set of challenges, but when I look at how hard it was recovering from the traumatic surgery/birth, I'm so proud of where I am today. Sure, I'm not nearly where I planned to be weight / physical shape wise, but I had no clue J's birth would go down like that. I just want to be able to move right, take care of my kids without hurting, and feel generally positive about myself. I've got the first two down, but the last one is tough. I hate how I look in clothes that aren't the standard mom-uniform (you know, yoga pants and t-shirts), but then the other day I had a realization.

I have the entire rest of my life to get back into a size 8-10, but my kids will only be this age once
It was such a big break through for me. Yes, I hate having extra tummy weight hanging on, and I certainly don't like how I look in jeans anymore, let alone a swim suit, but as the kids grow, they'll require a bit less of my attention, and I can work out more regularly. I just gave birth 4 months ago. It took a while, but I've finally realized that I have to cut myself a little slack.

But I do love running, and it's beautiful outside today, so we are going for a job after nap time :-) and we went for a walk sans-stroller before nap time. I love spring!

On a final note, potty training has improved so much since I last wrote about it, but it is by no means perfect. G had an accident free day yesterday and initiated using the potty all by herself. Very proud of that, but had an accident right away this morning. Win some, lose some. She's gotten much more relaxed, and I'm not pulling my hair out any more. J's sleep training is also two steps forward, one step back...but like I said in the beginning.... this to shall pass.


Right?

Sleep Perfection

I'm beginning to feel like my blog is actually more focused on sleep than cloth diapers...but it's not like I pigeon holed myself into one subject anyways. I titled my blog Letters from Momma because I planned to write about a pretty broad range of mothering topics. I'm the kind of person that can't pick one thing to specialize in.

Recently, I posted about having to teach G to fall asleep on her own--after traveling, illness, and kicking the thumb sucking habit. It took four days of hard crying and me having to go in at 10/15/20 minute intervals (nap time could take three interventions but bed time was just one or two). Since the Thursday before last (around 11 days ago), she hasn't needed me to come calm her down. Sometimes she even falls asleep after 'chatting' to herself for a while--with no crying at all. There are naps or bed times when she is too overtired and cries a little when I put her down. I hate that, because I know it's not her fault. My husband works until 6 every day, I feel like a 7:30 pm bed time is just not fair to either of them, so it takes serious commitment to get her to bed before 8 pm. However, she has been waking up around 6:30 am. I can't get her to go back to sleep if she wakes up past 6 am. Although on the off chance she wakes up at 5:50 am, I can get her to go back to sleep. If she's going to be this early of a riser, we've really got to work on a good bed time to make sure she's getting enough sleep at night so she's not crabby all day.

A perfectionist as a parent.

I have a bit of perfectionism complex. If you know me in person, perhaps "a bit" is an understatement.

Although, I'd rather be a perfectionist than a slacker.....but if I was a slacker, I'm sure I'd hate perfectionists for making me look "bad." Everyone has their role to play in society, right? We perfectionists get things done with efficiency and quality detail. Oh, and we certainly fill the world's quota for anxiety.

When a perfectionist becomes a mother, her world is quite literally turned upside down. I'm learning trying to learn how to let some things go. I can't "control" baby G, and that's a really hard concept for someone like me to deal with. She can't be reasoned with, and she can't be "reversed psychology-ed." I can't even "do" her things for her, because that's impossible...or else, trust me, I would.
I can't sleep for her. I can't eat for her. I can't learn for her. She must do those things on her own. But, as a super-perfectionist, I really want to. She just isn't very good at them sometimes. She doesn't sleep "enough," she doesn't eat "enough," and she doesn't seem to learn things "normally."

Of course, she is a baby. I'm an educated woman--in education, no less--I know that she needs my support, understanding, and love. I give her those things, I promise! Then, I come on here and throw a pity party. Because, after all, what's a perfectionist to do??

I think the problem for me, as a mother, stems from what I like to call "Parent Information Overload."