Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Momma's day

Dear G
momma's day 5/8/11
Momma's day was on Sunday, and it meant a lot to me this year. Some people think it's just a made up holiday to make greeting card companies money, and maybe it is. Your dad spent almost as much on my cards (don't worry, he had yours covered this year, but next year I expect a handmade one) as he did on my present. But I don't think it's 'just another day.' I never have.
When I was younger, I went in to a jewelry store to find your Grammy's momma's day gift. I had been saving up a lot of money. I looked around but everything I wanted to buy her cost more than I had. The saleslady asked if she could help, so I told her my story. I was there shopping for my mom. 
"oh, is it her birthday?" 
"no, it's for mothers day." 
"but mothers day isn't for another 2 months!" 
I am a planner, something I hope you will pick up. For big events, I plan months in advance. I like to know what's coming, where we're going, who will be there, how much it'll cost, what I'm giving, etc... It saves me the anxiety and stress as the event draws near. It bugs me when I have to rely on other people to finish their plans in order to finish mine. Take a hint from your mom, planning=less stress.
So, the saleslady helped me find a great momma's day gift for your Grammy. I can't say it was the perfect gift, because I wanted to buy her jewelry, but it was the best I could do on my budget. I think Grammy could appreciate that because, after all, she is quite frugal. So the gift cost a little over $70. I didn't have that. Yet. She let me do a payment plan. I paid half then and I would continue to make payments until I had paid the whole amount. It took me the 2 months prior to momma's day to pay it off. I got rides to the store from other people or snuck in while your Grammy was in wal-Mart. When I had finished paying for her gift, they wrapped it up and I took it home. I was so unbelievably pleased with myself. When momma's day came, I presented your Grammy with her gift and waited excitedly as she opened it. It was a fancy jewelry box (more of an oval) that matched her maroon room.  It was classic and pretty. She loved it! Not for what it was, but because it was from me. I didn't need to spend money on her, she would love any thing I gave her. But I wanted to spend money on her because it made me feel good to give up buying something for myself to get her something nice. 
momma, Grammy & you!
My momma means so much to me. I hope to mean that much to you. She deserves anything money can buy, and everything it can't. I know this to be more true now than ever because I am a momma myself. Your momma to be exact.
Your Grammy is a very special woman. She's my best friend (besides your poppa, but that's another story). She and I have been through a lot. It actually makes me pretty nervous to watch you grow up.
you, brand new
Your birth day was one of the most exciting days of my life, but also one filled with fear. Your poppa said "it's a girl!" and for the most part dreams of baking together, chatting about boys, going for walks, snuggling up on the couch with popcorn and a good chick flick, and shopping for your wedding dress filled my mind...but in a very small corner I dreaded all the negative things I'd have to endure with you. Mothering a girl is so hard; I know from experiencing it as a daughter.
I don't know how your Grammy put up with me. I don't know how she dealt with all the strife I caused her. And I certainly have no idea how she handled all the pain I've gone through and laid upon her. Most recently? I've cried to her about making the right choices and doing my best with you. I don't want to do anything wrong, you're so amazing and I just want your life to be perfect. But that's not possible, so I'll just do my best. Thankfully, your Grammy has been through it all and tells me it's okay to mess up. I am so lucky to have you both in my life. I'm in the best position, still a daughter but also a momma. I can remember being in your position well enough to know what worked and what didn't. And when I need an experienced shoulder to lean on, when your poppa just isn't getting it, I've got my own momma.
Grammy has argued with me when I was an inquisitive and defiant child, I guess this could be considered a negative thing by many, but it taught me to think for myself and stand up for what I thought. I am not a push over, and I have her to thank for that. She has shared me with a large extended family, when she probably just wanted me all to herself. My personality is full of all those who had a hand in raising me. She taught me to listen, even when I tried not to. She forced me into physical activity, thank the Lord. She encouraged me to get involved, do something, meet people, follow my dreams. She let me make mistakes, and was always-ALWAYS- there to pick up the pieces. She never once said, 'sorry kid, you made your bed, lie I it.' She may have wanted to, but that's not what momma's do. She nursed me back to health, she held me when I wanted to run, she punished me when I needed it (and sometimes when I didn't!), she dealt with my poor boy choices, she rejoiced with my good ones, she let me approach 'the line' and cross it occasionally. One thing that neither your Grammy or I will ever forget is when she lay on my bed with me and we both sobbed as I lost my senior year of soccer due to a very unfair situation involving poor guidance counseling. She knew how much soccer meant to me, she liked watching me play, and her heart ached as my dream of collegiate soccer fell through the cracks. Life isn't fair, G, but momma's are here to make their babies feel better. Grammy was my biggest cheerleader. She nurtured me into a wonderful young woman, and even when I turned my back on all she had taught me, she still loved me. Her love kept me knowing what the right thing to do was. So when I had gone too far, it was her mothering that had taught me what to do to get back on track. She didn't even have to do anything then, she had already laid the foundation.
It's hard to choose one, but the best thing Grammy ever did for me-and for you-was letting me go. By that I mean marrying your poppa. I was young. Younger than she would have liked, but she knew it would turn out right. She had faith in me and in God. She likes your poppa a lot. She knows he's perfect for me, and she is SO glad he's a good poppa for you. Your Grammy and I are very close, but she knows that I am part of my own little family now. She's let part of me go, but we both know I'll always be her baby. Now that I am a mother, I've gained a whole new perspective of her. I appreciate her even more and know someday a similar transition will occur for you and I. I'm so excited to watch you grow up, but I have no idea how I will handle letting you go. Being a momma is hard. You are a piece of me, that isn't inside me, and I can't read your mind. Right now is tough because you aren't feeling well. It pains me and stresses me out to see you hurting. I hope you feel better soon.

1 day old

This momma's day is so special to me because it was a day that allowed me to reflect on my mom, but also on being your mom! You were born 11 weeks ago today. What an intense morning that was. Laboring and birthing you were definitely the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'm very proud of your poppa and I for starting your life off on the best foot; unmedicated. We hope to continue making healthy choices for you and teaching you to make them yourself. You are a very precious gift from God, and I don't want to mess it up! Cut me some slack, though, because I'm just a daughter myself.
momma, great-grandpa, Grammy, you...great-grandma passed away when I was your age

 ps. the day I offically became a mother was July 1, 2010; when three little tests showed up positive.

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