Thursday, December 01, 2011

The hardest thing about being a mom - candidly speaking

Do you believe in 'fake it 'til you make it?' I always have. I like to think I am good at many things--and I've been told I am, but there are things that I definitely could stand to improve on. If I'm not great at something that I need to be... I sure do act like I am until I get there.

And I've been faking it 'til I make it with this whole motherhood thing for the past...oh, I don't know.... 40 weeks.

It ain't easy. It's sure not pretty or glamourous (unless you're Kourtney Kardashian?). And it's definitely not for the faint of heart.
I guess I am faint of heart, because there are times that I seriously look at myself in the mirror and think how I am not cut out for this. Sure, I love baby G...and I'm very glad to be her momma...but I am far from perfect in the motherhood department. There's a lot of room for improvement in the way I approach things. I feed her, clothe her, play with her, sing to her, love her, etc etc... but I guess the faking part comes in my brain. I often feel like I am one wrong step from triggering the red laser alarm in the mommyhood vault.

The hardest thing about being a mom, for me, is that I have a slight issue with control. Er... I am a control freak. I like things how I like them, when I like them. My husband says that I have "gotten better," at not being so nitpicky, so that's a plus. But I do still like to have things in their place, and I certainly like to have a plan. It was very out of character for me to not find out the sex of our baby before she was born--I'll chalk that one up to loving my husband and letting him talk me into it.

In one of my college classes we had to write a story that would go into our memoir. The title of mine? Control Freak. It was about how my first kiss was not a romantic at all, I basically told the boy he had to kiss me. Why? Because I'm a control freak.

Being a control freak, even one who is "getting better," makes it hard to be a mom. Being a mom is literally an anti-control-freak lifestyle.

I can plot and schedule, sleep train and plead until the cows come home, but at the end of the day, baby G is gonna do what she wants, when she wants. Who's the control freak now!? Just kidding...kind of.

I've been struggling with this a lot lately. The past few months, I've been 'faking it' that it didn't bother me (and probably not even faking it that well!). I was looking forward to brighter days when she would sleep in a pattern, eat on a schedule, and we could go about lives with some sort of normalcy.

False. She is 40 weeks old and there is no rhyme or reason to when she sleeps, how she eats, and we certainly can't plan our days until she wakes up. It's really hard to commit to anything because I don't know how she is going to feel on a certain day. Yes, I still make appointments and try to do things; but we are inevitably too early, really late, or I have to call and cancel reschedule.

Before I was a mom, I had neat and orderly to-do-lists and calendars. I made plans and enjoyed fulfilling them. My life was not chaotic. I was dependable, on time, and minimally stressed.

Now? I often feel like I am running on fumes. I could be that lady who goes about her life, not taking her baby into consideration, but I'm not that selfish. G is a lot happier if I alter my plans to suit her needs. Maybe that's spoiling her, but I'd rather not be the screaming-baby mom everywhere we went. There is a reason everyone comments on how smiley and happy baby G is...it's called ME, people. Thank you very much. Maybe I am a good mom after all?

As you can tell, I'm having one of those days. It's tough to find a balance between living my life and living the life of a true-blue good momma. Your thoughts are welcome in the comments section & I'd love if you chose to share this on you social networks.


  1. I am mom to a son who did all those wonderful things like sleep on a schedule, soothed himself to sleep, eat on a schedule, hardly cried, etc. Life was wonderful. Then we had a second child who totally changed things. Our daughter is three and yes she still sleeps in our bed or at least must cuddle with one of us to fall asleep and be put in her bed. She never slept in a crib (okay well not never, we did try a few times but she would wake up 6-7 tims a night). Around a year old I tried to make her cry it out and the sheets were soaked from her tears. I took one look at the crib that evening and promptly grabbed a screwdriver and dismantled it. I could not continue on that way. My daughter goes to bed sometimes between 9-11 at night, naps from about 3-5 in the afternoon and I have just stopped trying to explain it to anyone. We have tried adjusting nap time to earlier and she still stays up late, and if we deprive her of a nap she is SO cranky. She has never self soothed herself to sleep, she cried and screamed when wanted fed, so unlike my son.

    So yes, it can be tough but I have just learned to go with her cues and needs and enjoy my cuddles! Any yes, you are a great mom!

  2. I can definitely relate with you on the control freak think. I love to have plans and everything scheduled. The first person that has been slowly changing that in me is my husband and then most recently day after day my 9 month old daughter reminds me that schedules don't always have to be stuck to. I used to be incredibly uptight with her schedule and kept track of every little part of her schedule. And that literally made me on edge. It wasn't until I stopped keeping track of most of it that I was truly able to relax and enjoy raising her. I have learned to stick to a tentative schedule/order of events and let her with my guidance decide how the day plays out.

    It's all a huge learning experience and definitely full of ups and downs and lots of "fakin' it" moments. It's obviously testimony to the fact you are a good mom since to seem to have quite the happy baby. As long as that continues, I wouldn't worry about it much. Hope you are able to find peace and simply enjoy raising your sweet little girl.

    Thanks so much for sharing and being willing to be vulnerable. It's always nice to know I am not the only control freak out there! :-)

  3. I know how you feel dear. My major mothering fault is that I'm NOT a control freak!! I let J get away with too much, and we travel so much that it makes having a schedule really difficult. I feel guilty about this constantly.

    For what it's worth, I think you're an awesome mom!

  4. We could all find faults with our mothering styles and techniques. You can't compare yourself to others because every family is different. You can't compare yourself to your mother because time and circumstances are different.

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  6. I am impressed for your long patience for being a mom. Being a first time mom in my 3 month old daughter is very hard. I'm glad I saw your blog; I acquired a lot of ideas from it.
    nyc moms


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