Other blog titles I considered using for this post:
Why did I even go to college?
and the close second: Why I'm having Ice Cream for Breakfast
I know my life isn't that bad. I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, food to eat, a few channels on the TV, a car to drive, my glorious iPhone, and a beautiful amazing fun daughter. I also have a great husband.
Now onto the pity party.
Our computer keeps dying. I have to start/restart like 15 times for it to finally come to life. We both have 5-6 year old lap tops from college that must stay plugged in or else they die automatically.
I miss my friends.
Our electric bill is outrageous this month.
My car needs fixed--thankfully it's not an emergency situation.
My husband's truck needs fixed--that's getting to be important.
I'm coming off a 2 week high of being surrounded by family, but am now alone again.
I'm pretty sure the dreaded event post baby is returning soon because my hormones are all messed up.
and finally, I hate having budget meetings with my husband. It is so depressing. Why? Because the money is never enough, despite all of our cost cutting measures. I know this is my fault. I am the one who is staying at home with G. I am the one who should have a job. Why? Because I have the higher student loan bill. It's only fair that I pay them off. Why should my husband have to do that? I understand that I am raising our daughter, and that infant day care costs too much for me to work anyways because my income would only go to paying the child care provider. I wish I had an unemployed family member in the area who would watch her for free.
I absolutely love staying home with G. She is so wonderful. Occasionally things are stressful or I get tired of her super high energy level for a baby, but 99% of the time I would not trade my days with her for anything not even a million dollars. Now, if I could get a million dollars in addition to staying with her...that's another story entirely.
But the sad truth is that I do not contribute financially to our household income (hence why I'm trying to monetize my blog, but it is a slow process considering there are thousands of other mommy bloggers out there way ahead of me). And due to the fact that my husband is the sole bread winner, I feel second-rate.
I've always worked. Ever since I was 15 and a half, I have had a paycheck that the IRS knows about (ie, not just babysitting/cash jobs). I started at a sandwich shop that has $5 footlongs. I moved up to year-round life guarding at an indoor pool. I progressed to retail at a movie rental / book store / video game shop. Then in college, I worked at a collection agency (I know, I know). I was promoted to supervisor there, and money was pretty good. It just got too emotionally taxing, so I traded in my headset for an office job where I perfected my Excel skills. I loved working at that engineering firm, but had to quit when I started my student teaching. Yes, I am a teacher by trade. Working with middle schoolers is my passion. Last fall, while pregnant with our little bear I substituted in the local school district and it was wonderful.
I'd love to have my own classroom but two things are stopping me, aside from what to do with G. A: my husband's job could move us at any time, and I don't want to be living apart from him with an infant because a teaching contract is for the whole year. B: I'm not licensed in the state we currently live in. Substituting would be the best option, but that's even less financially secure because I'd have to pay a daycare to watch the baby, even if I didn't work that particular day. So it'd be better to just get some random hourly job at the grocery store or something, but then we're back to the fact that I would actually LOSE money paying someone to watch G while I made $10/hour.
So... here I sit. Moping. I clip coupons, I shop at Aldi, I price compare, I leader-loss shop. I keep the AC on 78. I don't go anywhere or do anything. I breast feed. I cloth diaper (which is actually turning out to be more expensive than I had hoped with energy costs and water bills). Our vacation was to my husband's grandparent's house. I don't buy G much at all--thank God for hand-me downs and generous family members. We don't have cable. We rent a modest, but lovely apartment. I cook 99.5% of the time. My husband takes sandwiches for lunch.
Long story short...this is what happens when you have student loan debt, get married in college, and have a baby soon after graduation.
Even though I'm in a funk today...
Would I trade it for more money, less bills, and no baby?
What do you think?